telling and showing

This weekend we're telling our kids about the divorce. I believe this will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Not being the "product of divorce", I have no idea what a person might feel when his parents tell him they are splitting up. Will this be one of those defining moments in his life? A moment that will bring tears to his eyes over the years as he explains time and time again, "My dad doesn't live here anymore." Will he spend hours of his life on a therapist's couch because of this moment and the resulting path his life takes?
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I got a phone call from a friend today. A friend who heard from a friend of a friend of a friend------that we are getting divorced. The big problem with this is one of the "friends" happens to be a cousin of my soon-to-be-ex. And she lives across the street from his parents. Who do not know yet. On a good day she's got the biggest mouth in the county...when there's "juicy news", well, that travels at warp speed.

My blood pressure shot up for a moment. Then reality hit: word IS going to get out. I've been thinking for a time now that he should probably tell them. Perhaps this is just evidence of God's perfect timing--a nudge of sorts.

So, he called his mom and told her. I'm relieved and anxious. So glad it's "out". Anxious about what the knowledge of our impending divorce will mean for some family members. I'm determined to let them react how they need to---and to understand the place they're coming from. Most will assume this is a snap decision, not realizing the months and years of counseling we've walked through, not knowing the real issues at the heart of this divorce. There is loss for them as well that may cloud their view of the situation. It's very easy to hear the word divorce and make broad, sweeping assumptions about the parties involved.
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Then comes the hard part---showing them love. Maybe not in the hugging sort of way that was once acceptable, but in the real, human, this-sucks-but-it-is-our-new-normal kind of way. I can be bitter, defensive, passive-aggressive, bitchy...I'm actually quite good at all of those, but I'm not so good at loving my enemies. And I fear some of them are going to cross the line into that camp.

one step closer.

Appointment with the attorney tomorrow...finally. I'm not sure what's it's about, other than, you know, the obvious thing. Not sure if it's just to look over the paperwork before it is presented to "him", or something else. I'm just eager to get through this.

Last night my husband and I had a lengthy talk about "Things". He wanted to know MY plan.

Me: Uh....well, the big plan is to divorce you. The next thing on my list is to stop doubting myself and my decision making ability. Third thing....umm...perhaps I'll buy a kayak. You?

He got a little snippy with me after that, which made it a little bit fun if I'm being completely honest here.

I told him he needed to find another place to live. I don't think this arrangement is good now that we know reconciliation is not a possibility. I'd like to, you know, sleep in an actual bed again sometime. He is resisting looking for an apartment or house. He makes 3rd grade excuses..."Well, I can't look NOW because then I'll find something I like and I won't be able to get it." "I HAVE to have a garage and there's nothing with a garage." I suggested he call the property management places and let them know when he'd like to move and what he's looking for so they can be keeping an eye out for him. Geez....is it THAT hard to figure this out? You can concoct a grand plan to deceive me, ruin your children's future, and rebuild an entire car engine out of silly putty and a rubber band, but dialing the phone didn't occur to you???

He wants to wait to move out until the end of August. Right as school is starting. You know, to add even more stress to an already stressful time of year......lets throw our kids into ANOTHER tailspin right as we shove them out the door to school and daycare again----after I've been home for 10 weeks with them. Perfect plan---now, why didn't I think of that?

I got him to agree to the end of June---or immediately IF the right place comes open---as move out date. That would give us all time to adjust to life apart while we have downtime to deal with things.

I think he's finally going to tell his family. His parents and brother were in town today and took him to lunch. He's dragging his feet on telling them. Understandable to a certain degree---this is hard news to break. But, I keep reminding him that it could, quite possibly, be in the newspaper (which his parents subscribe to) in the next few weeks, and that would be a horrible way to find out about your son's marriage. I asked that he tell me when he talks to them so I can be prepared...because his mother WILL call me. I'm certain. And, she will probably go into overdrive in spoiling our children materially to make up for the damage we're doing. So, that will be loads of fun to undo.. Yay. I'm counting on them to behave exactly like he is lately and become "Super Grandparents"....doing everything and wanting to be involved in every aspect of their lives even though they've been mostly "fringe" for months and months.

I have been working on a letter that I'm not sure I'll ever send to her..to them. But it covers different things like what they are okay to talk to our kids about and what they are not welcome to say. Maybe it's more for me to feel like I'm actually in control of what my children may hear.

Life

Life is a blister on top of a tumour, and a boil on top of that.

Sholom Aleichem

I laughed hard when I read it before the sobering realization hit. I've sort of been subscribing to this school of thought. gulp. You can imagine how great it has been to be around me. Delightful.

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Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams. ~Ashley Smith

Ahhh....that's better.

time

After experiencing waves of sadness last night, today seemed very normal. Midday I was feeling some sense of, "Wow, I'm really getting through this thing finally", when I realized that it had scarcely been 12 hours since I had been perusing the pharmaceutical websites to consider if I may need their help.

Minutes go by like hours, and days pass like months. A strange sort of time warp for sure. Probably evidence of the emotional roller coaster I am presently riding.

15 years ago I lived in a really rainy region of the country. Most days were gray with at least some precipitation. Often there was an all out downpour. When the sun actually showed up, people came out in droves to soak it up. All too soon the sun would be drowned out--literally--by more gray and soggy weather, and we'd be telling fond stories of the good ol' days when the sun shined for 8 solid hours. Within a half hour of the clouds rolling in, it already felt like ages since the sun had been there.

I'm living in that time warp. (and I need to find a different analogy-the storm/weather stuff is getting old)

tomorrow

Tomorrow marks 90 days since I filed. I'm not sure what actually happens next. Will fireworks go off spontaneously to mark the occasion? Is a handshake appropriate? A hug, perhaps?

