weeds

I just spent close to 2 hours weeding the yard. Except that after all that time and effort I spent, there was really no aesthetic benefit to be had. You see, the weeds had grown up on the back side of the berms that run the perimeter of our...er..my backyard.

I saw the tops of a few of them a couple days ago. They were nothing major, nothing that would immediately be spotted, nothing that detracted a whole lot from the rest of the yard. But they needed to be pulled.

When I got out there today and actually climbed onto the berm, well, that was a shocker. The backside of the slope was carpeted in weeds...thorny, pokey, puffy, cottony weeds. So I pulled and picked and said a few choice words along the way. They needed to come out----they'd grown far more than I'd realized.

I see a clear parallel here between the weeds on my berm and the goings on in my marriage. I was only seeing the tips of the weeds growing in my relationship. Things looked fairly good most of the time. I knew there were some issues that were ongoing. I thought we were doing okay pulling some of those figurative weeds by going to counseling. Thing is, counseling only works if you apply it....similar to the weed killer sitting in the garage; it's not doing it's job sitting on the shelf, is it?

I was sipping some mint tea---with a sprig of fresh mint from the garden---while sitting on the patio after my hard work. And although my hard work didn't make a huge difference from where I was sitting, the psychological difference was immense. I knew the weeds were gone. I knew the back of the slope was clear. I'm now aware that I need to check weekly instead of waiting 2 months now. I'll catch the weeds when they're small and haven't crept under the fence into the neighbor's yard.

There's a bigger lesson in here for me, I think.
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Lonely but not alone

With R moved out, the house seems much different. The pile of laundry has shrunk considerably, even with a girl who changes clothing 40 times a day, and boy who puts anything that's out of place into the dirty clothes bin. Yes, it's official---he was a slob. I always suspected, but now it's confirmed.

There are other trivial things that seem different without him here. Things that make me seem like a helpless girl---having to take the garbage can and recycling bin out to the curb. Keeping the lawn watered, weeding the yard and garden. These are things I can easily handle, but they make his absence more apparent.

And the reality hits me again at how those things are really the 'biggies' I'm missing. And the wave of pathetic-ness washes over me as I see the level at which I functioned within my marriage for far too long. We weren't really "married", we were in a partnership----he hung the pictures on my walls straight, and I paid the bills and kept the house running. Void of passion and excitement, we simply coexisted.

The lonely I feel is not missing him specifically. I have been sad ---devastated---over the fact that he didn't pursue me. When he knew I was on the brink of "done-ness" and told him what it would take to keep me around, he chose to walk in a different direction. He didn't want to pursue me; I wasn't worth it.

Lately, I've been reminded of the One who has never stopped pursuing me--even when I ran in other directions. I've been running a long time. Sometimes I'd catch up with Him, embarrassed at how I had responded. I'd ask for forgiveness and repent for a time. Eventually I'd run again, ignoring his knocks, pretending I didn't hear His voice, looking the other direction.....

The lonely I feel seems to be that void I've allowed to grow in my heart by ignoring the calls and the pursuit of my God. He hasn't forsaken me, yet I've assumed I wasn't enough--in my crumbling marriage, my selfish desires, my undisciplined life...I assumed He wouldn't really want me until I had it figured out and packaged it a little neater.

When I have the house to myself, it's hard to ignore Him. I am lonely for my kids when they're gone (the whole 3 nights they've been away), but I think I'm finding myself even more lonely for Him....for the relationship I left by the wayside years ago.

at the core

What people think of me doesn't change the reality of who I really am.

The lesson from today's session with Lynn could be summed up in that statement. It sounds so simplistic---like something we all teach our kids when they're feeling down and out. I still need to remind myself of this truth from time to time.

I was watching The Secret Life of Bees tonight. I hadn't heard much about it except the title, which intrigued me. I have a thing for bees. My name, in fact, means 'Honeybee' in Greek, so is there any wonder why I'm drawn to them? (from a distance that is...or admiring a Debbie Mumm drawing of a bee)

There's a part near the end where Lily runs out to her dad's truck to clarify one thing with him before he drives out of her life, perhaps forever. She needs to know if her mom had actually been coming back for her years ago. Dad had always told Lily that her mother didn't love her, didn't want her. Throughout her life Lily struggled with that. Vascillating, it seemed, between wanting to believe that her mom did, indeed, want her---and was coming back for her---, and the reality of the harsh words her dad spoke to her time and time again. When her dad finally admitted that, yes, her mom had been coming back for her, Lily asked him why he lied.

