The end to more than 12 years together will come a week from tomorrow around 1:00 p.m.
I'm taking bets on how many antacids I will consume between now and then.
____________________________
The kids and I will be moving to our rented townhouse on Saturday. I am working on paring down belongings. I am taking only things that I love.
___________________________
I am fairly certain that I will never understand the decision he and Hoochie have made. But I will have to accept it. Perhaps it's a little premature to be talking about what I've learned through this situation, but I AM seeing a silver lining. I have a dear friend who calls these lessons learned her "Bouquets from God". I'm stealing that idea.
I have wanted to simplify for years and years, but without being on the same page as my spouse---a spouse who is very materialistic---it has been virtually impossible. Being able to do that now makes getting rid of things much easier. It has been tremendously liberating to feel very unattached from my possessions as I pack many things up for charity.
When He first told his mom that we were getting a divorce, the first thing out of her mouth was to ask him if I had had an affair. I was terribly insulted that THAT would be her assumption. Seeing his decision play out in such a universally strange way makes me feel like God is giving me some amount of vindication for my decision to file for divorce. Clearly, having him marry a woman just over a month after meeting her and days after finalizing a divorce from me, puts his character in question. I'll have to work a little on not feeling smug. And I should probably not hold my breath waiting for a phone call from his mom.
All along I have prayed for confirmation and validation for petitioning for divorce from him. I have agonized over it time and again. As it comes to a close, and in light of the most recent events, I feel like God has flung open the door to my marriage and said, "Go". I feel complete freedom in my decision.
___________________________________
And yet, it's still scary. I've never been in a situation like this where I have to go on faith that God is really who he says He is. I've cried in bed many a night recently because I just have to trust. It's all at once disconcerting AND also slightly refreshing---the choice has been taken from me for now. I have to trust. It's either that or go insane.
_________________________________
Oh---and I watched "The Baby" for them yesterday. As weird, awkward, crazy as it was, I'm glad I did it. In some way it's a lesson for me in Grace. It feels like a small victory for me to be able to extend Grace (something you don't deserve but get anyway) to these two people---not so much for their benefit, but for me. I think that if I can extend Grace, I must not be THAT bitter. And, well, there's just something about a sweet baby.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
another character reference
His girlfriend gave me the name of another friend of hers----a former teacher and principal---so I could call and get more info about what kind of person she really is.
I called a few minutes ago, and talked to "Jane". Jane sang Hoochie's praises as a person, mother, Christian. Jane said that she has had Hoochie watch her kids over the years and has no qualms about doing so.
After a few minutes she started inquiring about my husband. Except she didn't actually know he was still married to me. Oops---did I spill the beans? Apparently Hoochie told Jane that he IS divorced. I'm trying to figure out if Jane left out that info to her friend, or if husband conveniently forgot the fact in talking to Hoochie. Either way, someone's not being completely honest here.
She wanted to know things about him in order to protect her friend. Has he ever been abusive? Is Hoochie "safe" with him? I hesitated a minute before answering her. I finally figured out what I wanted to say. The gist of it was that as much as I understood where she was coming from, my whole point in contacting her was to make sure that I was doing everything I could to protect my kids from an unknown person my husband has decided to introduce my kids to. I told Jane that I was going to trust Hoochie to be a big girl and do her own homework. If she had these concerns about him, she could take steps to find out the answers herself. I was being waaaaay more than accommodating, and I didn't feel any moral obligation to make sure Hoochie is in a good, secure relationship.
To give a little credit, Jane handled it really well, even laughing while she said, "Yeah, I see where you're coming from---I forgot who I was talking to."
I still don't love the thought of someone with the judgment Hoochie appears to have, being around my kids, but I did feel a little more reassured that she may not be an axe murderer.
I called a few minutes ago, and talked to "Jane". Jane sang Hoochie's praises as a person, mother, Christian. Jane said that she has had Hoochie watch her kids over the years and has no qualms about doing so.
After a few minutes she started inquiring about my husband. Except she didn't actually know he was still married to me. Oops---did I spill the beans? Apparently Hoochie told Jane that he IS divorced. I'm trying to figure out if Jane left out that info to her friend, or if husband conveniently forgot the fact in talking to Hoochie. Either way, someone's not being completely honest here.
She wanted to know things about him in order to protect her friend. Has he ever been abusive? Is Hoochie "safe" with him? I hesitated a minute before answering her. I finally figured out what I wanted to say. The gist of it was that as much as I understood where she was coming from, my whole point in contacting her was to make sure that I was doing everything I could to protect my kids from an unknown person my husband has decided to introduce my kids to. I told Jane that I was going to trust Hoochie to be a big girl and do her own homework. If she had these concerns about him, she could take steps to find out the answers herself. I was being waaaaay more than accommodating, and I didn't feel any moral obligation to make sure Hoochie is in a good, secure relationship.
To give a little credit, Jane handled it really well, even laughing while she said, "Yeah, I see where you're coming from---I forgot who I was talking to."
