more than 12 years ago

what's new?

2009-12-31T08:35:00.000-08:00

The last several weeks have been like a moody teenager--just when I think the hormonal shift has happened and life is going to be calm again, Ex's hormones surge and I'm left in the wake of his irrationality wondering what hit me. Do they make midol for men?

We've had a few "events" together---the 3 of us. A kid-activity that we all attended--(They showed up 90 minutes late...just sayin'), a birthday breakfast and dinner for the younger child. Nothing Jerry Springer-esque happened. We all behaved and played our parts quite nicely. Still, not my first choice of people to hang with.
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I had been feeling like I could finally exhale and relax a little since "we" are all finally fitting into our new roles with some success when the email arrived. Stunned, surprised, and not just a little bit hurt, it reminded me of who he is. The email follows. My response, which was sent days later after some serious pondering, is in blue. The award winning line is em-boldened and em-biggened, but I'm sure you could've picked it out yourself.

(remember, names have been changed to protect the guilty)
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You, Hoochie and I are stuck together for the rest of our lives, because of the kids. I don't want this to be an awkward thing every time we see each other when Hoochie and I are both there. I guess I'm not clear on what recent events have been awkward/uncomfortable. I was thinking quite the opposite. Hoochie and I ran into each other at Safeway a few weeks ago. She saw me first and got my attention and we chatted for a couple of minutes. I thought that was good, and I was glad she said something to me. Than, when you guys came to pick up the kids for hockey after Thanksgiving and I ran to show you the elephant our girl had drawn---Hoochie was great. It didn't appear that she felt awkward at all, and I know I didn't. At the swim meet I didn't pick up on awkwardness at all. Hoochie smiled at me, I smiled at her, and I said goodbye and waved before leaving. So, again, I missed the awkwardness, and I was feeling like things were going well. I did not hear either of you say even Hi to each other at the swim meet or when you stopped by to drop off the shoes. Hoochie wanted to be involved in the conversation but shared with me she was uncomfortable as you didn't seem to acknowledge her. My perception of when I was there to drop the shoes off was that she was busy decorating the tree. I didn't want to disrupt what you guys were doing, which is why I stayed by the door. It's a bit awkward for me when I'm there because it's not my house anymore, and I don't want to overstep. This doesn't need to happen. I hate this. The kids are going to pick up on this source of contention. I don't want the kids' mom and step-mom at war with each other. This doesn't make sense to me at all. I don't feel we are at war. I think our recent actions (that I shared above) demonstrate courtesy toward each other to our kids. I'm not clear on what is the "source of contention" or "at war"....I don't see that at all. They are loved by both. Hoochie will never take your place, nor does she want to. She has her own kids to take care of and adore. She is very good to our kids though and wants to help me take care of them when they are at our house because she knows how much they mean to me and wants to help me in any way possible. At some point, you need to stop thinking of us as your enemy. I actually dont' feel this way at all. I don't see you as the enemy. What I often tell the kids is how lucky they are to have more people to love and to love them. We are not out to get you. We are not trying to make your life difficult. I am working on getting you financially un-tied to me so you are not bound to me in any way financially except through DCS. Hopefully that will relieve some of your uneasiness and bitterness towards me. I will feel relieved when I have been refi'd off the house, yes. I am still sorry for the things that had happened in our marriage and the things I did to make you not trust me. I don't think that you have truly forgiven me yet, and maybe you just need more time. Until that happens, the issues with you have with me and Tina will not go away. It does go both ways though. I feel like you think you did nothing wrong at all in our marriage and I needed to do all of the changing. This is water under the bridge, and not something we need to rehash. It is nice that Hoochie has shown me what a loving spouse could be and she also has helped me to appreciate my parents again. My view of them had become skewed of them over the years with your help. I am glad to hear your relationship with your parents is being healed. God is good. I think it's a testament to how God can use any situation for His glory. Even the last time I was at your place, you were slamming my mom about the candy and the type of sugar that she had mentioned to you earlier. She is human and can make mistakes or make not thoroughly thought through comments, but she is a very gracious and kind person. I feel bad that you perceived my xylitol comment as a slam to your mom. I was attempting to be funny ---how she used to bring up xylitol all the time--anyway. It wasn't intended as a critique of your mom. She is a very gracious and kind person, indeed.
Please help us figure out a way that we can start communicating in a non threatening kind way.I am just not following this line of thinking. I have honestly been thinking that we have been communicating fine and making gains in establishing our relationship with each other---including Hoochie. I think that this will just take time to "grow" into, and that we all probably need to recognize our own insecurities in this. It's hard for all of us in different ways. Do we need to have dinner together sometime, all of us? We certainly could. I mean, the birthday dinner is Saturday, but it would be fine to meet again. We need to get through this stage in life, I agree, and I think any relationship takes time to develop. I think this is no different. if nothing else just for the kids. Any feedback to this email would be greatly appreciated. Thank You!!
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I didn't hear from him after sending this. I quite certain they must've had a falling out on the homefront and he needed someone to lash out against. All of these things are completely unfounded....but really, it's no surprise.
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For Christmas, Hoochie got me a gift. I was truly touched at the gesture. I had toyed with the idea of getting them something, but decided against it. I do, however, wonder if I need to send them a dictionary and highlight the word "Irony" for them.

The gift, which is something I love, was vinyl lettering for walls. It was the following quote:

Family: A Journey to Forever

I thanked her for the gift---and really, it IS something I love....I just find the irony of what it says and who gave it to me to be quite funny.

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Just in case---

Irony:

1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her gift, "Family: A Journey to Forever" , given to her husband's ex-wife.

2. the incongruity of this.
2a. Incongruity: Not in agreement, as with principles

same story, different day

2009-11-08T16:48:00.000-08:00

Nothing much to post here. I am settling into things. I no longer have to deal with Hoochie on a daily basis---or even a weekly basis---which makes it waaaay better in my mind.

Just about the time I start thinking, "Hey, maybe she isn't so bad. Maybe I was being a little overly concerned"...I find out something else about her that confirms my original suspicions about her integrity.

A mutual friend ran into ex and Hoochie in the grocery store last week. Hoochie asked friend how she was, and friend proceeded to tell how she and her boyfriend had just broken up and it was still difficult. Hoochie said....(and I paraphrase since I wasn't there to hear it from the horse's mouth) Well, what I think you need to do is get online and meet someone right away. That's what I always do.

Hmmm....reeeeeeallly?

That would explain your profile on a dating site a mere month (or maybe less) after giving birth to your fourth baby....and I'm starting to wonder if the baby daddy was another online conquest since he is no longer in the picture.

And because her family is so supportive of her recent marriage, I have to wonder if they've been taken in by her husband's upstanding image and morals. I'm guessing he appears to be leaps and bounds above the other people she has had in her life. By her own admission her ex was a sex addict (interesting, isn't it?) and baby Daddy was "no good"....now with this new info that she just seems to hop online when she needs a new beau, well, I have to wonder how often she's still trolling since her work is done from home...online. And it appears that her new husband is gone an awful lot working on his hobby.

Hmmmmm

astonished

2009-10-20T21:36:00.000-07:00

Interesting thing happened this week.

My former mother-in-law happens to work for some people I know---or knew years ago. I used to live in the garage apartment at their home before I married Ex.

This week I went to visit and deliver a baby gift to one of the now-grown children of this family I used to live with. As my friend introduced me to her niece, she said, "This is So-and-so's daughter-in-law". I glanced at her with a weird look on my face, I'm sure.

Surprisingly, she hadn't heard about, you know, "The Situation". INTERESTING.

Why is this interesting, you ask? Well, it's because my former mother-in-law happens to be one of the biggest gossips I've met in my life. I have not known her to ever keep her mouth shut in all the years I was part of her family. Her children and their spouses know this and do not share information with her unless it is acceptable that the entire town she lives in knows. Many of her extended family knows this about her. It is a fact. So, for her to NOT share about her son and I getting a divorce----especially with the people she works with daily----is quite surprising.

One side of me wants to be impressed. It sounds impressive and honorable. I suppose it could be out of care and concern for me. But I'm fairly certain that her restrait comes from her own realization that her precious boy's choices reflect on her family negatively. And it's rather hard to be judgmental and self-righteous when the stench you smell is coming from your own trash can.
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facets of grief

2009-10-15T20:04:00.000-07:00

As time goes by I am finding myself more and more THRILLED with my life as a single person. Even so, the reality of grief---and the areas it emcompasses---is somewhat surprising.
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I found out Hoochie's kids are now playing with the neighbors across the street. Uh..that would be MY neighbors. Across the street from MY old house. It's difficult to not feel betrayed by these neighbors even though it sounds very snotty-jr-high-girl to say that.
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My ex's parents were "on my side" when they first found out about Hoochie. They said we'd always be family. And even though I told ex's mom that she'd get over the initial shock and eventually welcome Hoochie into the family and I'd become a distant memory, I feel a bit stabbed in the heart to know that ex and Hoochie having been taking the kids to gramma's house for weekend dinners. It feels like I've been written off and that anything good I ever brought to the table has been swept into the trash bin, forgotten. They're forging a new relationship with her---out with the old, in with the new.
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I found out that today is one of ex's step daughter's birthdays. My youngest child mentioned to me that she and ex took step-daughter a special treat at school today. Hoochie didn't come. For some reason I was bothered by this. Ex was never really about doing nice, albeit unnecessary things for people. He'd be the first one to point out how wasteful niceties like balloons and flowers and a special lunch were. But apparently HER kids are worth it.
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Last weekend they took their brood to the movies. Not a big deal in and of itself, except for the fact that, again, it was a rare day when he would agree to waste money on such things. 2 adults and 6 kids (well, maybe 5 since the baby was probably free) isn't cheap. And my kids reported having movie theater junk.....cha-ching.
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There is still the feeling of the elephant in the room in many settings. I am not clear on proper etiquette in getting things out in the open. Do I just blurt out, "We're divorced, ok??" and stomp off? Do I just act like nothing is different? Do I have our story printed out on little notecards to hand out in awkward situations to alleviate any discomfort? I must say that my preference is for the people who say, "You know, I heard about you and ex and I'm so sorry." It's so much nicer to have it out there.
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A friend shared with me her husband's frustration that, "People who think divorce is "final" are crazy...it's not final when you have kids." As much as I'm sure that he meant nothing personal by his statement, I can't help but feel a bit frustrated. I DO realize divorce is not final. I DO realize that I will be forever connected to the father of my children. I DO think about every birthday, graduation, holiday, wedding....and I know that it's not final. I did not divorce my husband because of some silly fantasy of being "done" with him forever (although I'd love it if that were true) Sadly, divorcing him was the best option, which hopefully conveys how agonizing my decision was.
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So, I'm off to take a nice bubble bath and use the towels that I share with no one---and that haven't been used to wipe grease off the car's dipstick by mistake. Then I'll drink a hot cup of tea in my warm cozy, down-adorned bed with too many decorative pillows--arranged just the way I like them. And I'll smile and remember that life is good----or at least it's getting a little closer to good every "single" day.

Pros and Cons

2009-10-02T18:54:00.000-07:00

This weekend marks the 2-month anniversary of my single-ness. It's a love/hate thing---my feelings about my life. Not completely bad, but not totally good either. Relationship purgatory---somewhere in between "recently divorced" and "wanting to marry again someday". Someone pray me out of here quick.

The cons of being here:
-continually having to answer the question "What does she look like?" when people find out about my ex's recent remarriage. (as IF it makes it acceptable if he married a supermodel.)
{He didn't.}

-having to deal with them and their insanity on a near-daily basis (this may also be considered a pro at times due to the comic relief it provides)

-having to borrow someone's husband or drill when I need to hang up a coatrack. And, no, I don't want to buy my own drill. I know how to use one, I just prefer for someone else to have that household job.

