confirmation

This morning before I headed to work, he got up and wanted to talk. I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going to want to make this work somehow. I know that IF he does repent, I'll have no other choice but to give him another chance. I have prayed that he would repent, that I'd be given a sign that what I'm doing is right or wrong, that I'd know without a doubt that, as hard as this decision is, it's the right one.

Instead, he shared with me that less than a month ago he spent about 3K on another something-something for his hobby. Essentially, he bought another toy. But it gets worse.....

He apparently spent the better part of the last few weeks hiding this toy from people in his club because one of his friends has a connection with one of my friends. And he didn't want word to get back to me about his purchase. He has been storing---or hiding, depending on how you look at it---his toy at a friend's house, and he admitted to having concocted a story about how it was really Friend's toy...in case I should happen to find out and ask. These friends, by the way, are the people he associates with most. The high morals are clearly abounding in this group. Well, that's not entirely fair of me...there was the one friend. The one friend whose house was the storage area for the toy...this guy finally told my husband that he could store the toy, but that he was not willing to lie about it to anyone. Wow..you'd be hard-pressed to find a man with such high moral standards and convictions.

The amount of energy he spent covering his ass was quite impressive. Especially considering that most days he doesn't have enough energy to hang up his towel after showering. Fascinating.

In that moment, I had several emotions coursing through my mind----anger, followed by disbelief. Throw in some downright pissed-off-ness, and finish it off with a sprinkle of .....relief.

Yes, relief. As I listened to my husband tell me this story I heard all the usual phrases. But I didn't hear any plan to get help. I fear for where his un-treated addictive behavior will lead him. But I'm relieved that I'm not missing the mark here. To stay with this man would only mean years of more pornography addiction, more over-spending that jeopardizes our children's future, more lies, more deception, and more feeling like it's me...that if I would just do something else, something more, I'd fix our problems.

I think this is the deciding factor on whether I'm going to hire an attorney or just figure this out with him.....I don't trust him as far as I can see him.