I still don't love the thought of someone with the judgment Hoochie appears to have, being around my kids, but I did feel a little more reassured that she may not be an axe murderer.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Full speed ahead...
(STBX= soon-to-be-ex)
New life, here we come.
This week has been a whirlwind. Between finding out about my STBX's new love, having her spend time with my kids before meeting her, finally meeting her, talking-yelling-hanging up on and being hung up on by STBX, meeting with my atty, nearly having a nervous breakdown, apartment/house hunting, and finally feeling somewhat sane again, this has been CHAOTIC.
After our meeting with my atty last night---he came too---STBX was so upset that his girlfriend decided to drive over and comfort him. Nonsexually, of course, since they are saving that for marriage. He is seething over me wanting a statement in our paperwork about no pornography in his home while our children are present. I understand his frustration. I'd be embarrassed too, but with my atty's help I'm not backing down. I did agree to accept in lieu of that statement, something from his therapist (you know, the one he HASN'T been going to in 5 months) speaking to his level of health and safety in regards to porn and "such". I am on the edge of my seat waiting to read what the therapist says......hehehehehe
He's pissed that I'm not 100% on board about his girlfriend even though they both admit that this is "crazy to the outside world"....my atty confirmed that for him by telling him that the court would probably look at a 2.5 WEEK relationship involving 6 children and heading toward marriage, and wonder what the heck she's running from and what the heck he's been smoking recently. I am not paying her enough. (Wait......yes I am)
My all-time favorite statement from my atty to STBX after he told her that he was eager for this to be over with was to say this: "You do realize that you must be legally UNmarried from your wife before you may legally marry your hoochie?" (Ok, she didn't say hoochie, but it was totally in her tone.) It was an honest question in light of his recent lapse in judgment.
_______________________
Later after the appointment with the atty, he called me at home to make sure I knew that he really really wanted us to all hold hands, sing Kum Ba Yah, and tongue kiss on occasion. Psych..just seein' if you're following. He is so intent on me being "okay" with this Right. Now. I don't get it, I can't explain it to him in words small enough for him to understand, and I'm more convinced than ever that he has some sort of brain damage in the part of the brain that controls, well, EVERYTHING.
I stated AGAIN that, for the LOVE of all that is right with the world, I also want to have a decent relationship with anyone who is involved with my children regularly. It's really just about timing and some of her questionable choices. The only way to really feel comfortable around a person is to see them in various situations over time and develop a sort of generalized opinion on their character and integrity. Everyone screws up and has a bad day, has a lapse in judgment, says something without thinking....grace can cover that when the bigger picture of this person shows that they are "mostly" kind and generous, "usually" thoughtful and careful, "almost always" considerate and cautious. When I have 3 days in which to form an opinion, it's going to be heavily influenced by those glaringly bad choices----there's not enough good yet to temper the Questionable.
Before the conversation ended he said he had to ask me something and he seemed nervous. My mind was a racing...."Dear God, they're having a baby together (or would that be another baby??) and they want me to be the Godmother."
I blurted out to him , "NO! I won't be in your wedding." Thankfully he got the humor and laughed a little. But I was still dying to know what he had to ask me. Finally, he said, "Do you think you might consider watching "The Baby" once in awhile when Girlfriend moves here?" Silence ensued as my heart stopped beating for a few seconds and the electrical activity in my brain ceased. Oh no you didn't....you did NOT just ask me to watch YOUR girlfriend's baby...the girlfriend who is leading you back to God and praying for direction on when to marry you even though you're actually--oh yeah, minor detail---STILL MARRIED??
Oh yes, he did.
I responded in an unnaturally calm voice that shocked even me, "I am not going to write it off in the future after this whole "awkward new relationship" thing gets ironed out. I love babies, and let's face it, this baby had nothing to do with you and his mother's poor judgment. But let me just say that for now, it's a solid and unwavering NO. "
_________________________
When I dropped my kids off this a.m .at his place, she was there with her baby---the one I'll be nannying in a few months, I basically dropped them off and left---I was nice and said hello to her before leaving. After my appointment I met them at the park.
There they were sitting on a park bench together side-by-side, his arm around her shoulder in an oh-so-loving way. *gag* And right there in front of them was Baby in his car seat cooing at them with admiration in his wee little eyes. A precious scene for sure. I approached them with a little trepidation. I happen to think I'm a pretty nice person, but it takes everything in me to not be a total bitch to this woman.
I sat down on the ground next to their bench, closest to her. We did the awkward-small-talk thing for a bit. I let her try and get the conversation going, not offering much on my part to make it go smoother. She needs to work for this relationship with me--I'm not going to hand it to her freely. She's going to make out like a bandit: eventually living in my house, gardening in my garden, and benefitting from money that I invested in this place.