-being the only one around when a kid decides to puke in the middle of the night. (but again, I was usually the only one who actually did anything about this even when there were 2 of us around, so...no big)

-having to wonder what the appropriate amount of time is before I date again, and wondering if my friend was right when she said, "Someone will always think it's too soon, no matter how long you wait."

The pros:
-MY bed, MY decorative pillows on the bed, MY 4 pillows.....and no hairy legs scraping up against mine in the middle of the night. (admittedly, this could also be a con)

-No one else making charges out of MY bank account.

-There is more laughter in my house now...Mr. Moody isn't walking scowling all the time.

-He is not here.

-He is not here.

-He is not here.

Pure Joy

2009-09-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

It has been pure joy lately learning how to interact with my ex-husband and his new hooch---er...I mean, wife. I am counting it joy---all joy---because that's what I am supposed to do.

I count it joy when I receive a text from Hoochie that was intended for her husband saying, "She was 1o mins late!", even though I a) was not late b) had texted her that I was on my way and c) she didn't say a word to me about it

I count it joy when I call Hoochie to ask about this misdirected text and she says, "It was a joke".....and I even feel the joy welling up inside as I say back to her--"How can that possibly be a joke? It sounded like you were tattling on me"

I count it joy when my ex lectures me on how I am "overreacting" and "blowing things out of proportion" every time I ask a question to clarify something. Apparently in the handbook they've read a clarifying question from an ex-spouse automatically equals FREAKING OUT.

I count it joy when Hoochie uses the excuse, "Well, my ex used to......" when trying to justify her irrational actions.

I count it joy when I say for the millionth time----"I'm sorry for what your ex did to you, however, I am not him (he?)and I think we can be more grown up about things"

I count it joy when she looks at me with that "The lights are on but nobody's home" look. (and I count it extreme joy when I realize that my ex has that very same look....they really are a match made in heaven)

I count it joy when my children don't ask about their dad all week because I realize that they are becoming less and less attached to this selfish, stupid man.

I count it joy when my ex calls me after church to ask me what I've told people about "our situation", and nearly burst with joy when I have to explain---speaking slowly so he can understand me----that the weird looks he was getting most likely stemmed from the fact that he walked into church with a new wife, carrying a baby carrier and walking with a brood of 6 kids......

I count it joy when I tell him that the weird looks are part of walking out HIS decision...the decision he and Hoochie were very confident in 6 weeks ago, and that his actions spoke for themselves and didn't need my embellishment in order to make people raise an eyebrow.

I consider it joy when after the above conversation his biggest concern is, "Did you tell people that YOU were the one who filed for divorce?" (and I laugh with joy inside when I realize that he actually thinks he is justified since I filed the paperwork.....legalism at its finest)

I consider it Pure, unadulterated (pun totally intended) joy when I realize that my ex husband is just that----my EX husband.

Shameless whining

2009-08-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

The thing that will undoubtedly drive me mad about Ex being married to Hoochie is having to hear about all the things she does and is. I'm not certain he's smart enough to be doing this on purpose, but it's driving me batty nonetheless.

I listened to his discourse about the greatness that is Hoochie, squirming now and again lest the veins in my neck explode right then and there. I listened to him gleefully tell me how compatible they are, how much she LOVES his hobby, how sweet, nice, wonderful she is (he never says smart---I've noticed that word has never come up when he describes her. Heh). He went on about how much she loves to do home improvement projects, can shampoo the carpets (?!), and how she's sweet, nice, and wonderful.

I silently gag while he's rambling on like the 13 year old, hormonal imbecile he has become.

So, yesterday when he came over to see the kids and he started gushing about his little burning hunk of love, I cut him off abruptly, saying, "I am operating under the assumption that you ARE very compatible, you ARE infatuated with her, you're THRILLED with all the things you love to do with her---I totally get it. I would assume no less since you married her days after meeting her. And while I do care about your union, to the extent that MY children are affected by it, I also have to tell you that a bigger part of me really DOESN'T CARE."

After receiving his text on Saturday that they had, indeed, gotten hitched, I texted back, "As weird as this sounds, congrats to you guys. I hope with all my heart this works out for everyone." I am making every effort to be more than civil, more than cordial...I am trying to be "on his side" as much as I can. But listening to him brag about this relationship that still strikes me as a juvenile obsession based on nothing but pure animal attraction and....well, I don't know what else, is not something that I think is necessary for me to subject myself to.

After I had stopped him, he paused and said, "You know, you still have some really good qualities". {Let me be really clear here----if looks could kill, that man would be 6 feet under by now} I quickly replied, "I know I do. I have a lot to bring to the table. The fact that you didn't or couldn't appreciate me for me doesn't diminish who I am, and please don't think I need you to validate me; I'm fine."

Now, if only I really felt that way.

It is finished

2009-08-05T22:17:00.000-07:00

As of yesterday afternoon around 1:15 p.m. I am single.
No longer married.

I didn't realize what going to court would entail. I had to be sworn in and take the stand. Then my attorney proceeded to ask me to confirm questions whose answers were right there in the paperwork. Thankfully, all the answers were either "Yes" or "That's correct". Nothing difficult, just tedious.

As I walked back to join my attorney---the judge continued to ramble on about the same stuff we had just been confirming---I felt the tears welling up. The finality of it all hit me. This is really over.

My attorney leaned over to let me know I was free to go, and I walked out of the courtroom, leaving the other 6 couples in the room to dissolve their unions. {and can I just say how utterly appalled I was at the choice of clothing of most of the other people in the room? I was apparently out of fashion as I left my wife beater and Daisy Dukes at home....for the love of Pete, can we err on the side of "over dressed" next time we're entering the County Courthouse, people?}

So what does one do moments after becoming single after nearly 13 years of being attached? This someone drove to Lowe's to exchange the lightbulbs I mistakenly grabbed yesterday. And I marveled at how the world was still revolving on its axis, people were still acting like everything was normal, and life marched on with little regard to the change mine had just undergone.

August 4

2009-07-27T21:53:00.000-07:00

The end to more than 12 years together will come a week from tomorrow around 1:00 p.m.

I'm taking bets on how many antacids I will consume between now and then.
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The kids and I will be moving to our rented townhouse on Saturday. I am working on paring down belongings. I am taking only things that I love.
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I am fairly certain that I will never understand the decision he and Hoochie have made. But I will have to accept it. Perhaps it's a little premature to be talking about what I've learned through this situation, but I AM seeing a silver lining. I have a dear friend who calls these lessons learned her "Bouquets from God". I'm stealing that idea.

I have wanted to simplify for years and years, but without being on the same page as my spouse---a spouse who is very materialistic---it has been virtually impossible. Being able to do that now makes getting rid of things much easier. It has been tremendously liberating to feel very unattached from my possessions as I pack many things up for charity.

When He first told his mom that we were getting a divorce, the first thing out of her mouth was to ask him if I had had an affair. I was terribly insulted that THAT would be her assumption. Seeing his decision play out in such a universally strange way makes me feel like God is giving me some amount of vindication for my decision to file for divorce. Clearly, having him marry a woman just over a month after meeting her and days after finalizing a divorce from me, puts his character in question. I'll have to work a little on not feeling smug. And I should probably not hold my breath waiting for a phone call from his mom.

All along I have prayed for confirmation and validation for petitioning for divorce from him. I have agonized over it time and again. As it comes to a close, and in light of the most recent events, I feel like God has flung open the door to my marriage and said, "Go". I feel complete freedom in my decision.
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And yet, it's still scary. I've never been in a situation like this where I have to go on faith that God is really who he says He is. I've cried in bed many a night recently because I just have to trust. It's all at once disconcerting AND also slightly refreshing---the choice has been taken from me for now. I have to trust. It's either that or go insane.

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Oh---and I watched "The Baby" for them yesterday. As weird, awkward, crazy as it was, I'm glad I did it. In some way it's a lesson for me in Grace. It feels like a small victory for me to be able to extend Grace (something you don't deserve but get anyway) to these two people---not so much for their benefit, but for me. I think that if I can extend Grace, I must not be THAT bitter. And, well, there's just something about a sweet baby.

another character reference

2009-07-24T17:19:00.001-07:00

His girlfriend gave me the name of another friend of hers----a former teacher and principal---so I could call and get more info about what kind of person she really is.

I called a few minutes ago, and talked to "Jane". Jane sang Hoochie's praises as a person, mother, Christian. Jane said that she has had Hoochie watch her kids over the years and has no qualms about doing so.

After a few minutes she started inquiring about my husband. Except she didn't actually know he was still married to me. Oops---did I spill the beans? Apparently Hoochie told Jane that he IS divorced. I'm trying to figure out if Jane left out that info to her friend, or if husband conveniently forgot the fact in talking to Hoochie. Either way, someone's not being completely honest here.

She wanted to know things about him in order to protect her friend. Has he ever been abusive? Is Hoochie "safe" with him? I hesitated a minute before answering her. I finally figured out what I wanted to say. The gist of it was that as much as I understood where she was coming from, my whole point in contacting her was to make sure that I was doing everything I could to protect my kids from an unknown person my husband has decided to introduce my kids to. I told Jane that I was going to trust Hoochie to be a big girl and do her own homework. If she had these concerns about him, she could take steps to find out the answers herself. I was being waaaaay more than accommodating, and I didn't feel any moral obligation to make sure Hoochie is in a good, secure relationship.

To give a little credit, Jane handled it really well, even laughing while she said, "Yeah, I see where you're coming from---I forgot who I was talking to."

I still don't love the thought of someone with the judgment Hoochie appears to have, being around my kids, but I did feel a little more reassured that she may not be an axe murderer.

Full speed ahead...

2009-07-23T18:38:00.000-07:00

(STBX= soon-to-be-ex)
New life, here we come.

This week has been a whirlwind. Between finding out about my STBX's new love, having her spend time with my kids before meeting her, finally meeting her, talking-yelling-hanging up on and being hung up on by STBX, meeting with my atty, nearly having a nervous breakdown, apartment/house hunting, and finally feeling somewhat sane again, this has been CHAOTIC.

After our meeting with my atty last night---he came too---STBX was so upset that his girlfriend decided to drive over and comfort him. Nonsexually, of course, since they are saving that for marriage. He is seething over me wanting a statement in our paperwork about no pornography in his home while our children are present. I understand his frustration. I'd be embarrassed too, but with my atty's help I'm not backing down. I did agree to accept in lieu of that statement, something from his therapist (you know, the one he HASN'T been going to in 5 months) speaking to his level of health and safety in regards to porn and "such". I am on the edge of my seat waiting to read what the therapist says......hehehehehe

He's pissed that I'm not 100% on board about his girlfriend even though they both admit that this is "crazy to the outside world"....my atty confirmed that for him by telling him that the court would probably look at a 2.5 WEEK relationship involving 6 children and heading toward marriage, and wonder what the heck she's running from and what the heck he's been smoking recently. I am not paying her enough. (Wait......yes I am)

My all-time favorite statement from my atty to STBX after he told her that he was eager for this to be over with was to say this: "You do realize that you must be legally UNmarried from your wife before you may legally marry your hoochie?" (Ok, she didn't say hoochie, but it was totally in her tone.) It was an honest question in light of his recent lapse in judgment.
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Later after the appointment with the atty, he called me at home to make sure I knew that he really really wanted us to all hold hands, sing Kum Ba Yah, and tongue kiss on occasion. Psych..just seein' if you're following. He is so intent on me being "okay" with this Right. Now. I don't get it, I can't explain it to him in words small enough for him to understand, and I'm more convinced than ever that he has some sort of brain damage in the part of the brain that controls, well, EVERYTHING.

I stated AGAIN that, for the LOVE of all that is right with the world, I also want to have a decent relationship with anyone who is involved with my children regularly. It's really just about timing and some of her questionable choices. The only way to really feel comfortable around a person is to see them in various situations over time and develop a sort of generalized opinion on their character and integrity. Everyone screws up and has a bad day, has a lapse in judgment, says something without thinking....grace can cover that when the bigger picture of this person shows that they are "mostly" kind and generous, "usually" thoughtful and careful, "almost always" considerate and cautious. When I have 3 days in which to form an opinion, it's going to be heavily influenced by those glaringly bad choices----there's not enough good yet to temper the Questionable.

