Nothing much to post here. I am settling into things. I no longer have to deal with Hoochie on a daily basis---or even a weekly basis---which makes it waaaay better in my mind.
Just about the time I start thinking, "Hey, maybe she isn't so bad. Maybe I was being a little overly concerned"...I find out something else about her that confirms my original suspicions about her integrity.
A mutual friend ran into ex and Hoochie in the grocery store last week. Hoochie asked friend how she was, and friend proceeded to tell how she and her boyfriend had just broken up and it was still difficult. Hoochie said....(and I paraphrase since I wasn't there to hear it from the horse's mouth) Well, what I think you need to do is get online and meet someone right away. That's what I always do.
Hmmm....reeeeeeallly?
That would explain your profile on a dating site a mere month (or maybe less) after giving birth to your fourth baby....and I'm starting to wonder if the baby daddy was another online conquest since he is no longer in the picture.
And because her family is so supportive of her recent marriage, I have to wonder if they've been taken in by her husband's upstanding image and morals. I'm guessing he appears to be leaps and bounds above the other people she has had in her life. By her own admission her ex was a sex addict (interesting, isn't it?) and baby Daddy was "no good"....now with this new info that she just seems to hop online when she needs a new beau, well, I have to wonder how often she's still trolling since her work is done from home...online. And it appears that her new husband is gone an awful lot working on his hobby.
Hmmmmm
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
astonished
Interesting thing happened this week.
My former mother-in-law happens to work for some people I know---or knew years ago. I used to live in the garage apartment at their home before I married Ex.
This week I went to visit and deliver a baby gift to one of the now-grown children of this family I used to live with. As my friend introduced me to her niece, she said, "This is So-and-so's daughter-in-law". I glanced at her with a weird look on my face, I'm sure.
Surprisingly, she hadn't heard about, you know, "The Situation". INTERESTING.
Why is this interesting, you ask? Well, it's because my former mother-in-law happens to be one of the biggest gossips I've met in my life. I have not known her to ever keep her mouth shut in all the years I was part of her family. Her children and their spouses know this and do not share information with her unless it is acceptable that the entire town she lives in knows. Many of her extended family knows this about her. It is a fact. So, for her to NOT share about her son and I getting a divorce----especially with the people she works with daily----is quite surprising.
One side of me wants to be impressed. It sounds impressive and honorable. I suppose it could be out of care and concern for me. But I'm fairly certain that her restrait comes from her own realization that her precious boy's choices reflect on her family negatively. And it's rather hard to be judgmental and self-righteous when the stench you smell is coming from your own trash can.
________________________________
My former mother-in-law happens to work for some people I know---or knew years ago. I used to live in the garage apartment at their home before I married Ex.
This week I went to visit and deliver a baby gift to one of the now-grown children of this family I used to live with. As my friend introduced me to her niece, she said, "This is So-and-so's daughter-in-law". I glanced at her with a weird look on my face, I'm sure.
Surprisingly, she hadn't heard about, you know, "The Situation". INTERESTING.
Why is this interesting, you ask? Well, it's because my former mother-in-law happens to be one of the biggest gossips I've met in my life. I have not known her to ever keep her mouth shut in all the years I was part of her family. Her children and their spouses know this and do not share information with her unless it is acceptable that the entire town she lives in knows. Many of her extended family knows this about her. It is a fact. So, for her to NOT share about her son and I getting a divorce----especially with the people she works with daily----is quite surprising.
One side of me wants to be impressed. It sounds impressive and honorable. I suppose it could be out of care and concern for me. But I'm fairly certain that her restrait comes from her own realization that her precious boy's choices reflect on her family negatively. And it's rather hard to be judgmental and self-righteous when the stench you smell is coming from your own trash can.
________________________________
Thursday, October 15, 2009
facets of grief
As time goes by I am finding myself more and more THRILLED with my life as a single person. Even so, the reality of grief---and the areas it emcompasses---is somewhat surprising.
__________________________
I found out Hoochie's kids are now playing with the neighbors across the street. Uh..that would be MY neighbors. Across the street from MY old house. It's difficult to not feel betrayed by these neighbors even though it sounds very snotty-jr-high-girl to say that.