As the conversation went on I told her that I had contacted her pastor (after getting her permission via STBX the night before) and asked him to be a character reference for me to assure me that she is someone I can feel confident having my kids around. The exchange between her pastor and I follows:
From Me:
Pastor,
I am writing in hopes that you will be a character reference for Hoochie Mama (heh). I met her last weekend after my soon-to-be-ex husband told me that he met her July 4th and they are now talking about getting married---a mere 19 days later. My husband and I have 2 young children. I am solely concerned for their safety and well-being, and I'm finding hard to completely trust the word and judgment of my husband based our history together, and Hoochie, whom I've only just met.
I got their permission to contact you, so they are aware of this inquiry.
I have some question about her judgment in regard to her children based on a couple of things that she and my husband have shared with me. I'm most interested in hearing from an "outside" source with nothing to gain or lose by telling the truth, who can reassure me that she is a person with decent character. Obviously, the fact that she and my husband have chosen to date despite the fact that he is "technically/legally" married isnt' something that supports her as being a woman of impeccable character. That being said, I also know that there is a very real possibility that she will be co-parenting my children occasionally, and I'd like to know as much as possible about her as a mother and person. My children have already been around her---against my wishes--this past weekend. She and my husband decided to not honor my request to meet her before my children did. I have some concern that she may choose to disregard my opinion in other matters pertaining to my children. Any information you can provide is appreciated.
His reply:
As far as I am concerned.....Your husband is still married to you and Hoochie should leave that alone. I will discuss this with her asap. Thank you!
Pastor
I did email back to clarify that my intention was not to "break up" Hoochie and STBX, because I thought it was beyond that, and that they really don't seem to care what people think of things because God is in control and all, but I still wanted to know about her to assuage my fears about having my children around a total stranger. I'm waiting to hear back from him.
__________________________________
As we were all there sitting in the park: my husband, his girlfriend, and me holding my husband's girlfriend's baby, an acquaintance from my job walked up with her kids. I said a quick hello and she came over and chatted for a few. After a minute she looked at me and said, "Now, is this YOUR baby? I didn't know you were expecting." I looked at my husband and his girlfriend and then looked back at this friend. I pointed to the girlfriend and said, "No, this is {turn and look at Hoochie with a confused look, many thoughts running through my mind on how this could play out} "HER" baby. That seemed to satisfy my acquaintance and she didnt' pursue it further. After she left I laughed ---maybe a tad maniacally---and said how utterly weird that was.
I got two blank looks in return.
God help me.
New life, here we come.
This week has been a whirlwind. Between finding out about my STBX's new love, having her spend time with my kids before meeting her, finally meeting her, talking-yelling-hanging up on and being hung up on by STBX, meeting with my atty, nearly having a nervous breakdown, apartment/house hunting, and finally feeling somewhat sane again, this has been CHAOTIC.
After our meeting with my atty last night---he came too---STBX was so upset that his girlfriend decided to drive over and comfort him. Nonsexually, of course, since they are saving that for marriage. He is seething over me wanting a statement in our paperwork about no pornography in his home while our children are present. I understand his frustration. I'd be embarrassed too, but with my atty's help I'm not backing down. I did agree to accept in lieu of that statement, something from his therapist (you know, the one he HASN'T been going to in 5 months) speaking to his level of health and safety in regards to porn and "such". I am on the edge of my seat waiting to read what the therapist says......hehehehehe
He's pissed that I'm not 100% on board about his girlfriend even though they both admit that this is "crazy to the outside world"....my atty confirmed that for him by telling him that the court would probably look at a 2.5 WEEK relationship involving 6 children and heading toward marriage, and wonder what the heck she's running from and what the heck he's been smoking recently. I am not paying her enough. (Wait......yes I am)
My all-time favorite statement from my atty to STBX after he told her that he was eager for this to be over with was to say this: "You do realize that you must be legally UNmarried from your wife before you may legally marry your hoochie?" (Ok, she didn't say hoochie, but it was totally in her tone.) It was an honest question in light of his recent lapse in judgment.
_______________________
Later after the appointment with the atty, he called me at home to make sure I knew that he really really wanted us to all hold hands, sing Kum Ba Yah, and tongue kiss on occasion. Psych..just seein' if you're following. He is so intent on me being "okay" with this Right. Now. I don't get it, I can't explain it to him in words small enough for him to understand, and I'm more convinced than ever that he has some sort of brain damage in the part of the brain that controls, well, EVERYTHING.
I stated AGAIN that, for the LOVE of all that is right with the world, I also want to have a decent relationship with anyone who is involved with my children regularly. It's really just about timing and some of her questionable choices. The only way to really feel comfortable around a person is to see them in various situations over time and develop a sort of generalized opinion on their character and integrity. Everyone screws up and has a bad day, has a lapse in judgment, says something without thinking....grace can cover that when the bigger picture of this person shows that they are "mostly" kind and generous, "usually" thoughtful and careful, "almost always" considerate and cautious. When I have 3 days in which to form an opinion, it's going to be heavily influenced by those glaringly bad choices----there's not enough good yet to temper the Questionable.