Before the conversation ended he said he had to ask me something and he seemed nervous. My mind was a racing...."Dear God, they're having a baby together (or would that be another baby??) and they want me to be the Godmother."

I blurted out to him , "NO! I won't be in your wedding." Thankfully he got the humor and laughed a little. But I was still dying to know what he had to ask me. Finally, he said, "Do you think you might consider watching "The Baby" once in awhile when Girlfriend moves here?" Silence ensued as my heart stopped beating for a few seconds and the electrical activity in my brain ceased. Oh no you didn't....you did NOT just ask me to watch YOUR girlfriend's baby...the girlfriend who is leading you back to God and praying for direction on when to marry you even though you're actually--oh yeah, minor detail---STILL MARRIED??

Oh yes, he did.

I responded in an unnaturally calm voice that shocked even me, "I am not going to write it off in the future after this whole "awkward new relationship" thing gets ironed out. I love babies, and let's face it, this baby had nothing to do with you and his mother's poor judgment. But let me just say that for now, it's a solid and unwavering NO. "
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When I dropped my kids off this a.m .at his place, she was there with her baby---the one I'll be nannying in a few months, I basically dropped them off and left---I was nice and said hello to her before leaving. After my appointment I met them at the park.

There they were sitting on a park bench together side-by-side, his arm around her shoulder in an oh-so-loving way. *gag* And right there in front of them was Baby in his car seat cooing at them with admiration in his wee little eyes. A precious scene for sure. I approached them with a little trepidation. I happen to think I'm a pretty nice person, but it takes everything in me to not be a total bitch to this woman.

I sat down on the ground next to their bench, closest to her. We did the awkward-small-talk thing for a bit. I let her try and get the conversation going, not offering much on my part to make it go smoother. She needs to work for this relationship with me--I'm not going to hand it to her freely. She's going to make out like a bandit: eventually living in my house, gardening in my garden, and benefitting from money that I invested in this place.

As the conversation went on I told her that I had contacted her pastor (after getting her permission via STBX the night before) and asked him to be a character reference for me to assure me that she is someone I can feel confident having my kids around. The exchange between her pastor and I follows:

From Me:
Pastor,
I am writing in hopes that you will be a character reference for Hoochie Mama (heh). I met her last weekend after my soon-to-be-ex husband told me that he met her July 4th and they are now talking about getting married---a mere 19 days later. My husband and I have 2 young children. I am solely concerned for their safety and well-being, and I'm finding hard to completely trust the word and judgment of my husband based our history together, and Hoochie, whom I've only just met.

I got their permission to contact you, so they are aware of this inquiry.

I have some question about her judgment in regard to her children based on a couple of things that she and my husband have shared with me. I'm most interested in hearing from an "outside" source with nothing to gain or lose by telling the truth, who can reassure me that she is a person with decent character. Obviously, the fact that she and my husband have chosen to date despite the fact that he is "technically/legally" married isnt' something that supports her as being a woman of impeccable character. That being said, I also know that there is a very real possibility that she will be co-parenting my children occasionally, and I'd like to know as much as possible about her as a mother and person. My children have already been around her---against my wishes--this past weekend. She and my husband decided to not honor my request to meet her before my children did. I have some concern that she may choose to disregard my opinion in other matters pertaining to my children. Any information you can provide is appreciated.

His reply:
As far as I am concerned.....Your husband is still married to you and Hoochie should leave that alone. I will discuss this with her asap. Thank you!
Pastor

I did email back to clarify that my intention was not to "break up" Hoochie and STBX, because I thought it was beyond that, and that they really don't seem to care what people think of things because God is in control and all, but I still wanted to know about her to assuage my fears about having my children around a total stranger. I'm waiting to hear back from him.
__________________________________

As we were all there sitting in the park: my husband, his girlfriend, and me holding my husband's girlfriend's baby, an acquaintance from my job walked up with her kids. I said a quick hello and she came over and chatted for a few. After a minute she looked at me and said, "Now, is this YOUR baby? I didn't know you were expecting." I looked at my husband and his girlfriend and then looked back at this friend. I pointed to the girlfriend and said, "No, this is {turn and look at Hoochie with a confused look, many thoughts running through my mind on how this could play out} "HER" baby. That seemed to satisfy my acquaintance and she didnt' pursue it further. After she left I laughed ---maybe a tad maniacally---and said how utterly weird that was.

I got two blank looks in return.
God help me.

A note from my soon-to-be-ex

2009-07-17T14:23:00.000-07:00

Hey,

I am not sure what is going on with you. I know that you want to protect your kids. I also want to protect my kids. I would not do anything to put them in harms way. I want you to know who I am getting involved with so you can feel secure in your kids being safe. If you aren't secure, then it makes it hard for both of us, because there will be that tension between us that our kids will feel. I don't want that for our kids. I thought we were working on this together. ~~~~And I thought you had more sense than to subject our children to a virtually unknown (actually, I guess that's actually how you do know her---"virtually") person and expect me to be okay with it. I don't care who you date, have sex with, whatever, BUT I DO care about the influences in my children's lives, and I think that knowing a person for 13 days, spending one weekend and an overnight with her does NOT qualify her to be a driving force in their development.~~~

I don't really think that it is fair of you to judge this person who you have never even met and jump to conclusions on who she is as a person, a christian, a mother, or as a partner for me.~~~ If by "judging" you mean, "questioning" then yes, I'm doing that. I do not stand in judgement of her--how can I do that...I don't KNOW anything about her. What I do "question" is her judgement. A woman with 4 children (one being 2 months old), out of a bad relationship, dating a man who is still married does not seem to be a person with stellar judgement and impulse control.~~~~ She is a good person, with moral values. ~~~~I've heard Ted Bundy described similarly.~~~~ She is not just a believer in, but a follower of Christ. She belongs to a great foursquare church. I am not trying to be secretive about this person. She has nothing to hide and neither do I. Like I have shared before, we have shared all of our past experiences and problems. ~~~~I know this isn't very "Christian", but can I just call a BULLSHIT here? In 13 days you shared everything with her? You've held nothing back?~~~Both of us have screwed up in the past, but the past is not what we are today. God is amazing and he can change who we are.~~~God IS amazing, and he absolutely CAN change people by whatever means he wishes. I guess I just never thought of EHarmony (or whatever reputable site you met her on) as a tool of the Almighty God. Live and learn, I suppose.~~~~ I don't like throwing out that "God" thing, like my mom does all the time, in fact I can't stand it. I am not doing it in a shallow, right thing to say today, way though.~~~~ Past history clouds my vision here, my dear. You have proven yourself time and again to be little more than a shallow, zero-depth person hiding behind semantics and self-righteousness. I do hope this is genuine..time will tell. ~~~~Tina has shown me that God really does exist and can do great things in our life.~~~~ I must interject here that Tina has shown you Tina's version of God--the way we all do. Only God can truly reveal His character, grace and mercy. You don't need to have Tina show you the way to Him. He has been here all along; you just didn't want to listen to Him. ~~~~I am very sorry that I did not figure these things out long ago with you. Things may be different if I had.~~~~ (Ummm..you think?)~~~~~ I feel the need to be closer to God and to pray. This is not what you have seen of me and I know it is hard to swallow or believe. I know. I want to be, not as I was, but, who I can be. Tina is a great encouragement in that. She respects me for who I am, even knowing where I have been and what I have done, but also encourages me to be more than that, growing in my relationship with Christ. She is not perfect by any means either.~~~~ No, seriously? Because I see no red flags whatsoever....~~~~She grew up in the church. It sounds like her Christian experience growing up was not so stale as mine. She was always more on fire for God than I for sure. Then she married and had the 3 kids. She lived in that marriage for 11 yrs., always faithful to her husband who was disrespectful, abusive, and disloyal to her. She finally made the decision to get out of that relationship, for her sanity and for the kids sake. She lost her connection with God, wondering why he would allow this to happen to her.~~~~(it's called "Free Will")~~~~ Anyhow, she ended up with her little one, Johnny, but did not want the father to be there with the negative influence he would have on the little one. She decided, after she found out that she was pregnant that she has to get back to her strong foundation and back to serving God. She has been able to grow greatly in her faith and as a person because of these experiences that she has been involved in. ~~~~(Maybe she should read up that part of the Bible that talks about avoiding appearances of evil, and oh..the stuff about you know, not being with other people's spouses....really, her credibility is being diminished by her actions)~~~She really is a great person, but has unfortunately has made some bad choices and has been stuck in some bad situations. ~~~~And she is continuing to walk straight into another "tough" situation. At some point in our lives, we have to take some personal responsibility for OUR own choices. This, my friend, would not be one of her smart ones. ~~~~That doesn't mean that the person she was for a short time is who she is today. She is a very loving mother with some great kids. She loves kids by the way. You can see it in her face when she is around them.~~~~ Right...both times you've been around her. It's in sharp contrast, I'm sure, to the way I hate kids. ~~~~I don't want this whole thing to be a source of contention between us. It will just be harder on us and our kids if we are in disagreement and not willing to work with each other.
The real reason I am telling you these things about Tina and her life is so you can get a better feel for who she is and feel a sense of peace when our kids are around her and her family. I really want you to meet her to hopefully get to know her a bit more, but that is up to you. I know it is awkward. I know it is too fast. I know that from the outside, it makes no sense whatsoever. The connection we have is just different. Our communication style is the same, ~~~~(sooooo, you don't talk much,eh?) ~~~~we have the same sense of humor,~~~~ (non existent?)~~~~ we have the same likes and dislikes,~~~~(Likes: spending money excessively, lying at every turn, blaming others for shortcomings, and masturbating to hard porn? Dislikes: accountability, people who demand integrity, honesty)~~~~ she is drawing me closure to God, etc. You are wrong about her. We are NOT having sex. ~~~~(TMI, dude, TMI...your life, your business)~~~~~We don't want to make the same mistake we both made in the past having sex before marriage. We just enjoy being with each other. I drove over there on Tuesday night to help her the next day. She had to take her daughters to a dentist appointment, which has been scheduled for several weeks, but could not do it as she had a deadline for work that she had to turn in some reports for. I wanted to help her out. ~~~~(I have to SERIOUSLY question the intelligence of a woman who would entrust her 10 and 11 year old girls to a man she JUST met ONLINE....do you people not read the news? Pedophiles abound, and there are so many stories of online relationships going awry in fatal ways.....this alarms me tremendously.~~~~~ I didn't go over there for the wrong reasons like you may think. I wish we had this connection that I am feeling right now. We were both part of it not being there. ~~~~~(yes, yes...I knew there had to be something about me in here.....you couldn't just own your own stuff without making sure I know that I have issues too. I do.~~~~~~ It really would have been easier if we did have some common though. This seems weird, but I really wish you could find someone that you have a connection with, that you could trust, support, care for, like I have.~~~~ (I hope for that too, but I realize that I am a wounded person. I know that I need to spend time ALONE with God and find my value, strength and peace in Him before I have anything to bring to a new relationship. You'll be the first to know when I find Mr. Right)~~~~~You are a very good person. ~~~~~I actually think I am a pretty good person.--especially after I think of what I've put up with and how much I tried to make this marriage work over the years. ~~~~~You have many exceptional qualities. ~~~~~Sadly, I feel beaten down by the way you've treated me for almost 13 years. I'm not sure anymore what these qualities are or were.~~~~ You deserve to be taken care of. I am sorry that I did not do take care of you like I should have and that I hurt you so much. Will you please forgive me? ~~~~~Why does this feel like some sort of assignment from your 12 step leader...er, ah..."girlfriend"?