He said, "Because she wasn't coming back for me."

What a mind trip for a little girl. His selfishness caused her to doubt her place and worth in the world.

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For some reason that resonated with me. That feeling of being caught between what someone has continually told me over the years and what I so long to believe as the truth.

He is still speaking half truths about what has gone on. I don't blame him for not wanting to share the whole truth, and I don't even think it's anyone's business. Even so, I dislike that he's telling people that the reason we're not together is that

1) we're not compatible

2) I'm mad about some poor financial decisions of his.

Those might be supporting factors. The reality is different, but the conviction with which he shares these things has caused me to doubt reality more than once. Even so, what he says or thinks, does not change who I am---or the details of our failing marriage.

Lynn pointed out that he thinks I'm waiting for my soon-to-be-ex to validate all that I'm feeling. Initially I insisted that could not be further from the truth, but after thinking about it, he might, possibly be correct. Wouldn't it be nice if my Stbx would just say, "You know, you're totally right. I've done x, y, and z, and I can see exactly why we are in this place. You were right all along; I was just telling you something different because I didn't want to look like a schmuck. I wanted you to feel crazy and like this was all your fault."

Even if he never says that---never believes it---never admits anything close to that, it doesn't change the details of our situation. I am still the same person inside regardless of what people think of me. He is still the same person regardless of what people think of him, and our situation is still what it is even if people don't know the deep-down truth.

surreal

He's moving stuff out today. His mom is supplying much of the furniture he'll be lacking. Life seems to be pretty darn good for him.

Or is it?

I'm trying to stiffle my feelings of jealousy.

How come it seems like some people can wander through life completely oblivious to the negative impact they have on others, their own irresponsibility, and the implications of staying in a teenage state of mind well into their 30's, and they seem to get rewarded for it?

Is this the part where I remember that my reward will be in heaven? Is it wrong for me to wish for an advance on that reward? A little something-something to hold me over until then....
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Lily's quotes

Lynn (counselor above all) is my rock. Well, of course, God is, you know, THE Rock...but right now Lynn is a close second.

He is a good Sorter and Figure-Outer. I heart him in the totally-appropriate-for-a-client-to-heart-her-counselor way. He gave me a quote today by Lily Tomlin that is very good I think:

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”

I looked up more Lily quotes and found that she has quite the arsenal...made me laugh, and I do firmly believe that laugher is good medicine. So, let me share my drug of choice with you.

“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it”

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”

"Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.”

“Man (woman) invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”

“All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.

Now I see that I should have been more specific.”

another grrrr moment

The fall out continues today. Phone calls, emails....to him from his mom mostly.

He is aggravated at her need to be so involved in "fixing" things. But he won't set a boundary for her. Instead, he's being victimized by her over involvement with no apparent recourse. I suggested he tell her to butt out. Nicely, of course, but still. She is staying involved because he is giving her bits and pieces to chew on.

His response to me was that he might "need" to share what MY part of the problem was in our marriage in order to show his family that I am not faultless. I urged him to do that, saying it was his right---and, gosh, maybe even his responsibility-- to do so. And then I asked him to clarify for me what MY issues were because I wanted to make sure we were both on the same page.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I'd like to share here. I have never wanted to imply or explicitly state that I have no responsibility in the demise of my marriage. I most certainly do. I have not been anything close to a perfect wife. I have failed miserably time and time again. I do stand firm in my belief that the big ticket issues that we've continued to struggle with over the years stem from his dishonesty, deception, addiction to porn which has escalated over the years, and his lack of repentance for some heavy choices he has made. .....

But I'm still not perfect.

These are the things that he said were MY issues:
-talking down to him ---I did this more than I care to admit. I am a quick thinker with a bent toward sarcasm....and I often struggle to reign in my tongue. Guilty as charged. Sadly, this came very easily to me, and when we were not getting along, my acerbic "wit" would be unleashed in a flash.

-belittling him----He told me often over the years, that he felt belittled by me. In the past I attempted to work on this, but found that I was really unclear on what he considered "belittling" to be. His perception of it encompassed many things that I didn't think constituted belitting. I've struggled to know what to do about this, although I've given up trying the last few months, obviously.