Before the conversation ended he said he had to ask me something and he seemed nervous. My mind was a racing...."Dear God, they're having a baby together (or would that be another baby??) and they want me to be the Godmother."
I blurted out to him , "NO! I won't be in your wedding." Thankfully he got the humor and laughed a little. But I was still dying to know what he had to ask me. Finally, he said, "Do you think you might consider watching "The Baby" once in awhile when Girlfriend moves here?" Silence ensued as my heart stopped beating for a few seconds and the electrical activity in my brain ceased. Oh no you didn't....you did NOT just ask me to watch YOUR girlfriend's baby...the girlfriend who is leading you back to God and praying for direction on when to marry you even though you're actually--oh yeah, minor detail---STILL MARRIED??
Oh yes, he did.
I responded in an unnaturally calm voice that shocked even me, "I am not going to write it off in the future after this whole "awkward new relationship" thing gets ironed out. I love babies, and let's face it, this baby had nothing to do with you and his mother's poor judgment. But let me just say that for now, it's a solid and unwavering NO. "
_________________________
When I dropped my kids off this a.m .at his place, she was there with her baby---the one I'll be nannying in a few months, I basically dropped them off and left---I was nice and said hello to her before leaving. After my appointment I met them at the park.
There they were sitting on a park bench together side-by-side, his arm around her shoulder in an oh-so-loving way. *gag* And right there in front of them was Baby in his car seat cooing at them with admiration in his wee little eyes. A precious scene for sure. I approached them with a little trepidation. I happen to think I'm a pretty nice person, but it takes everything in me to not be a total bitch to this woman.
I sat down on the ground next to their bench, closest to her. We did the awkward-small-talk thing for a bit. I let her try and get the conversation going, not offering much on my part to make it go smoother. She needs to work for this relationship with me--I'm not going to hand it to her freely. She's going to make out like a bandit: eventually living in my house, gardening in my garden, and benefitting from money that I invested in this place.
As the conversation went on I told her that I had contacted her pastor (after getting her permission via STBX the night before) and asked him to be a character reference for me to assure me that she is someone I can feel confident having my kids around. The exchange between her pastor and I follows:
From Me:
Pastor,
I am writing in hopes that you will be a character reference for Hoochie Mama (heh). I met her last weekend after my soon-to-be-ex husband told me that he met her July 4th and they are now talking about getting married---a mere 19 days later. My husband and I have 2 young children. I am solely concerned for their safety and well-being, and I'm finding hard to completely trust the word and judgment of my husband based our history together, and Hoochie, whom I've only just met.
I got their permission to contact you, so they are aware of this inquiry.
I have some question about her judgment in regard to her children based on a couple of things that she and my husband have shared with me. I'm most interested in hearing from an "outside" source with nothing to gain or lose by telling the truth, who can reassure me that she is a person with decent character. Obviously, the fact that she and my husband have chosen to date despite the fact that he is "technically/legally" married isnt' something that supports her as being a woman of impeccable character. That being said, I also know that there is a very real possibility that she will be co-parenting my children occasionally, and I'd like to know as much as possible about her as a mother and person. My children have already been around her---against my wishes--this past weekend. She and my husband decided to not honor my request to meet her before my children did. I have some concern that she may choose to disregard my opinion in other matters pertaining to my children. Any information you can provide is appreciated.
His reply:
As far as I am concerned.....Your husband is still married to you and Hoochie should leave that alone. I will discuss this with her asap. Thank you!
Pastor
I did email back to clarify that my intention was not to "break up" Hoochie and STBX, because I thought it was beyond that, and that they really don't seem to care what people think of things because God is in control and all, but I still wanted to know about her to assuage my fears about having my children around a total stranger. I'm waiting to hear back from him.
__________________________________
As we were all there sitting in the park: my husband, his girlfriend, and me holding my husband's girlfriend's baby, an acquaintance from my job walked up with her kids. I said a quick hello and she came over and chatted for a few. After a minute she looked at me and said, "Now, is this YOUR baby? I didn't know you were expecting." I looked at my husband and his girlfriend and then looked back at this friend. I pointed to the girlfriend and said, "No, this is {turn and look at Hoochie with a confused look, many thoughts running through my mind on how this could play out} "HER" baby. That seemed to satisfy my acquaintance and she didnt' pursue it further. After she left I laughed ---maybe a tad maniacally---and said how utterly weird that was.
I got two blank looks in return.
God help me.