I want us to be able to work with each other and hopefully some day respect each other and our decisions. Will you try to do that with me? ~~~~(I am not sure I will ever have a great deal of "respect" for you, dear one, but I will have to learn to accept your decisions regardless of my agreement with them)

2009-07-17T05:01:00.000-07:00

"So the king asked me, 'Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill?

This can be nothing but sadness of heart"

(Nehemiah 2:2)

Yesterday nearly killed me. Never have I felt so low, so out of control of my world, so helpless to do what's best for my kids. He is talking marriage with a person he met online. It's a different person than he was going to invite to go along with he and the kids on the 4th of July.

He's very vague about when he met her. I assume it's so he won't catch himself in a lie. He has held to the notion that he has been above board in all things, so when I do the math and it doesn't add up he changes the rules of the game again.

I spoke with her on the phone yesterday. To call it awkward would be grossly misleading. I told her my feelings why I didn't want my kids to be around her and her family this weekend (because I don't think they need to be any part of this "courtship") and tried to appeal to her own sense of motherly obligation.

In return I got The History of Not-Yet-Ex-Husband's-Girlfriend's-Christian-Involvement-in-the-Church. Apparently knowing she is "Christian" and "helps with VBS"...oh, and that she has 4 children, the youngest of whom is 2 months old, is supposed to elevate her to Above Reproach status in my mind.

It doesn't.

But he's talking about marriage with her and they are "praying about what to do next". I've got a few suggestions of my own.

_____________________________

I am grieving for my kids. That they have to now vy for their father's attention with 4 other children and a girlfriend saddens me. This whole situation for them is brand new, raw, and I'm sure a little confusing. So, lets help that along by introducing a whole new family. Awesome.

_____________________________

Something I keep reading about sexual addicts----and I consider my husband to be one----is that they tell half truths---

Lying and Sneaking Around - Adulterers and sexual addicts are masters at using "weasel words" for legalistic evasion of being caught in a lie--telling just a little bit of technical truth to create a completely false impression. Then if they are caught, they harp on the little bit of technical truth to accuse their mate of not remembering correctly or misunderstanding. They also keep at their disposal a ready supply of accusations to hurl at a mate who gets too close to uncovering their secrets, i.e. "You're just jealous." "You're overreacting." "Everyone will think you're crazy if they hear you say that." "You just don't trust me." Etc. Etc.

(the above was taken off of his girlfriend's myspace page. she gave me permission to look at her site to see picture of who she and her kids are. Because you can totally tell from pictures the character and motive of people, right??)

I don't know what these two "adults" think they're doing. If it weren't for my children I'd say have a nice trip to Insanity and close the door with a smile. But because two little people are in the mix, and they are going to be impacted by this ridiculous decision, I feel helpless, hopeless, and so sad that I cannot shield them from the insanity of not only this world, but from their own flesh and blood.

slap in the face

2009-07-04T10:40:00.001-07:00

Last week when he invited me to watch fireworks with them (he and the kids) I quickly accepted, thinking what a nice gesture it was. A few days later I changed my mind, thinking that I really ought to let him start having his weekends with the kids, alone. I think I'm the one having the hard time.

I left town so as not to be tempted to butt in. Just as I arrived at my destination--5 hours away--, he texted me to say he recently ("about a week ago" was what he said, but that probably means 4-6 months ago) signed up for a "Christian" dating site and he met an "Older, well-grounded, Christian woman with grown children". He wanted to invite her to join the kids for fireworks since I "backed out" on him and he wanted to know my opinion even though he said "it really doesn't matter what you think anymore".

To say I was hurt and pissed would be the understatement of the flipping world. I think I probably had a mini stroke.

I called him immediately. He, of course, didn't answer his phone, but I left him a voicemail saying I thought it was extremely TACKY to invite a date along. I reminded him that we had talked about not exposing our kids to a revolving door of people---from either of us---and that we wouldn't introduce our kids to people unless it got to the point of being somewhat serious. BUT, if he chose to invite this unknown woman along anyways, I'd prefer that he not leave our children alone with her for any amount of time--not even 20 seconds to go grab a coke.

He texted me back immediately: "I'll do as you wish"......meaning what? You won't invite her or you won't leave our children unattended with her? I couldn't tell.

It ended up that he didn't bring her along. I don't know the details of why. I'm dying to know, but the truth is, it really isn't my business. And I can't stop him from doing anything...after July 21, I will have no say in anything he does.

weeds

2009-06-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

I just spent close to 2 hours weeding the yard. Except that after all that time and effort I spent, there was really no aesthetic benefit to be had. You see, the weeds had grown up on the back side of the berms that run the perimeter of our...er..my backyard.

I saw the tops of a few of them a couple days ago. They were nothing major, nothing that would immediately be spotted, nothing that detracted a whole lot from the rest of the yard. But they needed to be pulled.

When I got out there today and actually climbed onto the berm, well, that was a shocker. The backside of the slope was carpeted in weeds...thorny, pokey, puffy, cottony weeds. So I pulled and picked and said a few choice words along the way. They needed to come out----they'd grown far more than I'd realized.

I see a clear parallel here between the weeds on my berm and the goings on in my marriage. I was only seeing the tips of the weeds growing in my relationship. Things looked fairly good most of the time. I knew there were some issues that were ongoing. I thought we were doing okay pulling some of those figurative weeds by going to counseling. Thing is, counseling only works if you apply it....similar to the weed killer sitting in the garage; it's not doing it's job sitting on the shelf, is it?

I was sipping some mint tea---with a sprig of fresh mint from the garden---while sitting on the patio after my hard work. And although my hard work didn't make a huge difference from where I was sitting, the psychological difference was immense. I knew the weeds were gone. I knew the back of the slope was clear. I'm now aware that I need to check weekly instead of waiting 2 months now. I'll catch the weeds when they're small and haven't crept under the fence into the neighbor's yard.

There's a bigger lesson in here for me, I think.
_________________________________________

Lonely but not alone

2009-06-14T08:42:00.000-07:00

With R moved out, the house seems much different. The pile of laundry has shrunk considerably, even with a girl who changes clothing 40 times a day, and boy who puts anything that's out of place into the dirty clothes bin. Yes, it's official---he was a slob. I always suspected, but now it's confirmed.

There are other trivial things that seem different without him here. Things that make me seem like a helpless girl---having to take the garbage can and recycling bin out to the curb. Keeping the lawn watered, weeding the yard and garden. These are things I can easily handle, but they make his absence more apparent.

And the reality hits me again at how those things are really the 'biggies' I'm missing. And the wave of pathetic-ness washes over me as I see the level at which I functioned within my marriage for far too long. We weren't really "married", we were in a partnership----he hung the pictures on my walls straight, and I paid the bills and kept the house running. Void of passion and excitement, we simply coexisted.

The lonely I feel is not missing him specifically. I have been sad ---devastated---over the fact that he didn't pursue me. When he knew I was on the brink of "done-ness" and told him what it would take to keep me around, he chose to walk in a different direction. He didn't want to pursue me; I wasn't worth it.

Lately, I've been reminded of the One who has never stopped pursuing me--even when I ran in other directions. I've been running a long time. Sometimes I'd catch up with Him, embarrassed at how I had responded. I'd ask for forgiveness and repent for a time. Eventually I'd run again, ignoring his knocks, pretending I didn't hear His voice, looking the other direction.....

The lonely I feel seems to be that void I've allowed to grow in my heart by ignoring the calls and the pursuit of my God. He hasn't forsaken me, yet I've assumed I wasn't enough--in my crumbling marriage, my selfish desires, my undisciplined life...I assumed He wouldn't really want me until I had it figured out and packaged it a little neater.

When I have the house to myself, it's hard to ignore Him. I am lonely for my kids when they're gone (the whole 3 nights they've been away), but I think I'm finding myself even more lonely for Him....for the relationship I left by the wayside years ago.

at the core

2009-06-08T13:34:00.000-07:00

What people think of me doesn't change the reality of who I really am.

The lesson from today's session with Lynn could be summed up in that statement. It sounds so simplistic---like something we all teach our kids when they're feeling down and out. I still need to remind myself of this truth from time to time.

I was watching The Secret Life of Bees tonight. I hadn't heard much about it except the title, which intrigued me. I have a thing for bees. My name, in fact, means 'Honeybee' in Greek, so is there any wonder why I'm drawn to them? (from a distance that is...or admiring a Debbie Mumm drawing of a bee)

There's a part near the end where Lily runs out to her dad's truck to clarify one thing with him before he drives out of her life, perhaps forever. She needs to know if her mom had actually been coming back for her years ago. Dad had always told Lily that her mother didn't love her, didn't want her. Throughout her life Lily struggled with that. Vascillating, it seemed, between wanting to believe that her mom did, indeed, want her---and was coming back for her---, and the reality of the harsh words her dad spoke to her time and time again. When her dad finally admitted that, yes, her mom had been coming back for her, Lily asked him why he lied.

He said, "Because she wasn't coming back for me."

What a mind trip for a little girl. His selfishness caused her to doubt her place and worth in the world.

_____________________________________

For some reason that resonated with me. That feeling of being caught between what someone has continually told me over the years and what I so long to believe as the truth.

He is still speaking half truths about what has gone on. I don't blame him for not wanting to share the whole truth, and I don't even think it's anyone's business. Even so, I dislike that he's telling people that the reason we're not together is that

1) we're not compatible

2) I'm mad about some poor financial decisions of his.

Those might be supporting factors. The reality is different, but the conviction with which he shares these things has caused me to doubt reality more than once. Even so, what he says or thinks, does not change who I am---or the details of our failing marriage.

Lynn pointed out that he thinks I'm waiting for my soon-to-be-ex to validate all that I'm feeling. Initially I insisted that could not be further from the truth, but after thinking about it, he might, possibly be correct. Wouldn't it be nice if my Stbx would just say, "You know, you're totally right. I've done x, y, and z, and I can see exactly why we are in this place. You were right all along; I was just telling you something different because I didn't want to look like a schmuck. I wanted you to feel crazy and like this was all your fault."

Even if he never says that---never believes it---never admits anything close to that, it doesn't change the details of our situation. I am still the same person inside regardless of what people think of me. He is still the same person regardless of what people think of him, and our situation is still what it is even if people don't know the deep-down truth.

surreal

2009-06-04T13:13:00.000-07:00

He's moving stuff out today. His mom is supplying much of the furniture he'll be lacking. Life seems to be pretty darn good for him.

Or is it?

I'm trying to stiffle my feelings of jealousy.

How come it seems like some people can wander through life completely oblivious to the negative impact they have on others, their own irresponsibility, and the implications of staying in a teenage state of mind well into their 30's, and they seem to get rewarded for it?

Is this the part where I remember that my reward will be in heaven? Is it wrong for me to wish for an advance on that reward? A little something-something to hold me over until then....
__________________________

Lily's quotes

2009-06-02T21:15:00.000-07:00

Lynn (counselor above all) is my rock. Well, of course, God is, you know, THE Rock...but right now Lynn is a close second.

He is a good Sorter and Figure-Outer. I heart him in the totally-appropriate-for-a-client-to-heart-her-counselor way. He gave me a quote today by Lily Tomlin that is very good I think:

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”

I looked up more Lily quotes and found that she has quite the arsenal...made me laugh, and I do firmly believe that laugher is good medicine. So, let me share my drug of choice with you.

“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it”

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”

"Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.”

“Man (woman) invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”

“All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.

Now I see that I should have been more specific.”

another grrrr moment

2009-06-01T20:00:00.000-07:00

The fall out continues today. Phone calls, emails....to him from his mom mostly.

He is aggravated at her need to be so involved in "fixing" things. But he won't set a boundary for her. Instead, he's being victimized by her over involvement with no apparent recourse. I suggested he tell her to butt out. Nicely, of course, but still. She is staying involved because he is giving her bits and pieces to chew on.

