one step at a time

I got an email the other day. At the bottom was the riddle.."How do you eat an elephant?" (One bite at a time)

Point well taken. This is definitely a process, and I have to quit getting so stressed out about being "in the middle of" it. I so want to be through it and starting to heal. Maybe divorce, like love, is something you can't hurry. Am I right, Phil Collins?

A long time ago a friend and were talking about our marriages. During the course of that conversation she said, "How sick were we that we married people like them?" It wasn't meant as a critique of them so much as a reality check for us. WE, in our state of mind at the time, chose them---thinking we would be better people with them than without. I'm not sure I thought that. I was just not wanting to be the last person on the planet not married. My track record with relationships wasn't the best, and I just "knew" that this Christian Boy was going to make my life complete. I was partially right---he has helped make it a complete mess.

I still agonize daily about things. Should I just "get over it" like he keeps suggesting? What would that mean if I did just let things slide? And then I see how that would only prolong the inevitable. I've done the getting over, the ignoring. I've overlooked when I should have demanded answers. I turned a blind eye only to get burned a few months down the road. I've listened to him justify, rationalize, blame. I've taken on part of a burden that is his alone. I'm tired. The ball is in his court and he's choosing to keep it there.

I have to keep telling myself that all I did was expose what he was doing. I am just drawing the proverbial line in the sand and saying, "This is not okay anymore". He is choosing to keep surrounding himself with the muck he's entrenched in. He's got an uncanny way of making me believe that his junk is my fault. I know that it's not....I can not be thin enough, nice enough, pretty enough, smart enough, slutty enough, supportive enough, perfect enough...it's not about me.

A friend who also went through a divorce told me that thoughts are like a hurricane in your mind. That is so true. I can't control the thoughts; they just happen. The torrent of "What Ifs" and "I Should Haves" rain down so heavily sometimes that I fear I'll be swept into a flood so strong I won't be able to swim against the current. I just hope, most days, to keep my head above water...

Once again, music rescues my soul. It quiets the storm for me, and allows a reprieve from the constant downpour....

injustice

The feelings I have had lately about the whole "situation" (if we call it that, it hardly sounds as heart-wrenching as it really is) orbit around "injustice" "iniquity"....

There is not going to be the gentle way through this "ordeal" that I originally thought--or stupidly hoped---there might be. I will get nothing out of the house. WE will get nothing out of the house. The best case scenario is that I will not have to pay thousands of dollars for someone else to start inhabiting it. It's ugly, discouraging, unfair.

My husband's irresponsibility will continue to affect me long after his daily presence in my life is gone. It feels a bit like I'm being punished for trying to stand by my man for about 6 years too many. It's not fair.

He continues to spend---even more since my last post. He is still rationalizing his spending, more concerned about defending what he is doing than recognizing it for the problem that it is. Any discussion I have with him leaves me feeling even more concern for who this man is. He's become a spin doctor, turning obvious, rational thoughts into nonsense. He's like an alcoholic working in a liquor store---surrounding himself with those things he's most tempted by, denying the pull they really have on him. He's the captain of the ship gone crazy, and we're all going down with the vessel in which he made the holes.
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I was reminded this week about another man. A man I've had a relationship with on and off for the better part of 19 years. He willingly took on the mistakes of others. He didn't take on the same pissy attitude that I'm quite fond of sporting these days. He did it, knowing it would be for the greater good. It was unfair. It was ugly. He didn't deserve it either.

And that's my hope. The little thing I'm clinging to. When life seems to be business as usual for everyone around me, and I feel like the fragile girl who's living on the edge of a breakdown, trying not to look anyone directly in the eye for fear of the torrent of tears that might escape, I'm remembering this guy. And the fact that it's not about money. It's not about stuff. It's not about the couch or the armoire (even though I really want the armoire)....it's about the greater good, which I know sounds weird in light of this fatal "situation". When the dust finally settles--and people tell me it will----I don't want to add "rebuilding all the relationships I ruined because I was so bitter"(especially with my kids) to the list of things needing to be done. I'd rather focus on my kids' well-being and learn how to relate to each other (crazy Captain included) in our new roles.