Friday, July 17, 2009
A note from my soon-to-be-ex
Hey,
I am not sure what is going on with you. I know that you want to protect your kids. I also want to protect my kids. I would not do anything to put them in harms way. I want you to know who I am getting involved with so you can feel secure in your kids being safe. If you aren't secure, then it makes it hard for both of us, because there will be that tension between us that our kids will feel. I don't want that for our kids. I thought we were working on this together. ~~~~And I thought you had more sense than to subject our children to a virtually unknown (actually, I guess that's actually how you do know her---"virtually") person and expect me to be okay with it. I don't care who you date, have sex with, whatever, BUT I DO care about the influences in my children's lives, and I think that knowing a person for 13 days, spending one weekend and an overnight with her does NOT qualify her to be a driving force in their development.~~~
I don't really think that it is fair of you to judge this person who you have never even met and jump to conclusions on who she is as a person, a christian, a mother, or as a partner for me.~~~ If by "judging" you mean, "questioning" then yes, I'm doing that. I do not stand in judgement of her--how can I do that...I don't KNOW anything about her. What I do "question" is her judgement. A woman with 4 children (one being 2 months old), out of a bad relationship, dating a man who is still married does not seem to be a person with stellar judgement and impulse control.~~~~ She is a good person, with moral values. ~~~~I've heard Ted Bundy described similarly.~~~~ She is not just a believer in, but a follower of Christ. She belongs to a great foursquare church. I am not trying to be secretive about this person. She has nothing to hide and neither do I. Like I have shared before, we have shared all of our past experiences and problems. ~~~~I know this isn't very "Christian", but can I just call a BULLSHIT here? In 13 days you shared everything with her? You've held nothing back?~~~Both of us have screwed up in the past, but the past is not what we are today. God is amazing and he can change who we are.~~~God IS amazing, and he absolutely CAN change people by whatever means he wishes. I guess I just never thought of EHarmony (or whatever reputable site you met her on) as a tool of the Almighty God. Live and learn, I suppose.~~~~ I don't like throwing out that "God" thing, like my mom does all the time, in fact I can't stand it. I am not doing it in a shallow, right thing to say today, way though.~~~~ Past history clouds my vision here, my dear. You have proven yourself time and again to be little more than a shallow, zero-depth person hiding behind semantics and self-righteousness. I do hope this is genuine..time will tell. ~~~~Tina has shown me that God really does exist and can do great things in our life.~~~~ I must interject here that Tina has shown you Tina's version of God--the way we all do. Only God can truly reveal His character, grace and mercy. You don't need to have Tina show you the way to Him. He has been here all along; you just didn't want to listen to Him. ~~~~I am very sorry that I did not figure these things out long ago with you. Things may be different if I had.~~~~ (Ummm..you think?)~~~~~ I feel the need to be closer to God and to pray. This is not what you have seen of me and I know it is hard to swallow or believe. I know. I want to be, not as I was, but, who I can be. Tina is a great encouragement in that. She respects me for who I am, even knowing where I have been and what I have done, but also encourages me to be more than that, growing in my relationship with Christ. She is not perfect by any means either.~~~~ No, seriously? Because I see no red flags whatsoever....~~~~She grew up in the church. It sounds like her Christian experience growing up was not so stale as mine. She was always more on fire for God than I for sure. Then she married and had the 3 kids. She lived in that marriage for 11 yrs., always faithful to her husband who was disrespectful, abusive, and disloyal to her. She finally made the decision to get out of that relationship, for her sanity and for the kids sake. She lost her connection with God, wondering why he would allow this to happen to her.~~~~(it's called "Free Will")~~~~ Anyhow, she ended up with her little one, Johnny, but did not want the father to be there with the negative influence he would have on the little one. She decided, after she found out that she was pregnant that she has to get back to her strong foundation and back to serving God. She has been able to grow greatly in her faith and as a person because of these experiences that she has been involved in. ~~~~(Maybe she should read up that part of the Bible that talks about avoiding appearances of evil, and oh..the stuff about you know, not being with other people's spouses....really, her credibility is being diminished by her actions)~~~She really is a great person, but has unfortunately has made some bad choices and has been stuck in some bad situations. ~~~~And she is continuing to walk straight into another "tough" situation. At some point in our lives, we have to take some personal responsibility for OUR own choices. This, my friend, would not be one of her smart ones. ~~~~That doesn't mean that the person she was for a short time is who she is today. She is a very loving mother with some great kids. She loves kids by the way. You can see it in her face when she is around them.~~~~ Right...both times you've been around her. It's in sharp contrast, I'm sure, to the way I hate kids. ~~~~I don't want this whole thing to be a source of contention between us. It will just be harder on us and our kids if we are in disagreement and not willing to work with each other.