His response to me was that he might "need" to share what MY part of the problem was in our marriage in order to show his family that I am not faultless. I urged him to do that, saying it was his right---and, gosh, maybe even his responsibility-- to do so. And then I asked him to clarify for me what MY issues were because I wanted to make sure we were both on the same page.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I'd like to share here. I have never wanted to imply or explicitly state that I have no responsibility in the demise of my marriage. I most certainly do. I have not been anything close to a perfect wife. I have failed miserably time and time again. I do stand firm in my belief that the big ticket issues that we've continued to struggle with over the years stem from his dishonesty, deception, addiction to porn which has escalated over the years, and his lack of repentance for some heavy choices he has made. .....

But I'm still not perfect.

These are the things that he said were MY issues:
-talking down to him ---I did this more than I care to admit. I am a quick thinker with a bent toward sarcasm....and I often struggle to reign in my tongue. Guilty as charged. Sadly, this came very easily to me, and when we were not getting along, my acerbic "wit" would be unleashed in a flash.

-belittling him----He told me often over the years, that he felt belittled by me. In the past I attempted to work on this, but found that I was really unclear on what he considered "belittling" to be. His perception of it encompassed many things that I didn't think constituted belitting. I've struggled to know what to do about this, although I've given up trying the last few months, obviously.

-with-holding sex--- It took me years to see this for what it is: sin. A year ago in February, after attending a Love and Respect conference, I felt like God opened my eyes to sexual withholding in marriage as being sinful. I confessed this to my husband, asked for forgiveness, which he gave. At the time, I explained that my withholding was the direct result of the dishonesty and deception he brought to our relationship. It wasn't to justify or excuse my sin, but to explain to him where this was stemming from. He seemed to understand when I explained that giving myself freely to someone whom I didn't trust was a huge challenge for me, but I question now if he really saw the correlation. And in the spirit of completely oversharing, let me state that the longest I withheld from him was almost a month. He claims it was closer to 3, but that isn't correct...but it probably felt like it.
____________________________

The bottom line in our marriage is really not that he has some big issues. It's that he won't repent of, seek help for, or even admit them. Today's conversation confirmed this for me: this is not a repentant man who wants God's best for himself or for anyone else. To complain that I have made him "look bad" and then want to turn around and do the same to me does not speak of a man whose heart is fixed on things above.

While I'm not proud of some of my actions ( or would that be "inaction" LOL) during my marriage, I can honestly say that I have received the forgiveness I sought when I realized how wrong I was. And I made attempts to change my behavior.
____________________________

I am hoping he choses to take the high road, of course. But if he feels compelled to share my sins with his family in the name of even-ing up the score, well, I hope they'll see it for the smokescreen that it is and not judge me too harshly.

the fall out

2009-06-01T01:09:00.000-07:00

Telling my children turned out to be rather uneventful. I told them the facts. The younger one didn't really tune in...not sure she is able to comprehend it at this age anyway until the day when Dad actually physically moves out. My son seemed to understand it...he seemed a little disinterested. Not quite what I was expecting. I willed myself to say a few specific things and then wait for him to ask questions instead of just rambling incessantly. He didn't need clarification, so I'm letting it ride, fully expecting the questions to trickle in after he has had time to process it.

I stuck with the basic points:
-mom and dad are getting a divorce
-that means we won't be married anymore, and we won't live in the same house
-we'll always be Mom and Dad even though we're not married...
-kind of like "Joe's" parents
-we love you so much
-we will always be here for you
-we will always love you and take care of you
-we will always keep you safe

___________________________________

Meanwhile..
A flurry of emails has been traveling around between various family members---on his side. Surprisingly, his mom hasn't contacted me yet. I thought she would have. I vascillate between being relieved and insulted. (I'm such a girl)

A sister-in-law sent us both an email explaining, from her point of view, the impact of divorce on children. She was 26 when her parents split, but is still reeling from it, apparently, at the age of 50. (That wasn't stated in a belittling way, honestly. I don't doubt her grief and sadness one bit. I just don't understand how her completely different situation has anything to do with ours--other than the fact that our children will be impacted by this. )

I wrote a response to her letter, but I'm not convinced I will send it. I don't wish to add fodder to the banter going back and forth, and I dislike the idea of having something in written form for people to dissect and debate. (yes, that's somewhat laughable considering this is a blog...on the web) On the other hand, perhaps having my thoughts would bring some clarity to their hurting hearts. I'm not sure.

The letter---and the phone calls that my STBX has told me about---hurt a bit. They explicitly say that we need to pray and think and seek counsel before making a decision of this magnitude. They are correct, of course, but they don't understand 1. the real issues here 2. the length of time we've been dealing with them , or 3. the amount of prayer, thought, and counsel that has already gone into this decision.

I know that I cannot read the email without feeling defensive, however, I also feel sad that some of what was stated in the letter---and said on the phone---without knowing facts, is basically, "get over it", "work it out", "we know best". It's the classic "Sweep and Smile"----sweep things under the rug and smile like nothing's wrong. I sort of wish I could get some points for the years I've done the Sweep and Smile. I am quite good at it, I'm just opting not to play anymore.

Another tough pill to swallow is the undeniable fact of how little his family has participated in our life, and yet, they are comfortable giving unsolicited advice. We, literally, haven't seen or spoken to his brother/sister-in-law since Christmas. At that time, there was no outward evidence of anything awry in our union, although we had been considering options for 4+ months. His parents have been over about 3 times since Christmas. I don't say this to imply that we have called and begged for them to visit, or that we resent their limited contact, but rather to show the actual relationship we share with them....distant at best.
__________________________________________________

Lynn, my counselor, is going to have a lot of "stuff" to help me sort through on Tuesday. And my guess is that one thing he is going to say to me is this: "You can't control their response."

And my job will be to listen to him.

telling and showing

2009-05-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

This weekend we're telling our kids about the divorce. I believe this will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Not being the "product of divorce", I have no idea what a person might feel when his parents tell him they are splitting up. Will this be one of those defining moments in his life? A moment that will bring tears to his eyes over the years as he explains time and time again, "My dad doesn't live here anymore." Will he spend hours of his life on a therapist's couch because of this moment and the resulting path his life takes?
________________________________

I got a phone call from a friend today. A friend who heard from a friend of a friend of a friend------that we are getting divorced. The big problem with this is one of the "friends" happens to be a cousin of my soon-to-be-ex. And she lives across the street from his parents. Who do not know yet. On a good day she's got the biggest mouth in the county...when there's "juicy news", well, that travels at warp speed.

My blood pressure shot up for a moment. Then reality hit: word IS going to get out. I've been thinking for a time now that he should probably tell them. Perhaps this is just evidence of God's perfect timing--a nudge of sorts.

So, he called his mom and told her. I'm relieved and anxious. So glad it's "out". Anxious about what the knowledge of our impending divorce will mean for some family members. I'm determined to let them react how they need to---and to understand the place they're coming from. Most will assume this is a snap decision, not realizing the months and years of counseling we've walked through, not knowing the real issues at the heart of this divorce. There is loss for them as well that may cloud their view of the situation. It's very easy to hear the word divorce and make broad, sweeping assumptions about the parties involved.
______________________________

Then comes the hard part---showing them love. Maybe not in the hugging sort of way that was once acceptable, but in the real, human, this-sucks-but-it-is-our-new-normal kind of way. I can be bitter, defensive, passive-aggressive, bitchy...I'm actually quite good at all of those, but I'm not so good at loving my enemies. And I fear some of them are going to cross the line into that camp.

one step closer.

2009-05-18T20:10:00.001-07:00

Appointment with the attorney tomorrow...finally. I'm not sure what's it's about, other than, you know, the obvious thing. Not sure if it's just to look over the paperwork before it is presented to "him", or something else. I'm just eager to get through this.

Last night my husband and I had a lengthy talk about "Things". He wanted to know MY plan.

Me: Uh....well, the big plan is to divorce you. The next thing on my list is to stop doubting myself and my decision making ability. Third thing....umm...perhaps I'll buy a kayak. You?

He got a little snippy with me after that, which made it a little bit fun if I'm being completely honest here.

I told him he needed to find another place to live. I don't think this arrangement is good now that we know reconciliation is not a possibility. I'd like to, you know, sleep in an actual bed again sometime. He is resisting looking for an apartment or house. He makes 3rd grade excuses..."Well, I can't look NOW because then I'll find something I like and I won't be able to get it." "I HAVE to have a garage and there's nothing with a garage." I suggested he call the property management places and let them know when he'd like to move and what he's looking for so they can be keeping an eye out for him. Geez....is it THAT hard to figure this out? You can concoct a grand plan to deceive me, ruin your children's future, and rebuild an entire car engine out of silly putty and a rubber band, but dialing the phone didn't occur to you???

He wants to wait to move out until the end of August. Right as school is starting. You know, to add even more stress to an already stressful time of year......lets throw our kids into ANOTHER tailspin right as we shove them out the door to school and daycare again----after I've been home for 10 weeks with them. Perfect plan---now, why didn't I think of that?

I got him to agree to the end of June---or immediately IF the right place comes open---as move out date. That would give us all time to adjust to life apart while we have downtime to deal with things.

I think he's finally going to tell his family. His parents and brother were in town today and took him to lunch. He's dragging his feet on telling them. Understandable to a certain degree---this is hard news to break. But, I keep reminding him that it could, quite possibly, be in the newspaper (which his parents subscribe to) in the next few weeks, and that would be a horrible way to find out about your son's marriage. I asked that he tell me when he talks to them so I can be prepared...because his mother WILL call me. I'm certain. And, she will probably go into overdrive in spoiling our children materially to make up for the damage we're doing. So, that will be loads of fun to undo.. Yay. I'm counting on them to behave exactly like he is lately and become "Super Grandparents"....doing everything and wanting to be involved in every aspect of their lives even though they've been mostly "fringe" for months and months.

I have been working on a letter that I'm not sure I'll ever send to her..to them. But it covers different things like what they are okay to talk to our kids about and what they are not welcome to say. Maybe it's more for me to feel like I'm actually in control of what my children may hear.

Life

2009-05-12T20:47:00.000-07:00

Life is a blister on top of a tumour, and a boil on top of that.

Sholom Aleichem

I laughed hard when I read it before the sobering realization hit. I've sort of been subscribing to this school of thought. gulp. You can imagine how great it has been to be around me. Delightful.

_____________________________

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams. ~Ashley Smith

Ahhh....that's better.

time

2009-05-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

After experiencing waves of sadness last night, today seemed very normal. Midday I was feeling some sense of, "Wow, I'm really getting through this thing finally", when I realized that it had scarcely been 12 hours since I had been perusing the pharmaceutical websites to consider if I may need their help.

Minutes go by like hours, and days pass like months. A strange sort of time warp for sure. Probably evidence of the emotional roller coaster I am presently riding.

15 years ago I lived in a really rainy region of the country. Most days were gray with at least some precipitation. Often there was an all out downpour. When the sun actually showed up, people came out in droves to soak it up. All too soon the sun would be drowned out--literally--by more gray and soggy weather, and we'd be telling fond stories of the good ol' days when the sun shined for 8 solid hours. Within a half hour of the clouds rolling in, it already felt like ages since the sun had been there.

I'm living in that time warp. (and I need to find a different analogy-the storm/weather stuff is getting old)

tomorrow

2009-05-10T00:29:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks 90 days since I filed. I'm not sure what actually happens next. Will fireworks go off spontaneously to mark the occasion? Is a handshake appropriate? A hug, perhaps?

My attorney has been busy, apparently. A couple of unreturned phone calls are making me wonder what's going on. Not being an expert on how to dissolve something that was supposed to last forever, I'm confused about "where" we are now....

I do know that I am stuck in a rut. Living in a house with a man who is very good at pretending, so much so that I find myself questioning his every action because I don't know what's underneath. Manipulation? Killing me with kindness? Or could it be genuine? We're both polite and neutral to each other---or as close to polite and neutral as possible.

Bitter creeps out a little. I don't mean for it to, but it's very sneaky.