_________________________
My ex's parents were "on my side" when they first found out about Hoochie. They said we'd always be family. And even though I told ex's mom that she'd get over the initial shock and eventually welcome Hoochie into the family and I'd become a distant memory, I feel a bit stabbed in the heart to know that ex and Hoochie having been taking the kids to gramma's house for weekend dinners. It feels like I've been written off and that anything good I ever brought to the table has been swept into the trash bin, forgotten. They're forging a new relationship with her---out with the old, in with the new.
________________________
I found out that today is one of ex's step daughter's birthdays. My youngest child mentioned to me that she and ex took step-daughter a special treat at school today. Hoochie didn't come. For some reason I was bothered by this. Ex was never really about doing nice, albeit unnecessary things for people. He'd be the first one to point out how wasteful niceties like balloons and flowers and a special lunch were. But apparently HER kids are worth it.
________________________
Last weekend they took their brood to the movies. Not a big deal in and of itself, except for the fact that, again, it was a rare day when he would agree to waste money on such things. 2 adults and 6 kids (well, maybe 5 since the baby was probably free) isn't cheap. And my kids reported having movie theater junk.....cha-ching.
________________________
There is still the feeling of the elephant in the room in many settings. I am not clear on proper etiquette in getting things out in the open. Do I just blurt out, "We're divorced, ok??" and stomp off? Do I just act like nothing is different? Do I have our story printed out on little notecards to hand out in awkward situations to alleviate any discomfort? I must say that my preference is for the people who say, "You know, I heard about you and ex and I'm so sorry." It's so much nicer to have it out there.
________________________
A friend shared with me her husband's frustration that, "People who think divorce is "final" are crazy...it's not final when you have kids." As much as I'm sure that he meant nothing personal by his statement, I can't help but feel a bit frustrated. I DO realize divorce is not final. I DO realize that I will be forever connected to the father of my children. I DO think about every birthday, graduation, holiday, wedding....and I know that it's not final. I did not divorce my husband because of some silly fantasy of being "done" with him forever (although I'd love it if that were true) Sadly, divorcing him was the best option, which hopefully conveys how agonizing my decision was.
________________________
So, I'm off to take a nice bubble bath and use the towels that I share with no one---and that haven't been used to wipe grease off the car's dipstick by mistake. Then I'll drink a hot cup of tea in my warm cozy, down-adorned bed with too many decorative pillows--arranged just the way I like them. And I'll smile and remember that life is good----or at least it's getting a little closer to good every "single" day.
__________________________
I found out Hoochie's kids are now playing with the neighbors across the street. Uh..that would be MY neighbors. Across the street from MY old house. It's difficult to not feel betrayed by these neighbors even though it sounds very snotty-jr-high-girl to say that.
_________________________
My ex's parents were "on my side" when they first found out about Hoochie. They said we'd always be family. And even though I told ex's mom that she'd get over the initial shock and eventually welcome Hoochie into the family and I'd become a distant memory, I feel a bit stabbed in the heart to know that ex and Hoochie having been taking the kids to gramma's house for weekend dinners. It feels like I've been written off and that anything good I ever brought to the table has been swept into the trash bin, forgotten. They're forging a new relationship with her---out with the old, in with the new.
________________________
I found out that today is one of ex's step daughter's birthdays. My youngest child mentioned to me that she and ex took step-daughter a special treat at school today. Hoochie didn't come. For some reason I was bothered by this. Ex was never really about doing nice, albeit unnecessary things for people. He'd be the first one to point out how wasteful niceties like balloons and flowers and a special lunch were. But apparently HER kids are worth it.
________________________
Last weekend they took their brood to the movies. Not a big deal in and of itself, except for the fact that, again, it was a rare day when he would agree to waste money on such things. 2 adults and 6 kids (well, maybe 5 since the baby was probably free) isn't cheap. And my kids reported having movie theater junk.....cha-ching.
________________________
There is still the feeling of the elephant in the room in many settings. I am not clear on proper etiquette in getting things out in the open. Do I just blurt out, "We're divorced, ok??" and stomp off? Do I just act like nothing is different? Do I have our story printed out on little notecards to hand out in awkward situations to alleviate any discomfort? I must say that my preference is for the people who say, "You know, I heard about you and ex and I'm so sorry." It's so much nicer to have it out there.
________________________
A friend shared with me her husband's frustration that, "People who think divorce is "final" are crazy...it's not final when you have kids." As much as I'm sure that he meant nothing personal by his statement, I can't help but feel a bit frustrated. I DO realize divorce is not final. I DO realize that I will be forever connected to the father of my children. I DO think about every birthday, graduation, holiday, wedding....and I know that it's not final. I did not divorce my husband because of some silly fantasy of being "done" with him forever (although I'd love it if that were true) Sadly, divorcing him was the best option, which hopefully conveys how agonizing my decision was.