The real reason I am telling you these things about Tina and her life is so you can get a better feel for who she is and feel a sense of peace when our kids are around her and her family. I really want you to meet her to hopefully get to know her a bit more, but that is up to you. I know it is awkward. I know it is too fast. I know that from the outside, it makes no sense whatsoever. The connection we have is just different. Our communication style is the same, ~~~~(sooooo, you don't talk much,eh?) ~~~~we have the same sense of humor,~~~~ (non existent?)~~~~ we have the same likes and dislikes,~~~~(Likes: spending money excessively, lying at every turn, blaming others for shortcomings, and masturbating to hard porn? Dislikes: accountability, people who demand integrity, honesty)~~~~ she is drawing me closure to God, etc. You are wrong about her. We are NOT having sex. ~~~~(TMI, dude, TMI...your life, your business)~~~~~We don't want to make the same mistake we both made in the past having sex before marriage. We just enjoy being with each other. I drove over there on Tuesday night to help her the next day. She had to take her daughters to a dentist appointment, which has been scheduled for several weeks, but could not do it as she had a deadline for work that she had to turn in some reports for. I wanted to help her out. ~~~~(I have to SERIOUSLY question the intelligence of a woman who would entrust her 10 and 11 year old girls to a man she JUST met ONLINE....do you people not read the news? Pedophiles abound, and there are so many stories of online relationships going awry in fatal ways.....this alarms me tremendously.~~~~~ I didn't go over there for the wrong reasons like you may think. I wish we had this connection that I am feeling right now. We were both part of it not being there. ~~~~~(yes, yes...I knew there had to be something about me in here.....you couldn't just own your own stuff without making sure I know that I have issues too. I do.~~~~~~ It really would have been easier if we did have some common though. This seems weird, but I really wish you could find someone that you have a connection with, that you could trust, support, care for, like I have.~~~~ (I hope for that too, but I realize that I am a wounded person. I know that I need to spend time ALONE with God and find my value, strength and peace in Him before I have anything to bring to a new relationship. You'll be the first to know when I find Mr. Right)~~~~~You are a very good person. ~~~~~I actually think I am a pretty good person.--especially after I think of what I've put up with and how much I tried to make this marriage work over the years. ~~~~~You have many exceptional qualities. ~~~~~Sadly, I feel beaten down by the way you've treated me for almost 13 years. I'm not sure anymore what these qualities are or were.~~~~ You deserve to be taken care of. I am sorry that I did not do take care of you like I should have and that I hurt you so much. Will you please forgive me? ~~~~~Why does this feel like some sort of assignment from your 12 step leader...er, ah..."girlfriend"?
I want us to be able to work with each other and hopefully some day respect each other and our decisions. Will you try to do that with me? ~~~~(I am not sure I will ever have a great deal of "respect" for you, dear one, but I will have to learn to accept your decisions regardless of my agreement with them)
I am not sure what is going on with you. I know that you want to protect your kids. I also want to protect my kids. I would not do anything to put them in harms way. I want you to know who I am getting involved with so you can feel secure in your kids being safe. If you aren't secure, then it makes it hard for both of us, because there will be that tension between us that our kids will feel. I don't want that for our kids. I thought we were working on this together. ~~~~And I thought you had more sense than to subject our children to a virtually unknown (actually, I guess that's actually how you do know her---"virtually") person and expect me to be okay with it. I don't care who you date, have sex with, whatever, BUT I DO care about the influences in my children's lives, and I think that knowing a person for 13 days, spending one weekend and an overnight with her does NOT qualify her to be a driving force in their development.~~~
I don't really think that it is fair of you to judge this person who you have never even met and jump to conclusions on who she is as a person, a christian, a mother, or as a partner for me.~~~ If by "judging" you mean, "questioning" then yes, I'm doing that. I do not stand in judgement of her--how can I do that...I don't KNOW anything about her. What I do "question" is her judgement. A woman with 4 children (one being 2 months old), out of a bad relationship, dating a man who is still married does not seem to be a person with stellar judgement and impulse control.~~~~ She is a good person, with moral values. ~~~~I've heard Ted Bundy described similarly.~~~~ She is not just a believer in, but a follower of Christ. She belongs to a great foursquare church. I am not trying to be secretive about this person. She has nothing to hide and neither do I. Like I have shared before, we have shared all of our past experiences and problems. ~~~~I know this isn't very "Christian", but can I just call a BULLSHIT here? In 13 days you shared everything with her? You've held nothing back?~~~Both of us have screwed up in the past, but the past is not what we are today. God is amazing and he can change who we are.~~~God IS amazing, and he absolutely CAN change people by whatever means he wishes. I guess I just never thought of EHarmony (or whatever reputable site you met her on) as a tool of the Almighty God. Live and learn, I suppose.~~~~ I don't like throwing out that "God" thing, like my mom does all the time, in fact I can't stand it. I am not doing it in a shallow, right thing to say today, way though.~~~~ Past history clouds my vision here, my dear. You have proven yourself time and again to be little more than a shallow, zero-depth person hiding behind semantics and self-righteousness. I do hope this is genuine..time will tell. ~~~~Tina has shown me that God really does exist and can do great things in our life.~~~~ I must interject here that Tina has shown you Tina's version of God--the way we all do. Only God can truly reveal His character, grace and mercy. You don't need to have Tina show you the way to Him. He has been here all along; you just didn't want to listen to Him. ~~~~I am very sorry that I did not figure these things out long ago with you. Things may be different if I had.