one step at a time

I got an email the other day. At the bottom was the riddle.."How do you eat an elephant?" (One bite at a time)

Point well taken. This is definitely a process, and I have to quit getting so stressed out about being "in the middle of" it. I so want to be through it and starting to heal. Maybe divorce, like love, is something you can't hurry. Am I right, Phil Collins?

A long time ago a friend and were talking about our marriages. During the course of that conversation she said, "How sick were we that we married people like them?" It wasn't meant as a critique of them so much as a reality check for us. WE, in our state of mind at the time, chose them---thinking we would be better people with them than without. I'm not sure I thought that. I was just not wanting to be the last person on the planet not married. My track record with relationships wasn't the best, and I just "knew" that this Christian Boy was going to make my life complete. I was partially right---he has helped make it a complete mess.

I still agonize daily about things. Should I just "get over it" like he keeps suggesting? What would that mean if I did just let things slide? And then I see how that would only prolong the inevitable. I've done the getting over, the ignoring. I've overlooked when I should have demanded answers. I turned a blind eye only to get burned a few months down the road. I've listened to him justify, rationalize, blame. I've taken on part of a burden that is his alone. I'm tired. The ball is in his court and he's choosing to keep it there.

I have to keep telling myself that all I did was expose what he was doing. I am just drawing the proverbial line in the sand and saying, "This is not okay anymore". He is choosing to keep surrounding himself with the muck he's entrenched in. He's got an uncanny way of making me believe that his junk is my fault. I know that it's not....I can not be thin enough, nice enough, pretty enough, smart enough, slutty enough, supportive enough, perfect enough...it's not about me.

A friend who also went through a divorce told me that thoughts are like a hurricane in your mind. That is so true. I can't control the thoughts; they just happen. The torrent of "What Ifs" and "I Should Haves" rain down so heavily sometimes that I fear I'll be swept into a flood so strong I won't be able to swim against the current. I just hope, most days, to keep my head above water...

Once again, music rescues my soul. It quiets the storm for me, and allows a reprieve from the constant downpour....