So I'm going to take a cue from this Other Man in my life. I'm going to start making this about showing my kids the way to Grace---and hoping I find the way there in the process.

confirmation

This morning before I headed to work, he got up and wanted to talk. I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going to want to make this work somehow. I know that IF he does repent, I'll have no other choice but to give him another chance. I have prayed that he would repent, that I'd be given a sign that what I'm doing is right or wrong, that I'd know without a doubt that, as hard as this decision is, it's the right one.

Instead, he shared with me that less than a month ago he spent about 3K on another something-something for his hobby. Essentially, he bought another toy. But it gets worse.....

He apparently spent the better part of the last few weeks hiding this toy from people in his club because one of his friends has a connection with one of my friends. And he didn't want word to get back to me about his purchase. He has been storing---or hiding, depending on how you look at it---his toy at a friend's house, and he admitted to having concocted a story about how it was really Friend's toy...in case I should happen to find out and ask. These friends, by the way, are the people he associates with most. The high morals are clearly abounding in this group. Well, that's not entirely fair of me...there was the one friend. The one friend whose house was the storage area for the toy...this guy finally told my husband that he could store the toy, but that he was not willing to lie about it to anyone. Wow..you'd be hard-pressed to find a man with such high moral standards and convictions.

The amount of energy he spent covering his ass was quite impressive. Especially considering that most days he doesn't have enough energy to hang up his towel after showering. Fascinating.

In that moment, I had several emotions coursing through my mind----anger, followed by disbelief. Throw in some downright pissed-off-ness, and finish it off with a sprinkle of .....relief.

Yes, relief. As I listened to my husband tell me this story I heard all the usual phrases. But I didn't hear any plan to get help. I fear for where his un-treated addictive behavior will lead him. But I'm relieved that I'm not missing the mark here. To stay with this man would only mean years of more pornography addiction, more over-spending that jeopardizes our children's future, more lies, more deception, and more feeling like it's me...that if I would just do something else, something more, I'd fix our problems.

I think this is the deciding factor on whether I'm going to hire an attorney or just figure this out with him.....I don't trust him as far as I can see him.

paralyzed

I went to the park the other morning to walk on the trail. As I got out of my car to start, I found myself struck with fear. I'm not exactly sure what I was fearful of, but I almost got back in my car.

I pressed on instead, needing to be out and moving, even if the weather was more like a frigid mid-winter day than the early spring day that it should be. As I continued to walk, feeling less scared with each step, I thought to myself, "This is what it's going to be like from here on out."

I'm on my own. I will have to do things by myself and for myself. It was sort of pitiful, actually.

I can't remember the last time he walked with me. The last time he did something that I wanted to do. The last time he participated in something that wasn't all about him. So, how weird for me to feel this tremendous sense of loss...is this one of those 'Stages of Grief' things, where I'm just grieving the things that could have been?

Looking back, I think I've given up many of the things that made me "Me". I know everyone says this when they divorce. I didn't think I was giving them up at the time, I just saw it as how our life was progressing together, but the more I look to find out who I really am and what I'm really all about, the more I see how I faded into the background quite often.

And I did it willingly. I don't want to blame this on him. He never forced me to give up myself. I chose to let some things go because it wasn't worth the battle. In some ways I am looking forward to reclaiming a bit of myself again. I'm not sure how, or when the right time will be, but it's a little bright spot in all of this darkness.

-entertaining people on the spur of the moment...even if it's just soup and salad
-reaching out to "fringe" people in my life--people I'd like to know better, but rarely had/made time for
-watching some old movies he would never sit through
-reading through a growing book list when my kids are with him on his weekends
-eating at restaurants that he'd either 1) refuse to eat at because of his narrow tastes 2) complain about how expensive they were
-drinking my favorite wine regularly (at home)---actually, figuring out what my favorite wine is...
-really enjoying my kids without the worry of "bothering dad" with our noise or mess or whatever
-taking guitar lessons--because that's the official "I'm divorced and coping with it" activity
-hiking without feeling like I'm racing with him and then having him criticize how I walked so slowly and point out what I should do differently next time.
--Enjoying The Journey...at my pace, with people I love.