________________________
So, I'm off to take a nice bubble bath and use the towels that I share with no one---and that haven't been used to wipe grease off the car's dipstick by mistake. Then I'll drink a hot cup of tea in my warm cozy, down-adorned bed with too many decorative pillows--arranged just the way I like them. And I'll smile and remember that life is good----or at least it's getting a little closer to good every "single" day.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Pros and Cons
This weekend marks the 2-month anniversary of my single-ness. It's a love/hate thing---my feelings about my life. Not completely bad, but not totally good either. Relationship purgatory---somewhere in between "recently divorced" and "wanting to marry again someday". Someone pray me out of here quick.
The cons of being here:
-continually having to answer the question "What does she look like?" when people find out about my ex's recent remarriage. (as IF it makes it acceptable if he married a supermodel.)
{He didn't.}
-having to deal with them and their insanity on a near-daily basis (this may also be considered a pro at times due to the comic relief it provides)
-having to borrow someone's husband or drill when I need to hang up a coatrack. And, no, I don't want to buy my own drill. I know how to use one, I just prefer for someone else to have that household job.
-being the only one around when a kid decides to puke in the middle of the night. (but again, I was usually the only one who actually did anything about this even when there were 2 of us around, so...no big)
-having to wonder what the appropriate amount of time is before I date again, and wondering if my friend was right when she said, "Someone will always think it's too soon, no matter how long you wait."
The pros:
-MY bed, MY decorative pillows on the bed, MY 4 pillows.....and no hairy legs scraping up against mine in the middle of the night. (admittedly, this could also be a con)
-No one else making charges out of MY bank account.
-There is more laughter in my house now...Mr. Moody isn't walking scowling all the time.
-He is not here.
-He is not here.
-He is not here.
The cons of being here:
-continually having to answer the question "What does she look like?" when people find out about my ex's recent remarriage. (as IF it makes it acceptable if he married a supermodel.)
{He didn't.}
-having to deal with them and their insanity on a near-daily basis (this may also be considered a pro at times due to the comic relief it provides)
-having to borrow someone's husband or drill when I need to hang up a coatrack. And, no, I don't want to buy my own drill. I know how to use one, I just prefer for someone else to have that household job.
-being the only one around when a kid decides to puke in the middle of the night. (but again, I was usually the only one who actually did anything about this even when there were 2 of us around, so...no big)
-having to wonder what the appropriate amount of time is before I date again, and wondering if my friend was right when she said, "Someone will always think it's too soon, no matter how long you wait."
The pros:
-MY bed, MY decorative pillows on the bed, MY 4 pillows.....and no hairy legs scraping up against mine in the middle of the night. (admittedly, this could also be a con)
-No one else making charges out of MY bank account.
-There is more laughter in my house now...Mr. Moody isn't walking scowling all the time.
-He is not here.
-He is not here.
-He is not here.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Pure Joy
It has been pure joy lately learning how to interact with my ex-husband and his new hooch---er...I mean, wife. I am counting it joy---all joy---because that's what I am supposed to do.
I count it joy when I receive a text from Hoochie that was intended for her husband saying, "She was 1o mins late!", even though I a) was not late b) had texted her that I was on my way and c) she didn't say a word to me about it
I count it joy when I call Hoochie to ask about this misdirected text and she says, "It was a joke".....and I even feel the joy welling up inside as I say back to her--"How can that possibly be a joke? It sounded like you were tattling on me"
I count it joy when my ex lectures me on how I am "overreacting" and "blowing things out of proportion" every time I ask a question to clarify something. Apparently in the handbook they've read a clarifying question from an ex-spouse automatically equals FREAKING OUT.
I count it joy when Hoochie uses the excuse, "Well, my ex used to......" when trying to justify her irrational actions.
I count it joy when I say for the millionth time----"I'm sorry for what your ex did to you, however, I am not him and I think we can be more grown up about things"
I count it joy when she looks at me with that "The lights are on but nobody's home" look. (and I count it extreme joy when I realize that my ex has that very same look....they really are a match made in heaven)
I count it joy when my children don't ask about their dad all week because I realize that they are becoming less and less attached to this selfish, stupid man.