I'm weary. I've been holding my breath for months now.... I can tell the air is running out, but I still can't see the surface. I hope I make it.

I've been trying so hard to find the silver lining. It's not easy. My new normal leans toward the negative and cynical. Being already gifted in the fine art of sarcasm, it's hard to not completely succumb to the dark side.

~~~

This might hurt, it's not safe,

but I know that I've got to make a change

I don't care if I break; at least I'll be feeling something

'Cause "just okay" is not enough

help me fight through the nothingness of Life

~~~

No regrets, not this time

gonna let my heart defeat my mind

let your love make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something

~~~

These are the words of the day; the "something" that gave me pause and made me stop and breathe...and just 'be' for a few minutes. I took them out of the context of the song and applied them to my life now, and it fits. The nothingness of Life...I'm there.

____________________________________

blue

2009-05-08T23:22:00.000-07:00

Blue is the color I feel most days. Or gray.

I'm sad.

I mentally turn around and around---like a dog trying to find the perfect place to lay down and sleep---never quite getting it right. I analyze every facet of my situation in a feeble, and unsuccessful, attempt at dulling the pain. The chianti helped a little tonight, but I'm still sad.

I don't think I can bypass the hurt and the sadness. I think have to walk through it.

And I'm scared I'll come out on the other side scarred beyond recognition.

The blue-gray sad washes over me again.

I think inside every woman there's still a little girl hoping that somewhere there really is a prince on a white horse coming for her. Coming to rescue her. Coming to sweep her off her feet. Coming to love her unconditionally forever....happily ever after, that is.

I traded in happily ever after for "hopefully" ever after, knowing full well that I had no business marrying him. I think we only made it this long because I held on to that fairy tale about the white horse and prince showing up.......mine missed the turn. Maybe he didn't ask for directions.

What makes me most sad is to recognize that my sadness isn't specifically because of missing him...I don't want him in his unhealthy, sinful, unrepentant state. I'm sad because I just spent more than 12 years with a man who chose airbrushed pixels over real-life flesh and blood. He knew the things that could hurt me the most---and he did them anyway.

This is my anthem---my song of hope. I've got to believe there's hope but I'm terrified this is all there is.

When my life is like a storm

Rising waters --all I want is the shore

you say I'll be okay

and make it through the rain

You are my shelter from the storm

(the blue-gray raging storm)

karma

2009-05-05T22:23:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day.

-The sun was out and showing its face. The sky was bluer than blue. When I drove up the valley to a friend's house this afternoon it almost took my breath away---I live in such a beautiful place.

-I realized, after much calculating and figuring, that I CAN afford the house. So the plan is for the kids and I to be here and for him to find an apartment in June. I can live with that.

-The house was shown twice this week. No offers, but it was still encouraging. Praying that our awesome backyard wowed someone....and praying for a bidding war. I serve a big God, so it could happen.

_________________________________________________

He came home from the weekend festival and said, "I had a bad day." I was unclear about how he could have a bad day when the entire day was spent surrounded by the one thing in the world he loves the most: The Hobby. He proceeded to tell me how he had crashed the 3K "something-something" he had JUST purchased a month or so ago. It's damaged beyond repair.

I tried not to smirk, but I wasn't successful. I said in my calmest, most even voice..."I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere.....maybe you can find it while you're paying 18% interest on that pile of junk sitting in the dumpster."

I think that's called Karma.

bitter cup

2009-05-02T20:26:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday we listed the house. The sign was placed in the yard. Neighbors wondered.

No high hopes for a quick sale. Reality says this will be a long shot.

It's 6 days later and we had a showing. Tuesday we have another. Do I dare to hope it sells, or do I hope it doesn't so the kids and I can stay put for awhile?

I hate limbo. I don't like being still. Is this my penance for all the times I rushed things?
_______________________________

The kids are with him tonight. They're camping out, eating junk food, watching movies. I'm curled up on the couch, watching The Notebook for the 876th time. I finally have time to myself, and now I'm lonely.

My mind is racing again. More what-ifs. More should-I's. More uncertainty and wondering at what life will look like when the storm settles. It will never look the same. I don't think it'll ever feel the same either.

I know too well the realities of life now. I'm in that transistional period like when I was 9 and I figured out Santa wasn't real. I just "knew" he couldn't be real. I could rationalize it in my head, but it still hurt. A layer of pastel fantasy melted away, and in its place was the harsh acrylic texture of Reality. Life went on, but it was a little dimmer.

I know that people survive this thing called "Dissolution of Marriage". I can't help but feel that some bright and beautiful piece of the picture of my Life has been wiped away by the harsh realities I face. I can't go back to that innocent idea of Til Death Do Us Part.
_______________________________________

Opening a bottle of wine, I search for a glass, hoping to come up with something more suitable than a coffee mug.

The first wine glass I found was from our wedding set, unless you count the Arby's stemware with the chipped edges and rubbed off gold-leaf around the rim. There was the Mikasa stemware I remember picking out with him more than 12 years ago. Understated elegance was what drew me to them in the first place.

These glasses were to be a symbol of the most important day in our lives. They, simply by their place in our wedding day, would be ordinary objects, sanctified. And every time we drank from them we'd be reminded of that day. Or so the fairytale said.....

But tonight I toast myself. Alone. I drink the 2007 Cab and taste more of the bitter than the sweet.

one step at a time

2009-04-30T16:31:00.000-07:00

I got an email the other day. At the bottom was the riddle.."How do you eat an elephant?" (One bite at a time)

Point well taken. This is definitely a process, and I have to quit getting so stressed out about being "in the middle of" it. I so want to be through it and starting to heal. Maybe divorce, like love, is something you can't hurry. Am I right, Phil Collins?

A long time ago a friend and were talking about our marriages. During the course of that conversation she said, "How sick were we that we married people like them?" It wasn't meant as a critique of them so much as a reality check for us. WE, in our state of mind at the time, chose them---thinking we would be better people with them than without. I'm not sure I thought that. I was just not wanting to be the last person on the planet not married. My track record with relationships wasn't the best, and I just "knew" that this Christian Boy was going to make my life complete. I was partially right---he has helped make it a complete mess.

I still agonize daily about things. Should I just "get over it" like he keeps suggesting? What would that mean if I did just let things slide? And then I see how that would only prolong the inevitable. I've done the getting over, the ignoring. I've overlooked when I should have demanded answers. I turned a blind eye only to get burned a few months down the road. I've listened to him justify, rationalize, blame. I've taken on part of a burden that is his alone. I'm tired. The ball is in his court and he's choosing to keep it there.

I have to keep telling myself that all I did was expose what he was doing. I am just drawing the proverbial line in the sand and saying, "This is not okay anymore". He is choosing to keep surrounding himself with the muck he's entrenched in. He's got an uncanny way of making me believe that his junk is my fault. I know that it's not....I can not be thin enough, nice enough, pretty enough, smart enough, slutty enough, supportive enough, perfect enough...it's not about me.

A friend who also went through a divorce told me that thoughts are like a hurricane in your mind. That is so true. I can't control the thoughts; they just happen. The torrent of "What Ifs" and "I Should Haves" rain down so heavily sometimes that I fear I'll be swept into a flood so strong I won't be able to swim against the current. I just hope, most days, to keep my head above water...

Once again, music rescues my soul. It quiets the storm for me, and allows a reprieve from the constant downpour....

injustice

2009-04-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

The feelings I have had lately about the whole "situation" (if we call it that, it hardly sounds as heart-wrenching as it really is) orbit around "injustice" "iniquity"....

There is not going to be the gentle way through this "ordeal" that I originally thought--or stupidly hoped---there might be. I will get nothing out of the house. WE will get nothing out of the house. The best case scenario is that I will not have to pay thousands of dollars for someone else to start inhabiting it. It's ugly, discouraging, unfair.

My husband's irresponsibility will continue to affect me long after his daily presence in my life is gone. It feels a bit like I'm being punished for trying to stand by my man for about 6 years too many. It's not fair.

He continues to spend---even more since my last post. He is still rationalizing his spending, more concerned about defending what he is doing than recognizing it for the problem that it is. Any discussion I have with him leaves me feeling even more concern for who this man is. He's become a spin doctor, turning obvious, rational thoughts into nonsense. He's like an alcoholic working in a liquor store---surrounding himself with those things he's most tempted by, denying the pull they really have on him. He's the captain of the ship gone crazy, and we're all going down with the vessel in which he made the holes.
_____________________________________

I was reminded this week about another man. A man I've had a relationship with on and off for the better part of 19 years. He willingly took on the mistakes of others. He didn't take on the same pissy attitude that I'm quite fond of sporting these days. He did it, knowing it would be for the greater good. It was unfair. It was ugly. He didn't deserve it either.

And that's my hope. The little thing I'm clinging to. When life seems to be business as usual for everyone around me, and I feel like the fragile girl who's living on the edge of a breakdown, trying not to look anyone directly in the eye for fear of the torrent of tears that might escape, I'm remembering this guy. And the fact that it's not about money. It's not about stuff. It's not about the couch or the armoire (even though I really want the armoire)....it's about the greater good, which I know sounds weird in light of this fatal "situation". When the dust finally settles--and people tell me it will----I don't want to add "rebuilding all the relationships I ruined because I was so bitter"(especially with my kids) to the list of things needing to be done. I'd rather focus on my kids' well-being and learn how to relate to each other (crazy Captain included) in our new roles.

So I'm going to take a cue from this Other Man in my life. I'm going to start making this about showing my kids the way to Grace---and hoping I find the way there in the process.

confirmation

2009-04-13T18:47:00.000-07:00

This morning before I headed to work, he got up and wanted to talk. I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going to want to make this work somehow. I know that IF he does repent, I'll have no other choice but to give him another chance. I have prayed that he would repent, that I'd be given a sign that what I'm doing is right or wrong, that I'd know without a doubt that, as hard as this decision is, it's the right one.

Instead, he shared with me that less than a month ago he spent about 3K on another something-something for his hobby. Essentially, he bought another toy. But it gets worse.....

He apparently spent the better part of the last few weeks hiding this toy from people in his club because one of his friends has a connection with one of my friends. And he didn't want word to get back to me about his purchase. He has been storing---or hiding, depending on how you look at it---his toy at a friend's house, and he admitted to having concocted a story about how it was really Friend's toy...in case I should happen to find out and ask. These friends, by the way, are the people he associates with most. The high morals are clearly abounding in this group. Well, that's not entirely fair of me...there was the one friend. The one friend whose house was the storage area for the toy...this guy finally told my husband that he could store the toy, but that he was not willing to lie about it to anyone. Wow..you'd be hard-pressed to find a man with such high moral standards and convictions.

The amount of energy he spent covering his ass was quite impressive. Especially considering that most days he doesn't have enough energy to hang up his towel after showering. Fascinating.

In that moment, I had several emotions coursing through my mind----anger, followed by disbelief. Throw in some downright pissed-off-ness, and finish it off with a sprinkle of .....relief.

Yes, relief. As I listened to my husband tell me this story I heard all the usual phrases. But I didn't hear any plan to get help. I fear for where his un-treated addictive behavior will lead him. But I'm relieved that I'm not missing the mark here. To stay with this man would only mean years of more pornography addiction, more over-spending that jeopardizes our children's future, more lies, more deception, and more feeling like it's me...that if I would just do something else, something more, I'd fix our problems.

I think this is the deciding factor on whether I'm going to hire an attorney or just figure this out with him.....I don't trust him as far as I can see him.

paralyzed

2009-04-02T20:30:00.000-07:00

I went to the park the other morning to walk on the trail. As I got out of my car to start, I found myself struck with fear. I'm not exactly sure what I was fearful of, but I almost got back in my car.

I pressed on instead, needing to be out and moving, even if the weather was more like a frigid mid-winter day than the early spring day that it should be. As I continued to walk, feeling less scared with each step, I thought to myself, "This is what it's going to be like from here on out."

I'm on my own. I will have to do things by myself and for myself. It was sort of pitiful, actually.

