August 4

The end to more than 12 years together will come a week from tomorrow around 1:00 p.m.

I'm taking bets on how many antacids I will consume between now and then.
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The kids and I will be moving to our rented townhouse on Saturday. I am working on paring down belongings. I am taking only things that I love.
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I am fairly certain that I will never understand the decision he and Hoochie have made. But I will have to accept it. Perhaps it's a little premature to be talking about what I've learned through this situation, but I AM seeing a silver lining. I have a dear friend who calls these lessons learned her "Bouquets from God". I'm stealing that idea.

I have wanted to simplify for years and years, but without being on the same page as my spouse---a spouse who is very materialistic---it has been virtually impossible. Being able to do that now makes getting rid of things much easier. It has been tremendously liberating to feel very unattached from my possessions as I pack many things up for charity.

When He first told his mom that we were getting a divorce, the first thing out of her mouth was to ask him if I had had an affair. I was terribly insulted that THAT would be her assumption. Seeing his decision play out in such a universally strange way makes me feel like God is giving me some amount of vindication for my decision to file for divorce. Clearly, having him marry a woman just over a month after meeting her and days after finalizing a divorce from me, puts his character in question. I'll have to work a little on not feeling smug. And I should probably not hold my breath waiting for a phone call from his mom.

All along I have prayed for confirmation and validation for petitioning for divorce from him. I have agonized over it time and again. As it comes to a close, and in light of the most recent events, I feel like God has flung open the door to my marriage and said, "Go". I feel complete freedom in my decision.
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And yet, it's still scary. I've never been in a situation like this where I have to go on faith that God is really who he says He is. I've cried in bed many a night recently because I just have to trust. It's all at once disconcerting AND also slightly refreshing---the choice has been taken from me for now. I have to trust. It's either that or go insane.

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Oh---and I watched "The Baby" for them yesterday. As weird, awkward, crazy as it was, I'm glad I did it. In some way it's a lesson for me in Grace. It feels like a small victory for me to be able to extend Grace (something you don't deserve but get anyway) to these two people---not so much for their benefit, but for me. I think that if I can extend Grace, I must not be THAT bitter. And, well, there's just something about a sweet baby.