judgement

Today I went to my weekly counseling appointment. I've been going since late October, and, quite frankly, it freaks me out a little to imagine a time when Lynn isn't a regularly scheduled appointment in my week. When the going gets tough I check my schedule to see how many days until I can go dump it on him and watch him sort through the junk that is now my Life.

Being a counsel-ee isn't something I ever thought I'd be. I'm not sure I ever verbalized that fact, but I realize now that I sort of had a "thing" about people who were in counseling--subconsciously, perhaps, but there nonetheless. Maybe a stray thought here or there about neediness or desperation when I'd hear someone talk about their counselor. Nothing big or overwhelming, just a quietly-judging-from-the-sidelines thought that tampered with my perspective.

Of course, being a divorcee is also something I never thought I'd be either. And I'm quite certain that I have held judgemental ideas about people who have walked down this road before me. I know I assumed they didn't try hard enough, didn't value marriage like *I* did, weren't willing to give it their all, didn't love their children enough....you get the picture. I thought I knew. Understood.

Standing in this place has tweaked my perspective a bit. A lot, to be more honest. Everyone's story is different. Some people really don't value marriage the way I do; some don't try hard enough; some do crazy things that put their children in harm's way. But you can't tell by looking. And you definitely can't tell by just knowing they are Divorced.

I wonder--not that it should matter all that much, but it matters a little---what people's perception of me will now be. I'm more aware of things in conversations that point to bias in others as well. A teacher describing a student who's having trouble in school...."Well, her mom's single and you know how that is"....I'm sure there was care and concern in there somewhere, but I also heard something else. She's not a responsible parent. She's the reason her kid is struggling. She doesn't care enough or do enough. I admit it; I'm overly sensitive right now, but still. I'm not imagining all of it. It's there.

And, perhaps, it should be. Maybe it's akin to the kids who find themselves pregnant at 16. No one wants to be too nice or too kind because it might convey acceptance of their inappropriate behavior. And even though, after the baby is born, we're happy for them, rooting for them to make it and show the world they've got what it takes, there's still the awkward sense that we shouldn't be treating them like it's no big deal.

I wonder how this will play itself out in my life. How will my friends react. I know this doesn't just affect me and my kids and my soon-to-be-ex. The ripples radiate out from all of us into our social groups, work places, schools.