I can't remember the last time he walked with me. The last time he did something that I wanted to do. The last time he participated in something that wasn't all about him. So, how weird for me to feel this tremendous sense of loss...is this one of those 'Stages of Grief' things, where I'm just grieving the things that could have been?

Looking back, I think I've given up many of the things that made me "Me". I know everyone says this when they divorce. I didn't think I was giving them up at the time, I just saw it as how our life was progressing together, but the more I look to find out who I really am and what I'm really all about, the more I see how I faded into the background quite often.

And I did it willingly. I don't want to blame this on him. He never forced me to give up myself. I chose to let some things go because it wasn't worth the battle. In some ways I am looking forward to reclaiming a bit of myself again. I'm not sure how, or when the right time will be, but it's a little bright spot in all of this darkness.

-entertaining people on the spur of the moment...even if it's just soup and salad
-reaching out to "fringe" people in my life--people I'd like to know better, but rarely had/made time for
-watching some old movies he would never sit through
-reading through a growing book list when my kids are with him on his weekends
-eating at restaurants that he'd either 1) refuse to eat at because of his narrow tastes 2) complain about how expensive they were
-drinking my favorite wine regularly (at home)---actually, figuring out what my favorite wine is...
-really enjoying my kids without the worry of "bothering dad" with our noise or mess or whatever
-taking guitar lessons--because that's the official "I'm divorced and coping with it" activity
-hiking without feeling like I'm racing with him and then having him criticize how I walked so slowly and point out what I should do differently next time.
--Enjoying The Journey...at my pace, with people I love.

video

2009-03-31T13:07:00.000-07:00

My husband called to ask me what "my plan" is. For the zillionth time I told him what "our" plan was, reminding him of the many conversations "we" have had over the last several months that got us to this point. He is some big denial, if you ask me. Even after this has been talked about, mulled over, discussed to the point of bursting a vein, confirmed, amended, and almost-finalized, he is still playing dumb.

The first few months of this Beginning-of-the-End phase we're in, I would almost daily tell him what I needed from him in order to proceed with our relationship as a married couple. He would ask--I wouldn't just offer my advice unsolicited. It always involved repentance in some form. Inevitably, he would ask ---after I had just spent time explaining things from my point of view---"What do you mean?". Oft times he would simply walk away, seemingly frustrated that I had imposed requirements on him at all. Sometimes he would start doing nice things or using a nicer tone of voice. The thing he has completely avoided these months, is making any sort of effort at repenting. He is doing unrelated things---being nice, doing the dishes---to try and "make up for it".

He has apologized. The first apologies came with that unmistakable tone of a tantrum-throwing toddler. The words may have been the right ones, but the delivery negated all authenticity. But he continued to do as he wanted.

I saw this today and, for some reason, it just resonated with me. Especially around the 2:00 mark....it's, of course, not talking about personal relationships, but some of the money (mis) management this guy is mentioning rings true in my little corner of the world. Funny stuff. It's good to laugh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94lW6Y4tBXs

taking care

2009-03-30T20:10:00.001-07:00

I don't want to become that Bitter Woman. You know who I'm talking about. The Woman who everyone cringes at when they see her because they never know what caustic words will come out of her mouth toward any unsuspecting man within earshot. Or every happy woman who compliments her husband, or every couples event the church plans, or anyone who has happiness about any sort of relationship in their life.

It's easy to dislike Her. The hard part, I'm realizing, is that I think it's probably quite easy to become Her.

I play mental ping-pong quite often these days. Berating myself for the times I trusted him; the many times I entrusted him with things of value in our life; the times I didn't question when I wanted to-or should have; the times we just moved on when I had this feeling of unrest. I should've listened to my heart, my gut, the Holy Spirit--whatever it was. I should've listened to it more. I thought that wasn't correct, or loving. I thought that I needed to show him I trusted him, which I interpreted as just doing what he wanted. And even though reading that makes me sound like Mrs. Milquetoast, I don't think I would characterize myself as spineless.

I had a voice in our marriage. Well, I had a voice in the sense that I spoke my mind. Looking back, that's all it was. Remember that philosophical question, "If a tree falls in the forest when no one is around, does it still make noise?"...or something like that. That question for me might be, "If the Mrs. speaks her mind and is not afraid to tell you exactly what she thinks, but you're too consumed with yourself and so mentally checked out that you can't decipher the words she's saying, do you still have to take them into account when making decisions that affect her?" I sometimes think I have probably been like that Far Side comic to him over the years---the one where the guy is talking to his dog, but all she hears is, "blahblahblahblah Ginger, blahblahblahblah Ginger".

I just heard the Bitterness.

I want to get over this hump. I'd like to be past this painful part of the process, but I'm not sure there's a way to fast forward through the hurt. Part of the hurt is recognizing how wounded I was--and am.

Weekly counseling is, no doubt, helping this, but truthfully, it's also unearthing a whole lot more garbage than I knew was there. I seem to have a Pavlovian response to walking into my counselor's office, but instead of salivating I tear up. Every raw emotion moves to the surface, and I either pour it out, using up every available kleenex in his office, or I try and intellectualize it and just talk around it. Some days he lets me intellectualize it. I know he knows I'm doing it--that I can't handle going there emotionally just then. Other days he pushes me to just trudge through it. So I do...crying copious amounts of tears in the process. I wish I could have known myself this well 12 years ago. I wonder if it would have made a difference.

If had been this strong a person--not a man-basher, but just a girl who knew herself well enough, and trusted herself enough to expect more---to demand more, I wonder if I would've married him in the first place.

The funny thing---not "haha" funny----is that I think all I really wanted was to be taken care of. I never felt taken care of...my parents weren't the nurturing type. They took care of needs, yes, but they didn't take care of the person I am. In more than 12 years of marriage, I don't know that I can think of a time when I felt taken care of. Not trying to be pitiful here, I'm just being honest. The thing I longed for most, the thing I needed most from my marriage Never. Even. Happened.

arrrggghhhh

2009-03-25T00:34:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how people can divorce amicably--or is it amiably? Or do they mean the same thing? Nicely. How can people divorce nicely. I wanted to be someone who did this well since I, apparently, am not great at the being married part.

I told my husband that I went to the attorney's office and that I have an appointment schedule in a couple weeks to get the paperwork done. He was immediately mad. "Why are you doing this to me? Why do you need to see one of THOSE people who are just out to keep your money? If you do this there is NO way we can get along well after it's over."

I asked if he was threatening me because it sounded awfully threat-ish. He said that I was the one threatening him by hiring someone who was going to go after him. Really? Does it just automatically mean that if someone hires an attorney that it's a big fight? With threats? I don't believe so. I want to hire an attorney so that we can be certain that our paperwork is legal and complete. I also want to have someone look over how we've decided to split up our assets (and I use the term loosely) and help us decide a few things we can't seem to agree upon.

We "discussed" things for awhile. Both of us putting our own spin on things. Both of us not seeing the other's point of view. I thought this might be a good illustration of why we do, indeed, need someone to help us figure things out. He started in on his non-sensical argument again.

His thinking scares me. I'm really not being dramatic...it scares me that a real live person--whom I've lived with for more than 12 years----can truly think the way he thinks about things. His financial irresponsibility baffles me the most. I cannot even type my frustrations because I'm certain a huge ulcer will form in my stomach and burst because of the stress I have just thinking about it. Dramatic, no?

I can't decide if it's wrong of me to want legal counsel. I don't personally perceive attorneys as something threatening. I invited him to come the meeting if he wanted, but reminded him that she would be acting as my counsel. To which he got upset again, saying something about "Exactly, that's what I mean about those attorneys!" What? I even asked him when he had had such negative experiences with attorneys because I could not recall a single time in our history where an attorney even played a part. He said he had heard of many, many, many stories where things were fine with people (who were filing for divorce), but as soon as an attorney was hired it all went downhill. (I did NOT mention that the obvious lack of credibility stems from the fact that most people are not "fine" when they file for divorce. There's usually something else going on that's the real problem, and that the attorney-hiring doesn't just spontaneously cause a relationship to go from "fine" to "divorce") I'm not sure if these are real life people or his imaginary friends, but their stories have clearly impacted him greatly.

Obviously, my trust in this man is at an all-time low. So, it's hard for me to believe that he really wants to sit down and work this out, but I said I'd be willing to try. There are a few weeks before my appointment, I can cancel if needed, or we can talk and then I can still have the attorney look it over for me. Right?

moving things along

2009-03-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

Today I made an appointment to hire the attorney whom I consulted with a couple months ago. The receptionist had me come pick up a packet of information to work on and complete before our actual appointment in 3 weeks. I have to wonder if the sheer volume of paperwork---much of it repetitive---has ever deterred anyone from following through on their dissolution. Perhaps that's part of the idea in having so many forms to fill out with redundant information?

As I'm thumbing through it all, most of it financial information, it hits me how the last 16 years of being in the work force boils down to a few numbers on a page. Assets and debts. Children and property. He gets/ she gets.

My eyes blur as I start thinking about the bottom line. As in---making life count, not having a lot of stuff. There has to be more. I wish, honestly, there was going to be more material stuff. Maybe I shouldn't admit that, but it's true. I'd love to walk away from this able to fully furnish a home for my children and I. More than that, I wish---no, I hope--that at the very least, I can walk away remembering the true bottom line.

Today I watched in silence as people passed me by,

And I strained to see if there was something hidden in their eyes;

But they all looked at me as if to sayLife just goes on.

The old familiar story told in different ways,

Make the most of your own journey from the cradle to the grave;

Dream your dreams tomorrow because todayLife must go on.

CHORUS

But there’s more to this life than living and dying,

More than just trying to make it through the day;

More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,

And there’s more than this life alone can be.

Tonight he lies in silence staring into space,

And looks for ways to make tomorrow better than today,

But in the morning light it looks the same;

Life just goes on.

He takes care of his family,

he takes care of his work,

And every Sunday morning he takes his place at the church;

And somehow he still feels a need to search,

But life just goes on.

(chorus)

So where do we start to find every part

Of what makes this life complete;

If we turn our eyes to Jesus we’ll find

Life’s true beginning is there at the cross where

He died.He died to bring us . . .(chorus)

Steven Curtis Chapman

selective hearing

2009-03-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

The first time I met him I went in there alone. I'd reached a place in my marriage where I just didn't know what to do. I'd been telling my husband that things weren't working; we weren't connecting. He disagreed, which was the way this script played out in our relationship, so I made the decision to see this counselor on my own, hoping that I could at least learn how to be married to someone I didn't know at all and to someone who seemed perfectly ok with the idea that his wife was extremely unhappy.

On my very first meeting with the counselor I spilled everything. The good, the bad, the ugly, the really really ugly---about my husband and myself. About how our marriage just never seems to be going in the right direction. About the desperation I felt---and had felt for years---and I didn't know how to make this work if my husband didn't pick up some of the burden and help. How do you pull a train uphill by yourself?

My husband decided to come after my first session. In his own words he wanted to "defend himself" against what I'm sure he considered to be slanderous accusations against him. So he came. He sat. He listened. I don't know that he ever engaged, though. But he kept coming---WE kept coming for nearly 2 years.

I listened to the counselor tell me how great it was that my husband was even here----because "most" wives have to drag their husbands in kicking and screaming. I listened to him tell me how great a guy my husband was. That he "has a good heart" and really wants to make this work although there was no behavioral evidence to support these notions. I listened. I attempted (though not always cheerfully) to follow through on the practical application part of our sessions. Like the time when I was told that I needed to write down everything during the day that I wanted to talk with my husband about, and when he got home from work and was ready, HE could decide which 2 or 3 things to talk about from my list.

