injustice

The feelings I have had lately about the whole "situation" (if we call it that, it hardly sounds as heart-wrenching as it really is) orbit around "injustice" "iniquity"....

There is not going to be the gentle way through this "ordeal" that I originally thought--or stupidly hoped---there might be. I will get nothing out of the house. WE will get nothing out of the house. The best case scenario is that I will not have to pay thousands of dollars for someone else to start inhabiting it. It's ugly, discouraging, unfair.

My husband's irresponsibility will continue to affect me long after his daily presence in my life is gone. It feels a bit like I'm being punished for trying to stand by my man for about 6 years too many. It's not fair.

He continues to spend---even more since my last post. He is still rationalizing his spending, more concerned about defending what he is doing than recognizing it for the problem that it is. Any discussion I have with him leaves me feeling even more concern for who this man is. He's become a spin doctor, turning obvious, rational thoughts into nonsense. He's like an alcoholic working in a liquor store---surrounding himself with those things he's most tempted by, denying the pull they really have on him. He's the captain of the ship gone crazy, and we're all going down with the vessel in which he made the holes.
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I was reminded this week about another man. A man I've had a relationship with on and off for the better part of 19 years. He willingly took on the mistakes of others. He didn't take on the same pissy attitude that I'm quite fond of sporting these days. He did it, knowing it would be for the greater good. It was unfair. It was ugly. He didn't deserve it either.

And that's my hope. The little thing I'm clinging to. When life seems to be business as usual for everyone around me, and I feel like the fragile girl who's living on the edge of a breakdown, trying not to look anyone directly in the eye for fear of the torrent of tears that might escape, I'm remembering this guy. And the fact that it's not about money. It's not about stuff. It's not about the couch or the armoire (even though I really want the armoire)....it's about the greater good, which I know sounds weird in light of this fatal "situation". When the dust finally settles--and people tell me it will----I don't want to add "rebuilding all the relationships I ruined because I was so bitter"(especially with my kids) to the list of things needing to be done. I'd rather focus on my kids' well-being and learn how to relate to each other (crazy Captain included) in our new roles.

So I'm going to take a cue from this Other Man in my life. I'm going to start making this about showing my kids the way to Grace---and hoping I find the way there in the process.