the fall out

Telling my children turned out to be rather uneventful. I told them the facts. The younger one didn't really tune in...not sure she is able to comprehend it at this age anyway until the day when Dad actually physically moves out. My son seemed to understand it...he seemed a little disinterested. Not quite what I was expecting. I willed myself to say a few specific things and then wait for him to ask questions instead of just rambling incessantly. He didn't need clarification, so I'm letting it ride, fully expecting the questions to trickle in after he has had time to process it.

I stuck with the basic points:
-mom and dad are getting a divorce
-that means we won't be married anymore, and we won't live in the same house
-we'll always be Mom and Dad even though we're not married...
-kind of like "Joe's" parents
-we love you so much
-we will always be here for you
-we will always love you and take care of you
-we will always keep you safe

___________________________________

Meanwhile..
A flurry of emails has been traveling around between various family members---on his side. Surprisingly, his mom hasn't contacted me yet. I thought she would have. I vascillate between being relieved and insulted. (I'm such a girl)

A sister-in-law sent us both an email explaining, from her point of view, the impact of divorce on children. She was 26 when her parents split, but is still reeling from it, apparently, at the age of 50. (That wasn't stated in a belittling way, honestly. I don't doubt her grief and sadness one bit. I just don't understand how her completely different situation has anything to do with ours--other than the fact that our children will be impacted by this. )

I wrote a response to her letter, but I'm not convinced I will send it. I don't wish to add fodder to the banter going back and forth, and I dislike the idea of having something in written form for people to dissect and debate. (yes, that's somewhat laughable considering this is a blog...on the web) On the other hand, perhaps having my thoughts would bring some clarity to their hurting hearts. I'm not sure.

The letter---and the phone calls that my STBX has told me about---hurt a bit. They explicitly say that we need to pray and think and seek counsel before making a decision of this magnitude. They are correct, of course, but they don't understand 1. the real issues here 2. the length of time we've been dealing with them , or 3. the amount of prayer, thought, and counsel that has already gone into this decision.

I know that I cannot read the email without feeling defensive, however, I also feel sad that some of what was stated in the letter---and said on the phone---without knowing facts, is basically, "get over it", "work it out", "we know best". It's the classic "Sweep and Smile"----sweep things under the rug and smile like nothing's wrong. I sort of wish I could get some points for the years I've done the Sweep and Smile. I am quite good at it, I'm just opting not to play anymore.

Another tough pill to swallow is the undeniable fact of how little his family has participated in our life, and yet, they are comfortable giving unsolicited advice. We, literally, haven't seen or spoken to his brother/sister-in-law since Christmas. At that time, there was no outward evidence of anything awry in our union, although we had been considering options for 4+ months. His parents have been over about 3 times since Christmas. I don't say this to imply that we have called and begged for them to visit, or that we resent their limited contact, but rather to show the actual relationship we share with them....distant at best.
__________________________________________________

Lynn, my counselor, is going to have a lot of "stuff" to help me sort through on Tuesday. And my guess is that one thing he is going to say to me is this: "You can't control their response."

And my job will be to listen to him.