astonished

Interesting thing happened this week.

My former mother-in-law happens to work for some people I know---or knew years ago. I used to live in the garage apartment at their home before I married Ex.

This week I went to visit and deliver a baby gift to one of the now-grown children of this family I used to live with. As my friend introduced me to her niece, she said, "This is So-and-so's daughter-in-law". I glanced at her with a weird look on my face, I'm sure.

Surprisingly, she hadn't heard about, you know, "The Situation". INTERESTING.

Why is this interesting, you ask? Well, it's because my former mother-in-law happens to be one of the biggest gossips I've met in my life. I have not known her to ever keep her mouth shut in all the years I was part of her family. Her children and their spouses know this and do not share information with her unless it is acceptable that the entire town she lives in knows. Many of her extended family knows this about her. It is a fact. So, for her to NOT share about her son and I getting a divorce----especially with the people she works with daily----is quite surprising.

One side of me wants to be impressed. It sounds impressive and honorable. I suppose it could be out of care and concern for me. But I'm fairly certain that her restrait comes from her own realization that her precious boy's choices reflect on her family negatively. And it's rather hard to be judgmental and self-righteous when the stench you smell is coming from your own trash can.
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facets of grief

As time goes by I am finding myself more and more THRILLED with my life as a single person. Even so, the reality of grief---and the areas it emcompasses---is somewhat surprising.
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I found out Hoochie's kids are now playing with the neighbors across the street. Uh..that would be MY neighbors. Across the street from MY old house. It's difficult to not feel betrayed by these neighbors even though it sounds very snotty-jr-high-girl to say that.
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My ex's parents were "on my side" when they first found out about Hoochie. They said we'd always be family. And even though I told ex's mom that she'd get over the initial shock and eventually welcome Hoochie into the family and I'd become a distant memory, I feel a bit stabbed in the heart to know that ex and Hoochie having been taking the kids to gramma's house for weekend dinners. It feels like I've been written off and that anything good I ever brought to the table has been swept into the trash bin, forgotten. They're forging a new relationship with her---out with the old, in with the new.
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I found out that today is one of ex's step daughter's birthdays. My youngest child mentioned to me that she and ex took step-daughter a special treat at school today. Hoochie didn't come. For some reason I was bothered by this. Ex was never really about doing nice, albeit unnecessary things for people. He'd be the first one to point out how wasteful niceties like balloons and flowers and a special lunch were. But apparently HER kids are worth it.
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Last weekend they took their brood to the movies. Not a big deal in and of itself, except for the fact that, again, it was a rare day when he would agree to waste money on such things. 2 adults and 6 kids (well, maybe 5 since the baby was probably free) isn't cheap. And my kids reported having movie theater junk.....cha-ching.
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There is still the feeling of the elephant in the room in many settings. I am not clear on proper etiquette in getting things out in the open. Do I just blurt out, "We're divorced, ok??" and stomp off? Do I just act like nothing is different? Do I have our story printed out on little notecards to hand out in awkward situations to alleviate any discomfort? I must say that my preference is for the people who say, "You know, I heard about you and ex and I'm so sorry." It's so much nicer to have it out there.
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A friend shared with me her husband's frustration that, "People who think divorce is "final" are crazy...it's not final when you have kids." As much as I'm sure that he meant nothing personal by his statement, I can't help but feel a bit frustrated. I DO realize divorce is not final. I DO realize that I will be forever connected to the father of my children. I DO think about every birthday, graduation, holiday, wedding....and I know that it's not final. I did not divorce my husband because of some silly fantasy of being "done" with him forever (although I'd love it if that were true) Sadly, divorcing him was the best option, which hopefully conveys how agonizing my decision was.
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So, I'm off to take a nice bubble bath and use the towels that I share with no one---and that haven't been used to wipe grease off the car's dipstick by mistake. Then I'll drink a hot cup of tea in my warm cozy, down-adorned bed with too many decorative pillows--arranged just the way I like them. And I'll smile and remember that life is good----or at least it's getting a little closer to good every "single" day.

Pros and Cons

This weekend marks the 2-month anniversary of my single-ness. It's a love/hate thing---my feelings about my life. Not completely bad, but not totally good either. Relationship purgatory---somewhere in between "recently divorced" and "wanting to marry again someday". Someone pray me out of here quick.

The cons of being here:
-continually having to answer the question "What does she look like?" when people find out about my ex's recent remarriage. (as IF it makes it acceptable if he married a supermodel.)
{He didn't.}

-having to deal with them and their insanity on a near-daily basis (this may also be considered a pro at times due to the comic relief it provides)

-having to borrow someone's husband or drill when I need to hang up a coatrack. And, no, I don't want to buy my own drill. I know how to use one, I just prefer for someone else to have that household job.

-being the only one around when a kid decides to puke in the middle of the night. (but again, I was usually the only one who actually did anything about this even when there were 2 of us around, so...no big)

-having to wonder what the appropriate amount of time is before I date again, and wondering if my friend was right when she said, "Someone will always think it's too soon, no matter how long you wait."

The pros:
-MY bed, MY decorative pillows on the bed, MY 4 pillows.....and no hairy legs scraping up against mine in the middle of the night. (admittedly, this could also be a con)

-No one else making charges out of MY bank account.

-There is more laughter in my house now...Mr. Moody isn't walking scowling all the time.

-He is not here.

-He is not here.

-He is not here.