I really tried that. For 2 days. This exercise was something my husband thought was great---it exempted him from engaging in our whole life. He could pick and choose a couple simple, easy topics to talk about and appease me and then go hibernate in the garage for the rest of the night knowing that his part was done. I, on the other hand, realized quickly that this wasn't solving our problems. The lack of engagement in our life. The lack of intimate conversations with each other that weren't assigned by the counselor. The lack of trust. My need to really connect with my spouse wasn't even being considered, nor were the big ticket issues that are really at the heart of our soured relationship.

The last time we saw the counselor was about 6 months ago. It was after I had seen an attorney. I was trying to figure out what to do when none of the options seemed appealing. Do I stay in a marriage where betrayal and dishonesty are the only things my husband provides on a regular basis? Do I dissolve this union, be outcast by friends, family, and possibly the church, and change the course of my children's lives forever? It was like being asked "How would you prefer to die? By being shot in the head or run over by a train?" There is no good outcome.

My husband actually set up the appointment this time. A first for him. We went and sat, awkwardly, in the tiny counseling room we'd been in many times before. The first words out of the counselor's mouth were, "I had NO idea it was this bad."

I remember saying something the effect of, "Am I invisible? Because I TOLD you all these things on my first visit. I EXPLAINED in detail what our issues were and how long I'd been confused about what to do. You KNEW, you just got sidetracked when the handsome church boy saying all the right things came in and sat down. He LOOKED the part to you---while I was the emotional wreck of a wife---and he won you over. Just like he has won 2 other pastors over. He looked the part."

I don't remember what was said after that. It's all a blur. But I do remember thinking that here is a man (the counselor) with a really good heart, doing really good things for people in need. But he's human. And he did miss the mark with us. And he didn't really "hear" me for all of my transparency and honesty...he didn't hear me.

The good thing--if there can be a good thing from this--- is that it helped me to see that the only one who really knows my heart---really hears my cries, is God. And maybe that needs to be where my focus lies. I'm fairly certain God doesn't have selective hearing.

identity

2009-03-21T18:41:00.000-07:00

I attended the court mandated parenting class today. Nothing they taught was what I would classify as profound, but I did come away feeling better prepared for who lies ahead. One theme today was about how we are now moving away from being part of a twosome into the single life.

My mind kept wandering to the last 12 years of what "being a couple" has meant. I don't want to sound overly dramatic or anything. I know that once we are divorced, living apart, and I'm basically on my own, that it will be a huge adjustment for all of us. The learning curve will be steep; I don't know what I don't know.

But all the talk about the loss of companionship and how our social group will change...well, I don't believe that will be part of our adjustment period. I've been married to a person who I am tempted to call anti-social. Someone whose complaints when I had invited people over ranged from "I don't know them very well" (which is sort of the point of getting together) "I'm busy" (which usually meant he'd spend the afternoon and evening working out in the garage by himself), or "It's too expensive" (which is why you make it a potluck or soup)

All of his arguments were for the sake of convenience. His, not mine. Because the pattern that seemed to develop over time was that he could get to know a stranger---when they had something he wanted. He did clear his schedule at a moment's notice---when it was something he loved to do. And, he has spent tens of thousands of dollars on things that are related to his interests over the years with little regard for the impact to our family.

What concerns me now is that I have not really had a social life for....well, years. I don't imagine being a divorcee is going to suddenly resurrect it. Am I doomed to a social life in the "divorce recovery" group at church, or is it really possible to have a diverse social group to interact with?

divorce and the church

2009-03-18T21:56:00.000-07:00

Some people, upon finding out I'm in the midst of divorce, may find it interesting that I consider my faith to be of huge importance in my life. Faith, religion, Biblical standards and the like don't seem to go hand-in-hand with divorce. We all know that God hates divorce thanks to the oft quoted verse in Malachi. So, how could I claim to have a faith in God while doing something that he clearly hates.

Let me just say I'm no theologian. Not that there was any question of that, I'm sure. Just a disclaimer.

The thing I find interesting, fascinating, really, is that there are many things that aren't okay by Biblical standards. Lying, cheating, gossiping, slandering, fornicating (that word always makes me chuckle...it just sounds so...8th grade or something), killing, etc., and yet they happen daily across the globe.

I've often felt like some of the legalism of Christianity stems from trying to keep up the image. We're afraid to be found out. Would it be better to live the lie and look the part? It depends on who you ask, I think.

I recently received a letter from my former college campus pastor. In it, he talks about getting a phone call from a lesbian who is looking for a place to worship. She wants a place to be accepted not simply tolerated. I can't find the letter to quote it exactly, but he tells her something about the Bible being pretty clear about sin and it's not to be tolerated--or something like that. I've always been someone who appreciates a person with strong convictions--even if they don't match up with my own. But I had to wonder how many times this pastor has told someone about "sin not being tolerated" when they were gossiping, or lying, or using coarse language. What about when a spouse was treating their spouse disrespectfully...when a husband wasn't leading his family in the ways of the Lord, when a wife wasn't honoring her husband, when children weren't obeying their parents? What then?

All this to say that I fear what Christians will find necessary to say after I am officially divorced. Will they feel the need to educate me on what their version of the Bible says about divorce? Will they remember the times I opened up about the state of my marriage in the middle of that 10 week Bible study while everyone else nervously glanced around the room, uncomfortable with the real life dripping from my lips? What would happen if the lesbian girl just came to fellowship and meet God--and people were okay with that? What if it doesn't matter if I approve of someone and their choices? What if doesn't matter if everyone agrees with mine? Maybe instead of name tags we should wear our "unacceptable sin" (because lets face it, some of them ARE acceptable) on a label---might make it easier.

What if the church learned how to share Christ's love and left the judgement and wrath to Him?

whose fault is it?

2009-03-18T20:12:00.000-07:00

Today was a hard day. We started out talking about who will be paying for what after the big D is final and we're living in separate residences. He doesn't want to pay for childcare---because "it's not fair" since he'll be paying for childcare during days that aren't even "his" days with the kids.

To be fair, I get it. I joke that I'm a Libra so I can see both sides of an issue. I really can. Even in this.

As the conversation went on, we both put in a plug for the challenges of our own plight as a future single parents. I, apparently, was complaining a bit much because he soon put me in my place with a "Well, this is basically your own doing anyways since you decided to see at attorney."

I took a few seconds to refill my lungs with air after that comment. My stomach felt like I'd been punched. This is how it's going to be from now on , isn't it? I think it is---and not just from him.

I have the impression that from here on out anytime I have a problem with childcare, a frustrating day, a need for some down time, or anything else that we humans have or need from time to time, THAT sort of response will be what I hear from him. And I'm guessing others will think it whether they verbalize it or not.

The worst part of that comment for me is that it exempts him from any part in this. Our divorce is only happening because *I* went to see an attorney. Not because we've had issues for years. Not because we sat in a counselor's office week after week for over 2 years together without him fully engaging in "our situation", but because *I* went to an attorney. THAT is apparently the REAL problem here.

And I think he really believes it. And I can't believe that I was such a sick and wounded person more than 12 years ago that I thought he could somehow complete me.

judgement

2009-03-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

Today I went to my weekly counseling appointment. I've been going since late October, and, quite frankly, it freaks me out a little to imagine a time when Lynn isn't a regularly scheduled appointment in my week. When the going gets tough I check my schedule to see how many days until I can go dump it on him and watch him sort through the junk that is now my Life.

Being a counsel-ee isn't something I ever thought I'd be. I'm not sure I ever verbalized that fact, but I realize now that I sort of had a "thing" about people who were in counseling--subconsciously, perhaps, but there nonetheless. Maybe a stray thought here or there about neediness or desperation when I'd hear someone talk about their counselor. Nothing big or overwhelming, just a quietly-judging-from-the-sidelines thought that tampered with my perspective.

Of course, being a divorcee is also something I never thought I'd be either. And I'm quite certain that I have held judgemental ideas about people who have walked down this road before me. I know I assumed they didn't try hard enough, didn't value marriage like *I* did, weren't willing to give it their all, didn't love their children enough....you get the picture. I thought I knew. Understood.

Standing in this place has tweaked my perspective a bit. A lot, to be more honest. Everyone's story is different. Some people really don't value marriage the way I do; some don't try hard enough; some do crazy things that put their children in harm's way. But you can't tell by looking. And you definitely can't tell by just knowing they are Divorced.

I wonder--not that it should matter all that much, but it matters a little---what people's perception of me will now be. I'm more aware of things in conversations that point to bias in others as well. A teacher describing a student who's having trouble in school...."Well, her mom's single and you know how that is"....I'm sure there was care and concern in there somewhere, but I also heard something else. She's not a responsible parent. She's the reason her kid is struggling. She doesn't care enough or do enough. I admit it; I'm overly sensitive right now, but still. I'm not imagining all of it. It's there.

And, perhaps, it should be. Maybe it's akin to the kids who find themselves pregnant at 16. No one wants to be too nice or too kind because it might convey acceptance of their inappropriate behavior. And even though, after the baby is born, we're happy for them, rooting for them to make it and show the world they've got what it takes, there's still the awkward sense that we shouldn't be treating them like it's no big deal.

I wonder how this will play itself out in my life. How will my friends react. I know this doesn't just affect me and my kids and my soon-to-be-ex. The ripples radiate out from all of us into our social groups, work places, schools.

history part 1

2009-03-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

I've thought for a few months now that I should blog about this part of my life. I wish I would have done it sooner to more accurately capture the raw emotions of the moment.

As of now, it's 6-weeks since I filed the divorce paperwork with the courthouse. In our state, there's a 90 day window that must pass in order to finish up all the necessary paperwork and take a parenting class before final paperwork is filed.

We're in a holding pattern. There's a house to sell. He wants it, but can't afford it alone. I don't want it--and couldn't afford it alone even if I did. He won't move anywhere else right now because "that's not fair", and I won't uproot the kids right now. I'd rather have the house sell and then we all move to our new places. We've come to a verbal agreement---which has never meant anything in our marriage----that if the house doesn't sell by July 31, he will find a one-bedroom apartment to move into. Then, when it's his weekend with the kids I'll hang at his apartment or a friends'. It would make this less "transistional" for the kids--at least in theory. I'd be a complete idiot if I claimed that his isn't going to impact these sweet kids.

I dislike being in this treading water stage. I've packed some of my non-essentials. I'm finding that some of them actually ARE essential---books, knitting stuff, photo albums...things I love to have around me. Comforting things. I feel like I'm living out of a suitcase with no idea when I'm going home. I'm sure there's a lesson in here somewhere.

the beginning of the end

2009-03-16T18:53:00.000-07:00

I can't say I've ever spent much time considering divorce or its effects on all parties involved in one. Yet, here I am, more than 12 years after committing my life to the man I thought was Mr. Right, in the midst of my own personal hell. Divorce.

The beginning of the end wasn't just yesterday. In fact, the beginning of the end probably was around the time we got married. There are all the "signs". You know the signs. The things that Cosmo might have a quiz for to determine, "Will Your Relationship Last?", "Is He The One For You?", "Do You Have the Right Chemistry?" I had about as much sense as someone who puts any sort of trust in a quiz in Cosmo, so maybe this serves me right.

I wanted to be married. I'd been engaged before. Twice, to be more precise, and I was positive that my true source of happiness in life was that perfect man who'd encircle my left ring finger in diamonds and make lofty promises that he may or may not be able to keep.

I had no idea about marriage. In retrospect, I think this was bound to happen. My marital models turned out to be people whose marriages happen to look a lot like the one I'm in the midst of dissolving. Oh sure, theirs are "working" in the sense that they're still together. But in my newly found perspective, there's a huge chasm between being together and actually making things work.

And if I sound bitter, well, that's due to my lack of formal acting training. I cannot act well enough to overcome the anger, sadness, and looming depression that I fear will one day completely engulf me. I don't know how people step out of this unscathed. Actually, I know that they can't possibly be untouched by this, but I'm hoping that there is a point where happiness comes again. Joy outshines the dark and dreary, and getting up in the morning doesn't feel like an impossbile feat of strength.