blue

Blue is the color I feel most days. Or gray.

I'm sad.

I mentally turn around and around---like a dog trying to find the perfect place to lay down and sleep---never quite getting it right. I analyze every facet of my situation in a feeble, and unsuccessful, attempt at dulling the pain. The chianti helped a little tonight, but I'm still sad.

I don't think I can bypass the hurt and the sadness. I think have to walk through it.

And I'm scared I'll come out on the other side scarred beyond recognition.

The blue-gray sad washes over me again.

I think inside every woman there's still a little girl hoping that somewhere there really is a prince on a white horse coming for her. Coming to rescue her. Coming to sweep her off her feet. Coming to love her unconditionally forever....happily ever after, that is.

I traded in happily ever after for "hopefully" ever after, knowing full well that I had no business marrying him. I think we only made it this long because I held on to that fairy tale about the white horse and prince showing up.......mine missed the turn. Maybe he didn't ask for directions.

What makes me most sad is to recognize that my sadness isn't specifically because of missing him...I don't want him in his unhealthy, sinful, unrepentant state. I'm sad because I just spent more than 12 years with a man who chose airbrushed pixels over real-life flesh and blood. He knew the things that could hurt me the most---and he did them anyway.

This is my anthem---my song of hope. I've got to believe there's hope but I'm terrified this is all there is.

When my life is like a storm

Rising waters --all I want is the shore

you say I'll be okay

and make it through the rain

You are my shelter from the storm

(the blue-gray raging storm)