"So the king asked me, 'Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill?

This can be nothing but sadness of heart"

(Nehemiah 2:2)

Yesterday nearly killed me. Never have I felt so low, so out of control of my world, so helpless to do what's best for my kids. He is talking marriage with a person he met online. It's a different person than he was going to invite to go along with he and the kids on the 4th of July.

He's very vague about when he met her. I assume it's so he won't catch himself in a lie. He has held to the notion that he has been above board in all things, so when I do the math and it doesn't add up he changes the rules of the game again.

I spoke with her on the phone yesterday. To call it awkward would be grossly misleading. I told her my feelings why I didn't want my kids to be around her and her family this weekend (because I don't think they need to be any part of this "courtship") and tried to appeal to her own sense of motherly obligation.

In return I got The History of Not-Yet-Ex-Husband's-Girlfriend's-Christian-Involvement-in-the-Church. Apparently knowing she is "Christian" and "helps with VBS"...oh, and that she has 4 children, the youngest of whom is 2 months old, is supposed to elevate her to Above Reproach status in my mind.

It doesn't.

But he's talking about marriage with her and they are "praying about what to do next". I've got a few suggestions of my own.

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I am grieving for my kids. That they have to now vy for their father's attention with 4 other children and a girlfriend saddens me. This whole situation for them is brand new, raw, and I'm sure a little confusing. So, lets help that along by introducing a whole new family. Awesome.

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Something I keep reading about sexual addicts----and I consider my husband to be one----is that they tell half truths---

Lying and Sneaking Around - Adulterers and sexual addicts are masters at using "weasel words" for legalistic evasion of being caught in a lie--telling just a little bit of technical truth to create a completely false impression. Then if they are caught, they harp on the little bit of technical truth to accuse their mate of not remembering correctly or misunderstanding. They also keep at their disposal a ready supply of accusations to hurl at a mate who gets too close to uncovering their secrets, i.e. "You're just jealous." "You're overreacting." "Everyone will think you're crazy if they hear you say that." "You just don't trust me." Etc. Etc.

(the above was taken off of his girlfriend's myspace page. she gave me permission to look at her site to see picture of who she and her kids are. Because you can totally tell from pictures the character and motive of people, right??)

I don't know what these two "adults" think they're doing. If it weren't for my children I'd say have a nice trip to Insanity and close the door with a smile. But because two little people are in the mix, and they are going to be impacted by this ridiculous decision, I feel helpless, hopeless, and so sad that I cannot shield them from the insanity of not only this world, but from their own flesh and blood.