Full speed ahead...

(STBX= soon-to-be-ex)
New life, here we come.

This week has been a whirlwind. Between finding out about my STBX's new love, having her spend time with my kids before meeting her, finally meeting her, talking-yelling-hanging up on and being hung up on by STBX, meeting with my atty, nearly having a nervous breakdown, apartment/house hunting, and finally feeling somewhat sane again, this has been CHAOTIC.

After our meeting with my atty last night---he came too---STBX was so upset that his girlfriend decided to drive over and comfort him. Nonsexually, of course, since they are saving that for marriage. He is seething over me wanting a statement in our paperwork about no pornography in his home while our children are present. I understand his frustration. I'd be embarrassed too, but with my atty's help I'm not backing down. I did agree to accept in lieu of that statement, something from his therapist (you know, the one he HASN'T been going to in 5 months) speaking to his level of health and safety in regards to porn and "such". I am on the edge of my seat waiting to read what the therapist says......hehehehehe

He's pissed that I'm not 100% on board about his girlfriend even though they both admit that this is "crazy to the outside world"....my atty confirmed that for him by telling him that the court would probably look at a 2.5 WEEK relationship involving 6 children and heading toward marriage, and wonder what the heck she's running from and what the heck he's been smoking recently. I am not paying her enough. (Wait......yes I am)

My all-time favorite statement from my atty to STBX after he told her that he was eager for this to be over with was to say this: "You do realize that you must be legally UNmarried from your wife before you may legally marry your hoochie?" (Ok, she didn't say hoochie, but it was totally in her tone.) It was an honest question in light of his recent lapse in judgment.
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Later after the appointment with the atty, he called me at home to make sure I knew that he really really wanted us to all hold hands, sing Kum Ba Yah, and tongue kiss on occasion. Psych..just seein' if you're following. He is so intent on me being "okay" with this Right. Now. I don't get it, I can't explain it to him in words small enough for him to understand, and I'm more convinced than ever that he has some sort of brain damage in the part of the brain that controls, well, EVERYTHING.

I stated AGAIN that, for the LOVE of all that is right with the world, I also want to have a decent relationship with anyone who is involved with my children regularly. It's really just about timing and some of her questionable choices. The only way to really feel comfortable around a person is to see them in various situations over time and develop a sort of generalized opinion on their character and integrity. Everyone screws up and has a bad day, has a lapse in judgment, says something without thinking....grace can cover that when the bigger picture of this person shows that they are "mostly" kind and generous, "usually" thoughtful and careful, "almost always" considerate and cautious. When I have 3 days in which to form an opinion, it's going to be heavily influenced by those glaringly bad choices----there's not enough good yet to temper the Questionable.

Before the conversation ended he said he had to ask me something and he seemed nervous. My mind was a racing...."Dear God, they're having a baby together (or would that be another baby??) and they want me to be the Godmother."

I blurted out to him , "NO! I won't be in your wedding." Thankfully he got the humor and laughed a little. But I was still dying to know what he had to ask me. Finally, he said, "Do you think you might consider watching "The Baby" once in awhile when Girlfriend moves here?" Silence ensued as my heart stopped beating for a few seconds and the electrical activity in my brain ceased. Oh no you didn't....you did NOT just ask me to watch YOUR girlfriend's baby...the girlfriend who is leading you back to God and praying for direction on when to marry you even though you're actually--oh yeah, minor detail---STILL MARRIED??

Oh yes, he did.

I responded in an unnaturally calm voice that shocked even me, "I am not going to write it off in the future after this whole "awkward new relationship" thing gets ironed out. I love babies, and let's face it, this baby had nothing to do with you and his mother's poor judgment. But let me just say that for now, it's a solid and unwavering NO. "
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When I dropped my kids off this a.m .at his place, she was there with her baby---the one I'll be nannying in a few months, I basically dropped them off and left---I was nice and said hello to her before leaving. After my appointment I met them at the park.

There they were sitting on a park bench together side-by-side, his arm around her shoulder in an oh-so-loving way. *gag* And right there in front of them was Baby in his car seat cooing at them with admiration in his wee little eyes. A precious scene for sure. I approached them with a little trepidation. I happen to think I'm a pretty nice person, but it takes everything in me to not be a total bitch to this woman.

I sat down on the ground next to their bench, closest to her. We did the awkward-small-talk thing for a bit. I let her try and get the conversation going, not offering much on my part to make it go smoother. She needs to work for this relationship with me--I'm not going to hand it to her freely. She's going to make out like a bandit: eventually living in my house, gardening in my garden, and benefitting from money that I invested in this place.

As the conversation went on I told her that I had contacted her pastor (after getting her permission via STBX the night before) and asked him to be a character reference for me to assure me that she is someone I can feel confident having my kids around. The exchange between her pastor and I follows:

From Me:
Pastor,
I am writing in hopes that you will be a character reference for Hoochie Mama (heh). I met her last weekend after my soon-to-be-ex husband told me that he met her July 4th and they are now talking about getting married---a mere 19 days later. My husband and I have 2 young children. I am solely concerned for their safety and well-being, and I'm finding hard to completely trust the word and judgment of my husband based our history together, and Hoochie, whom I've only just met.

I got their permission to contact you, so they are aware of this inquiry.

I have some question about her judgment in regard to her children based on a couple of things that she and my husband have shared with me. I'm most interested in hearing from an "outside" source with nothing to gain or lose by telling the truth, who can reassure me that she is a person with decent character. Obviously, the fact that she and my husband have chosen to date despite the fact that he is "technically/legally" married isnt' something that supports her as being a woman of impeccable character. That being said, I also know that there is a very real possibility that she will be co-parenting my children occasionally, and I'd like to know as much as possible about her as a mother and person. My children have already been around her---against my wishes--this past weekend. She and my husband decided to not honor my request to meet her before my children did. I have some concern that she may choose to disregard my opinion in other matters pertaining to my children. Any information you can provide is appreciated.

His reply:
As far as I am concerned.....Your husband is still married to you and Hoochie should leave that alone. I will discuss this with her asap. Thank you!
Pastor

I did email back to clarify that my intention was not to "break up" Hoochie and STBX, because I thought it was beyond that, and that they really don't seem to care what people think of things because God is in control and all, but I still wanted to know about her to assuage my fears about having my children around a total stranger. I'm waiting to hear back from him.
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As we were all there sitting in the park: my husband, his girlfriend, and me holding my husband's girlfriend's baby, an acquaintance from my job walked up with her kids. I said a quick hello and she came over and chatted for a few. After a minute she looked at me and said, "Now, is this YOUR baby? I didn't know you were expecting." I looked at my husband and his girlfriend and then looked back at this friend. I pointed to the girlfriend and said, "No, this is {turn and look at Hoochie with a confused look, many thoughts running through my mind on how this could play out} "HER" baby. That seemed to satisfy my acquaintance and she didnt' pursue it further. After she left I laughed ---maybe a tad maniacally---and said how utterly weird that was.

I got two blank looks in return.
God help me.