-with-holding sex--- It took me years to see this for what it is: sin. A year ago in February, after attending a Love and Respect conference, I felt like God opened my eyes to sexual withholding in marriage as being sinful. I confessed this to my husband, asked for forgiveness, which he gave. At the time, I explained that my withholding was the direct result of the dishonesty and deception he brought to our relationship. It wasn't to justify or excuse my sin, but to explain to him where this was stemming from. He seemed to understand when I explained that giving myself freely to someone whom I didn't trust was a huge challenge for me, but I question now if he really saw the correlation. And in the spirit of completely oversharing, let me state that the longest I withheld from him was almost a month. He claims it was closer to 3, but that isn't correct...but it probably felt like it.
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The bottom line in our marriage is really not that he has some big issues. It's that he won't repent of, seek help for, or even admit them. Today's conversation confirmed this for me: this is not a repentant man who wants God's best for himself or for anyone else. To complain that I have made him "look bad" and then want to turn around and do the same to me does not speak of a man whose heart is fixed on things above.

While I'm not proud of some of my actions ( or would that be "inaction" LOL) during my marriage, I can honestly say that I have received the forgiveness I sought when I realized how wrong I was. And I made attempts to change my behavior.
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I am hoping he choses to take the high road, of course. But if he feels compelled to share my sins with his family in the name of even-ing up the score, well, I hope they'll see it for the smokescreen that it is and not judge me too harshly.

the fall out

Telling my children turned out to be rather uneventful. I told them the facts. The younger one didn't really tune in...not sure she is able to comprehend it at this age anyway until the day when Dad actually physically moves out. My son seemed to understand it...he seemed a little disinterested. Not quite what I was expecting. I willed myself to say a few specific things and then wait for him to ask questions instead of just rambling incessantly. He didn't need clarification, so I'm letting it ride, fully expecting the questions to trickle in after he has had time to process it.

I stuck with the basic points:
-mom and dad are getting a divorce
-that means we won't be married anymore, and we won't live in the same house
-we'll always be Mom and Dad even though we're not married...
-kind of like "Joe's" parents
-we love you so much
-we will always be here for you
-we will always love you and take care of you
-we will always keep you safe

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Meanwhile..
A flurry of emails has been traveling around between various family members---on his side. Surprisingly, his mom hasn't contacted me yet. I thought she would have. I vascillate between being relieved and insulted. (I'm such a girl)

A sister-in-law sent us both an email explaining, from her point of view, the impact of divorce on children. She was 26 when her parents split, but is still reeling from it, apparently, at the age of 50. (That wasn't stated in a belittling way, honestly. I don't doubt her grief and sadness one bit. I just don't understand how her completely different situation has anything to do with ours--other than the fact that our children will be impacted by this. )

I wrote a response to her letter, but I'm not convinced I will send it. I don't wish to add fodder to the banter going back and forth, and I dislike the idea of having something in written form for people to dissect and debate. (yes, that's somewhat laughable considering this is a blog...on the web) On the other hand, perhaps having my thoughts would bring some clarity to their hurting hearts. I'm not sure.

The letter---and the phone calls that my STBX has told me about---hurt a bit. They explicitly say that we need to pray and think and seek counsel before making a decision of this magnitude. They are correct, of course, but they don't understand 1. the real issues here 2. the length of time we've been dealing with them , or 3. the amount of prayer, thought, and counsel that has already gone into this decision.

I know that I cannot read the email without feeling defensive, however, I also feel sad that some of what was stated in the letter---and said on the phone---without knowing facts, is basically, "get over it", "work it out", "we know best". It's the classic "Sweep and Smile"----sweep things under the rug and smile like nothing's wrong. I sort of wish I could get some points for the years I've done the Sweep and Smile. I am quite good at it, I'm just opting not to play anymore.

Another tough pill to swallow is the undeniable fact of how little his family has participated in our life, and yet, they are comfortable giving unsolicited advice. We, literally, haven't seen or spoken to his brother/sister-in-law since Christmas. At that time, there was no outward evidence of anything awry in our union, although we had been considering options for 4+ months. His parents have been over about 3 times since Christmas. I don't say this to imply that we have called and begged for them to visit, or that we resent their limited contact, but rather to show the actual relationship we share with them....distant at best.
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Lynn, my counselor, is going to have a lot of "stuff" to help me sort through on Tuesday. And my guess is that one thing he is going to say to me is this: "You can't control their response."

And my job will be to listen to him.