My attorney has been busy, apparently. A couple of unreturned phone calls are making me wonder what's going on. Not being an expert on how to dissolve something that was supposed to last forever, I'm confused about "where" we are now....

I do know that I am stuck in a rut. Living in a house with a man who is very good at pretending, so much so that I find myself questioning his every action because I don't know what's underneath. Manipulation? Killing me with kindness? Or could it be genuine? We're both polite and neutral to each other---or as close to polite and neutral as possible.

Bitter creeps out a little. I don't mean for it to, but it's very sneaky.

I'm weary. I've been holding my breath for months now.... I can tell the air is running out, but I still can't see the surface. I hope I make it.

I've been trying so hard to find the silver lining. It's not easy. My new normal leans toward the negative and cynical. Being already gifted in the fine art of sarcasm, it's hard to not completely succumb to the dark side.

~~~

This might hurt, it's not safe,

but I know that I've got to make a change

I don't care if I break; at least I'll be feeling something

'Cause "just okay" is not enough

help me fight through the nothingness of Life

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No regrets, not this time

gonna let my heart defeat my mind

let your love make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something

~~~

These are the words of the day; the "something" that gave me pause and made me stop and breathe...and just 'be' for a few minutes. I took them out of the context of the song and applied them to my life now, and it fits. The nothingness of Life...I'm there.

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blue

Blue is the color I feel most days. Or gray.

I'm sad.

I mentally turn around and around---like a dog trying to find the perfect place to lay down and sleep---never quite getting it right. I analyze every facet of my situation in a feeble, and unsuccessful, attempt at dulling the pain. The chianti helped a little tonight, but I'm still sad.

I don't think I can bypass the hurt and the sadness. I think have to walk through it.

And I'm scared I'll come out on the other side scarred beyond recognition.

The blue-gray sad washes over me again.

I think inside every woman there's still a little girl hoping that somewhere there really is a prince on a white horse coming for her. Coming to rescue her. Coming to sweep her off her feet. Coming to love her unconditionally forever....happily ever after, that is.

I traded in happily ever after for "hopefully" ever after, knowing full well that I had no business marrying him. I think we only made it this long because I held on to that fairy tale about the white horse and prince showing up.......mine missed the turn. Maybe he didn't ask for directions.

What makes me most sad is to recognize that my sadness isn't specifically because of missing him...I don't want him in his unhealthy, sinful, unrepentant state. I'm sad because I just spent more than 12 years with a man who chose airbrushed pixels over real-life flesh and blood. He knew the things that could hurt me the most---and he did them anyway.

This is my anthem---my song of hope. I've got to believe there's hope but I'm terrified this is all there is.

When my life is like a storm

Rising waters --all I want is the shore

you say I'll be okay

and make it through the rain

You are my shelter from the storm

(the blue-gray raging storm)

karma

Today was a good day.

-The sun was out and showing its face. The sky was bluer than blue. When I drove up the valley to a friend's house this afternoon it almost took my breath away---I live in such a beautiful place.

-I realized, after much calculating and figuring, that I CAN afford the house. So the plan is for the kids and I to be here and for him to find an apartment in June. I can live with that.

-The house was shown twice this week. No offers, but it was still encouraging. Praying that our awesome backyard wowed someone....and praying for a bidding war. I serve a big God, so it could happen.

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He came home from the weekend festival and said, "I had a bad day." I was unclear about how he could have a bad day when the entire day was spent surrounded by the one thing in the world he loves the most: The Hobby. He proceeded to tell me how he had crashed the 3K "something-something" he had JUST purchased a month or so ago. It's damaged beyond repair.

I tried not to smirk, but I wasn't successful. I said in my calmest, most even voice..."I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere.....maybe you can find it while you're paying 18% interest on that pile of junk sitting in the dumpster."

I think that's called Karma.

bitter cup

Last Sunday we listed the house. The sign was placed in the yard. Neighbors wondered.

No high hopes for a quick sale. Reality says this will be a long shot.

It's 6 days later and we had a showing. Tuesday we have another. Do I dare to hope it sells, or do I hope it doesn't so the kids and I can stay put for awhile?

I hate limbo. I don't like being still. Is this my penance for all the times I rushed things?
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The kids are with him tonight. They're camping out, eating junk food, watching movies. I'm curled up on the couch, watching The Notebook for the 876th time. I finally have time to myself, and now I'm lonely.

My mind is racing again. More what-ifs. More should-I's. More uncertainty and wondering at what life will look like when the storm settles. It will never look the same. I don't think it'll ever feel the same either.

I know too well the realities of life now. I'm in that transistional period like when I was 9 and I figured out Santa wasn't real. I just "knew" he couldn't be real. I could rationalize it in my head, but it still hurt. A layer of pastel fantasy melted away, and in its place was the harsh acrylic texture of Reality. Life went on, but it was a little dimmer.

I know that people survive this thing called "Dissolution of Marriage". I can't help but feel that some bright and beautiful piece of the picture of my Life has been wiped away by the harsh realities I face. I can't go back to that innocent idea of Til Death Do Us Part.
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Opening a bottle of wine, I search for a glass, hoping to come up with something more suitable than a coffee mug.

The first wine glass I found was from our wedding set, unless you count the Arby's stemware with the chipped edges and rubbed off gold-leaf around the rim. There was the Mikasa stemware I remember picking out with him more than 12 years ago. Understated elegance was what drew me to them in the first place.

These glasses were to be a symbol of the most important day in our lives. They, simply by their place in our wedding day, would be ordinary objects, sanctified. And every time we drank from them we'd be reminded of that day. Or so the fairytale said.....

But tonight I toast myself. Alone. I drink the 2007 Cab and taste more of the bitter than the sweet.