I count it joy when my ex calls me after church to ask me what I've told people about "our situation", and nearly burst with joy when I have to explain---speaking slowly so he can understand me----that the weird looks he was getting most likely stemmed from the fact that he walked into church with a new wife, carrying a baby carrier and walking with a brood of 6 kids......
I count it joy when I tell him that the weird looks are part of walking out HIS decision...the decision he and Hoochie were very confident in 6 weeks ago, and that his actions spoke for themselves and didn't need my embellishment in order to make people raise an eyebrow.
I consider it joy when after the above conversation his biggest concern is, "Did you tell people that YOU were the one who filed for divorce?" (and I laugh with joy inside when I realize that he actually thinks he is justified since I filed the paperwork.....legalism at its finest)
I consider it Pure, unadulterated joy when I realize that my ex husband is just that----my EX husband.
I count it joy when I receive a text from Hoochie that was intended for her husband saying, "She was 1o mins late!", even though I a) was not late b) had texted her that I was on my way and c) she didn't say a word to me about it
I count it joy when I call Hoochie to ask about this misdirected text and she says, "It was a joke".....and I even feel the joy welling up inside as I say back to her--"How can that possibly be a joke? It sounded like you were tattling on me"
I count it joy when my ex lectures me on how I am "overreacting" and "blowing things out of proportion" every time I ask a question to clarify something. Apparently in the handbook they've read a clarifying question from an ex-spouse automatically equals FREAKING OUT.
I count it joy when Hoochie uses the excuse, "Well, my ex used to......" when trying to justify her irrational actions.
I count it joy when I say for the millionth time----"I'm sorry for what your ex did to you, however, I am not him and I think we can be more grown up about things"
I count it joy when she looks at me with that "The lights are on but nobody's home" look. (and I count it extreme joy when I realize that my ex has that very same look....they really are a match made in heaven)
I count it joy when my children don't ask about their dad all week because I realize that they are becoming less and less attached to this selfish, stupid man.
I count it joy when my ex calls me after church to ask me what I've told people about "our situation", and nearly burst with joy when I have to explain---speaking slowly so he can understand me----that the weird looks he was getting most likely stemmed from the fact that he walked into church with a new wife, carrying a baby carrier and walking with a brood of 6 kids......
I count it joy when I tell him that the weird looks are part of walking out HIS decision...the decision he and Hoochie were very confident in 6 weeks ago, and that his actions spoke for themselves and didn't need my embellishment in order to make people raise an eyebrow.
I consider it joy when after the above conversation his biggest concern is, "Did you tell people that YOU were the one who filed for divorce?" (and I laugh with joy inside when I realize that he actually thinks he is justified since I filed the paperwork.....legalism at its finest)
I consider it Pure, unadulterated joy when I realize that my ex husband is just that----my EX husband.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Shameless whining
The thing that will undoubtedly drive me mad about Ex being married to Hoochie is having to hear about all the things she does and is. I'm not certain he's smart enough to be doing this on purpose, but it's driving me batty nonetheless.
I listened to his discourse about the greatness that is Hoochie, squirming now and again lest the veins in my neck explode right then and there. I listened to him gleefully tell me how compatible they are, how much she LOVES his hobby, how sweet, nice, wonderful she is (he never says smart---I've noticed that word has never come up when he describes her. Heh). He went on about how much she loves to do home improvement projects, can shampoo the carpets (?!), and how she's sweet, nice, and wonderful.
I silently gag while he's rambling on like the 13 year old, hormonal imbecile he has become.
So, yesterday when he came over to see the kids and he started gushing about his little burning hunk of love, I cut him off abruptly, saying, "I am operating under the assumption that you ARE very compatible, you ARE infatuated with her, you're THRILLED with all the things you love to do with her---I totally get it. I would assume no less since you married her days after meeting her. And while I do care about your union, to the extent that MY children are affected by it, I also have to tell you that a bigger part of me really DOESN'T CARE."
After receiving his text on Saturday that they had, indeed, gotten hitched, I texted back, "As weird as this sounds, congrats to you guys. I hope with all my heart this works out for everyone." I am making every effort to be more than civil, more than cordial...I am trying to be "on his side" as much as I can. But listening to him brag about this relationship that still strikes me as a juvenile obsession based on nothing but pure animal attraction and....well, I don't know what else, is not something that I think is necessary for me to subject myself to.
