paralyzed

I went to the park the other morning to walk on the trail. As I got out of my car to start, I found myself struck with fear. I'm not exactly sure what I was fearful of, but I almost got back in my car.

I pressed on instead, needing to be out and moving, even if the weather was more like a frigid mid-winter day than the early spring day that it should be. As I continued to walk, feeling less scared with each step, I thought to myself, "This is what it's going to be like from here on out."

I'm on my own. I will have to do things by myself and for myself. It was sort of pitiful, actually.

I can't remember the last time he walked with me. The last time he did something that I wanted to do. The last time he participated in something that wasn't all about him. So, how weird for me to feel this tremendous sense of loss...is this one of those 'Stages of Grief' things, where I'm just grieving the things that could have been?

Looking back, I think I've given up many of the things that made me "Me". I know everyone says this when they divorce. I didn't think I was giving them up at the time, I just saw it as how our life was progressing together, but the more I look to find out who I really am and what I'm really all about, the more I see how I faded into the background quite often.

And I did it willingly. I don't want to blame this on him. He never forced me to give up myself. I chose to let some things go because it wasn't worth the battle. In some ways I am looking forward to reclaiming a bit of myself again. I'm not sure how, or when the right time will be, but it's a little bright spot in all of this darkness.

-entertaining people on the spur of the moment...even if it's just soup and salad
-reaching out to "fringe" people in my life--people I'd like to know better, but rarely had/made time for
-watching some old movies he would never sit through
-reading through a growing book list when my kids are with him on his weekends
-eating at restaurants that he'd either 1) refuse to eat at because of his narrow tastes 2) complain about how expensive they were
-drinking my favorite wine regularly (at home)---actually, figuring out what my favorite wine is...
-really enjoying my kids without the worry of "bothering dad" with our noise or mess or whatever
-taking guitar lessons--because that's the official "I'm divorced and coping with it" activity
-hiking without feeling like I'm racing with him and then having him criticize how I walked so slowly and point out what I should do differently next time.
--Enjoying The Journey...at my pace, with people I love.