at the core

What people think of me doesn't change the reality of who I really am.

The lesson from today's session with Lynn could be summed up in that statement. It sounds so simplistic---like something we all teach our kids when they're feeling down and out. I still need to remind myself of this truth from time to time.

I was watching The Secret Life of Bees tonight. I hadn't heard much about it except the title, which intrigued me. I have a thing for bees. My name, in fact, means 'Honeybee' in Greek, so is there any wonder why I'm drawn to them? (from a distance that is...or admiring a Debbie Mumm drawing of a bee)

There's a part near the end where Lily runs out to her dad's truck to clarify one thing with him before he drives out of her life, perhaps forever. She needs to know if her mom had actually been coming back for her years ago. Dad had always told Lily that her mother didn't love her, didn't want her. Throughout her life Lily struggled with that. Vascillating, it seemed, between wanting to believe that her mom did, indeed, want her---and was coming back for her---, and the reality of the harsh words her dad spoke to her time and time again. When her dad finally admitted that, yes, her mom had been coming back for her, Lily asked him why he lied.

He said, "Because she wasn't coming back for me."

What a mind trip for a little girl. His selfishness caused her to doubt her place and worth in the world.

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For some reason that resonated with me. That feeling of being caught between what someone has continually told me over the years and what I so long to believe as the truth.

He is still speaking half truths about what has gone on. I don't blame him for not wanting to share the whole truth, and I don't even think it's anyone's business. Even so, I dislike that he's telling people that the reason we're not together is that

1) we're not compatible

2) I'm mad about some poor financial decisions of his.

Those might be supporting factors. The reality is different, but the conviction with which he shares these things has caused me to doubt reality more than once. Even so, what he says or thinks, does not change who I am---or the details of our failing marriage.

Lynn pointed out that he thinks I'm waiting for my soon-to-be-ex to validate all that I'm feeling. Initially I insisted that could not be further from the truth, but after thinking about it, he might, possibly be correct. Wouldn't it be nice if my Stbx would just say, "You know, you're totally right. I've done x, y, and z, and I can see exactly why we are in this place. You were right all along; I was just telling you something different because I didn't want to look like a schmuck. I wanted you to feel crazy and like this was all your fault."

Even if he never says that---never believes it---never admits anything close to that, it doesn't change the details of our situation. I am still the same person inside regardless of what people think of me. He is still the same person regardless of what people think of him, and our situation is still what it is even if people don't know the deep-down truth.