After I had stopped him, he paused and said, "You know, you still have some really good qualities". {Let me be really clear here----if looks could kill, that man would be 6 feet under by now} I quickly replied, "I know I do. I have a lot to bring to the table. The fact that you didn't or couldn't appreciate me for me doesn't diminish who I am, and please don't think I need you to validate me; I'm fine."
Now, if only I really felt that way.
I listened to his discourse about the greatness that is Hoochie, squirming now and again lest the veins in my neck explode right then and there. I listened to him gleefully tell me how compatible they are, how much she LOVES his hobby, how sweet, nice, wonderful she is (he never says smart---I've noticed that word has never come up when he describes her. Heh). He went on about how much she loves to do home improvement projects, can shampoo the carpets (?!), and how she's sweet, nice, and wonderful.
I silently gag while he's rambling on like the 13 year old, hormonal imbecile he has become.
So, yesterday when he came over to see the kids and he started gushing about his little burning hunk of love, I cut him off abruptly, saying, "I am operating under the assumption that you ARE very compatible, you ARE infatuated with her, you're THRILLED with all the things you love to do with her---I totally get it. I would assume no less since you married her days after meeting her. And while I do care about your union, to the extent that MY children are affected by it, I also have to tell you that a bigger part of me really DOESN'T CARE."
After receiving his text on Saturday that they had, indeed, gotten hitched, I texted back, "As weird as this sounds, congrats to you guys. I hope with all my heart this works out for everyone." I am making every effort to be more than civil, more than cordial...I am trying to be "on his side" as much as I can. But listening to him brag about this relationship that still strikes me as a juvenile obsession based on nothing but pure animal attraction and....well, I don't know what else, is not something that I think is necessary for me to subject myself to.
After I had stopped him, he paused and said, "You know, you still have some really good qualities". {Let me be really clear here----if looks could kill, that man would be 6 feet under by now} I quickly replied, "I know I do. I have a lot to bring to the table. The fact that you didn't or couldn't appreciate me for me doesn't diminish who I am, and please don't think I need you to validate me; I'm fine."
Now, if only I really felt that way.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
It is finished
As of yesterday afternoon around 1:15 p.m. I am single.
No longer married.
I didn't realize what going to court would entail. I had to be sworn in and take the stand. Then my attorney proceeded to ask me to confirm questions whose answers were right there in the paperwork. Thankfully, all the answers were either "Yes" or "That's correct". Nothing difficult, just tedious.
As I walked back to join my attorney---the judge continued to ramble on about the same stuff we had just been confirming---I felt the tears welling up. The finality of it all hit me. This is really over.
My attorney leaned over to let me know I was free to go, and I walked out of the courtroom, leaving the other 6 couples in the room to dissolve their unions. {and can I just say how utterly appalled I was at the choice of clothing of most of the other people in the room? I was apparently out of fashion as I left my wife beater and Daisy Dukes at home....for the love of Pete, can we err on the side of "over dressed" next time we're entering the County Courthouse, people?}
So what does one do moments after becoming single after nearly 13 years of being attached? This someone drove to Lowe's to exchange the lightbulbs I mistakenly grabbed yesterday. And I marveled at how the world was still revolving on its axis, people were still acting like everything was normal, and life marched on with little regard to the change mine had just undergone.
No longer married.
I didn't realize what going to court would entail. I had to be sworn in and take the stand. Then my attorney proceeded to ask me to confirm questions whose answers were right there in the paperwork. Thankfully, all the answers were either "Yes" or "That's correct". Nothing difficult, just tedious.
As I walked back to join my attorney---the judge continued to ramble on about the same stuff we had just been confirming---I felt the tears welling up. The finality of it all hit me. This is really over.
My attorney leaned over to let me know I was free to go, and I walked out of the courtroom, leaving the other 6 couples in the room to dissolve their unions. {and can I just say how utterly appalled I was at the choice of clothing of most of the other people in the room? I was apparently out of fashion as I left my wife beater and Daisy Dukes at home....for the love of Pete, can we err on the side of "over dressed" next time we're entering the County Courthouse, people?}
So what does one do moments after becoming single after nearly 13 years of being attached? This someone drove to Lowe's to exchange the lightbulbs I mistakenly grabbed yesterday. And I marveled at how the world was still revolving on its axis, people were still acting like everything was normal, and life marched on with little regard to the change mine had just undergone.
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