tomorrow

Tomorrow marks 90 days since I filed. I'm not sure what actually happens next. Will fireworks go off spontaneously to mark the occasion? Is a handshake appropriate? A hug, perhaps?

My attorney has been busy, apparently. A couple of unreturned phone calls are making me wonder what's going on. Not being an expert on how to dissolve something that was supposed to last forever, I'm confused about "where" we are now....

I do know that I am stuck in a rut. Living in a house with a man who is very good at pretending, so much so that I find myself questioning his every action because I don't know what's underneath. Manipulation? Killing me with kindness? Or could it be genuine? We're both polite and neutral to each other---or as close to polite and neutral as possible.

Bitter creeps out a little. I don't mean for it to, but it's very sneaky.

I'm weary. I've been holding my breath for months now.... I can tell the air is running out, but I still can't see the surface. I hope I make it.

I've been trying so hard to find the silver lining. It's not easy. My new normal leans toward the negative and cynical. Being already gifted in the fine art of sarcasm, it's hard to not completely succumb to the dark side.

~~~

This might hurt, it's not safe,

but I know that I've got to make a change

I don't care if I break; at least I'll be feeling something

'Cause "just okay" is not enough

help me fight through the nothingness of Life

~~~

No regrets, not this time

gonna let my heart defeat my mind

let your love make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something

~~~

These are the words of the day; the "something" that gave me pause and made me stop and breathe...and just 'be' for a few minutes. I took them out of the context of the song and applied them to my life now, and it fits. The nothingness of Life...I'm there.

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