~~~~ (Ummm..you think?)~~~~~ I feel the need to be closer to God and to pray. This is not what you have seen of me and I know it is hard to swallow or believe. I know. I want to be, not as I was, but, who I can be. Tina is a great encouragement in that. She respects me for who I am, even knowing where I have been and what I have done, but also encourages me to be more than that, growing in my relationship with Christ. She is not perfect by any means either.~~~~ No, seriously? Because I see no red flags whatsoever....~~~~She grew up in the church. It sounds like her Christian experience growing up was not so stale as mine. She was always more on fire for God than I for sure. Then she married and had the 3 kids. She lived in that marriage for 11 yrs., always faithful to her husband who was disrespectful, abusive, and disloyal to her. She finally made the decision to get out of that relationship, for her sanity and for the kids sake. She lost her connection with God, wondering why he would allow this to happen to her.~~~~(it's called "Free Will")~~~~ Anyhow, she ended up with her little one, Johnny, but did not want the father to be there with the negative influence he would have on the little one. She decided, after she found out that she was pregnant that she has to get back to her strong foundation and back to serving God. She has been able to grow greatly in her faith and as a person because of these experiences that she has been involved in. ~~~~(Maybe she should read up that part of the Bible that talks about avoiding appearances of evil, and oh..the stuff about you know, not being with other people's spouses....really, her credibility is being diminished by her actions)~~~She really is a great person, but has unfortunately has made some bad choices and has been stuck in some bad situations. ~~~~And she is continuing to walk straight into another "tough" situation. At some point in our lives, we have to take some personal responsibility for OUR own choices. This, my friend, would not be one of her smart ones. ~~~~That doesn't mean that the person she was for a short time is who she is today. She is a very loving mother with some great kids. She loves kids by the way. You can see it in her face when she is around them.~~~~ Right...both times you've been around her. It's in sharp contrast, I'm sure, to the way I hate kids. ~~~~I don't want this whole thing to be a source of contention between us. It will just be harder on us and our kids if we are in disagreement and not willing to work with each other.
The real reason I am telling you these things about Tina and her life is so you can get a better feel for who she is and feel a sense of peace when our kids are around her and her family. I really want you to meet her to hopefully get to know her a bit more, but that is up to you. I know it is awkward. I know it is too fast. I know that from the outside, it makes no sense whatsoever. The connection we have is just different. Our communication style is the same, ~~~~(sooooo, you don't talk much,eh?) ~~~~we have the same sense of humor,~~~~ (non existent?)~~~~ we have the same likes and dislikes,~~~~(Likes: spending money excessively, lying at every turn, blaming others for shortcomings, and masturbating to hard porn? Dislikes: accountability, people who demand integrity, honesty)~~~~ she is drawing me closure to God, etc. You are wrong about her. We are NOT having sex. ~~~~(TMI, dude, TMI...your life, your business)~~~~~We don't want to make the same mistake we both made in the past having sex before marriage. We just enjoy being with each other. I drove over there on Tuesday night to help her the next day. She had to take her daughters to a dentist appointment, which has been scheduled for several weeks, but could not do it as she had a deadline for work that she had to turn in some reports for. I wanted to help her out. ~~~~(I have to SERIOUSLY question the intelligence of a woman who would entrust her 10 and 11 year old girls to a man she JUST met ONLINE....do you people not read the news? Pedophiles abound, and there are so many stories of online relationships going awry in fatal ways.....this alarms me tremendously.~~~~~ I didn't go over there for the wrong reasons like you may think. I wish we had this connection that I am feeling right now. We were both part of it not being there. ~~~~~(yes, yes...I knew there had to be something about me in here.....you couldn't just own your own stuff without making sure I know that I have issues too. I do.~~~~~~ It really would have been easier if we did have some common though. This seems weird, but I really wish you could find someone that you have a connection with, that you could trust, support, care for, like I have.~~~~ (I hope for that too, but I realize that I am a wounded person. I know that I need to spend time ALONE with God and find my value, strength and peace in Him before I have anything to bring to a new relationship. You'll be the first to know when I find Mr. Right)~~~~~You are a very good person. ~~~~~I actually think I am a pretty good person.--especially after I think of what I've put up with and how much I tried to make this marriage work over the years. ~~~~~You have many exceptional qualities. ~~~~~Sadly, I feel beaten down by the way you've treated me for almost 13 years. I'm not sure anymore what these qualities are or were.~~~~ You deserve to be taken care of. I am sorry that I did not do take care of you like I should have and that I hurt you so much. Will you please forgive me? ~~~~~Why does this feel like some sort of assignment from your 12 step leader...er, ah..."girlfriend"?
I want us to be able to work with each other and hopefully some day respect each other and our decisions. Will you try to do that with me? ~~~~(I am not sure I will ever have a great deal of "respect" for you, dear one, but I will have to learn to accept your decisions regardless of my agreement with them)
"So the king asked me, 'Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill?
This can be nothing but sadness of heart"
(Nehemiah 2:2)
Yesterday nearly killed me. Never have I felt so low, so out of control of my world, so helpless to do what's best for my kids. He is talking marriage with a person he met online. It's a different person than he was going to invite to go along with he and the kids on the 4th of July.
He's very vague about when he met her. I assume it's so he won't catch himself in a lie. He has held to the notion that he has been above board in all things, so when I do the math and it doesn't add up he changes the rules of the game again.
I spoke with her on the phone yesterday. To call it awkward would be grossly misleading. I told her my feelings why I didn't want my kids to be around her and her family this weekend (because I don't think they need to be any part of this "courtship") and tried to appeal to her own sense of motherly obligation.
In return I got The History of Not-Yet-Ex-Husband's-Girlfriend's-Christian-Involvement-in-the-Church. Apparently knowing she is "Christian" and "helps with VBS"...oh, and that she has 4 children, the youngest of whom is 2 months old, is supposed to elevate her to Above Reproach status in my mind.
It doesn't.
But he's talking about marriage with her and they are "praying about what to do next". I've got a few suggestions of my own.
_____________________________
I am grieving for my kids. That they have to now vy for their father's attention with 4 other children and a girlfriend saddens me. This whole situation for them is brand new, raw, and I'm sure a little confusing. So, lets help that along by introducing a whole new family. Awesome.
_____________________________
Something I keep reading about sexual addicts----and I consider my husband to be one----is that they tell half truths---
Lying and Sneaking Around - Adulterers and sexual addicts are masters at using "weasel words" for legalistic evasion of being caught in a lie--telling just a little bit of technical truth to create a completely false impression. Then if they are caught, they harp on the little bit of technical truth to accuse their mate of not remembering correctly or misunderstanding. They also keep at their disposal a ready supply of accusations to hurl at a mate who gets too close to uncovering their secrets, i.e. "You're just jealous." "You're overreacting." "Everyone will think you're crazy if they hear you say that." "You just don't trust me." Etc. Etc.
(the above was taken off of his girlfriend's myspace page. she gave me permission to look at her site to see picture of who she and her kids are. Because you can totally tell from pictures the character and motive of people, right??)
I don't know what these two "adults" think they're doing. If it weren't for my children I'd say have a nice trip to Insanity and close the door with a smile. But because two little people are in the mix, and they are going to be impacted by this ridiculous decision, I feel helpless, hopeless, and so sad that I cannot shield them from the insanity of not only this world, but from their own flesh and blood.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
slap in the face
Last week when he invited me to watch fireworks with them (he and the kids) I quickly accepted, thinking what a nice gesture it was. A few days later I changed my mind, thinking that I really ought to let him start having his weekends with the kids, alone. I think I'm the one having the hard time.
I left town so as not to be tempted to butt in. Just as I arrived at my destination--5 hours away--, he texted me to say he recently ("about a week ago" was what he said, but that probably means 4-6 months ago) signed up for a "Christian" dating site and he met an "Older, well-grounded, Christian woman with grown children". He wanted to invite her to join the kids for fireworks since I "backed out" on him and he wanted to know my opinion even though he said "it really doesn't matter what you think anymore".
To say I was hurt and pissed would be the understatement of the flipping world. I think I probably had a mini stroke.
I called him immediately. He, of course, didn't answer his phone, but I left him a voicemail saying I thought it was extremely TACKY to invite a date along. I reminded him that we had talked about not exposing our kids to a revolving door of people---from either of us---and that we wouldn't introduce our kids to people unless it got to the point of being somewhat serious. BUT, if he chose to invite this unknown woman along anyways, I'd prefer that he not leave our children alone with her for any amount of time--not even 20 seconds to go grab a coke.
He texted me back immediately: "I'll do as you wish"......meaning what? You won't invite her or you won't leave our children unattended with her? I couldn't tell.
It ended up that he didn't bring her along. I don't know the details of why. I'm dying to know, but the truth is, it really isn't my business. And I can't stop him from doing anything...after July 21, I will have no say in anything he does.
I left town so as not to be tempted to butt in. Just as I arrived at my destination--5 hours away--, he texted me to say he recently ("about a week ago" was what he said, but that probably means 4-6 months ago) signed up for a "Christian" dating site and he met an "Older, well-grounded, Christian woman with grown children". He wanted to invite her to join the kids for fireworks since I "backed out" on him and he wanted to know my opinion even though he said "it really doesn't matter what you think anymore".
To say I was hurt and pissed would be the understatement of the flipping world. I think I probably had a mini stroke.
I called him immediately. He, of course, didn't answer his phone, but I left him a voicemail saying I thought it was extremely TACKY to invite a date along. I reminded him that we had talked about not exposing our kids to a revolving door of people---from either of us---and that we wouldn't introduce our kids to people unless it got to the point of being somewhat serious. BUT, if he chose to invite this unknown woman along anyways, I'd prefer that he not leave our children alone with her for any amount of time--not even 20 seconds to go grab a coke.
He texted me back immediately: "I'll do as you wish"......meaning what? You won't invite her or you won't leave our children unattended with her? I couldn't tell.
It ended up that he didn't bring her along. I don't know the details of why. I'm dying to know, but the truth is, it really isn't my business. And I can't stop him from doing anything...after July 21, I will have no say in anything he does.
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