Today was a hard day. We started out talking about who will be paying for what after the big D is final and we're living in separate residences. He doesn't want to pay for childcare---because "it's not fair" since he'll be paying for childcare during days that aren't even "his" days with the kids.
To be fair, I get it. I joke that I'm a Libra so I can see both sides of an issue. I really can. Even in this.
As the conversation went on, we both put in a plug for the challenges of our own plight as a future single parents. I, apparently, was complaining a bit much because he soon put me in my place with a "Well, this is basically your own doing anyways since you decided to see at attorney."
I took a few seconds to refill my lungs with air after that comment. My stomach felt like I'd been punched. This is how it's going to be from now on , isn't it? I think it is---and not just from him.
I have the impression that from here on out anytime I have a problem with childcare, a frustrating day, a need for some down time, or anything else that we humans have or need from time to time, THAT sort of response will be what I hear from him. And I'm guessing others will think it whether they verbalize it or not.
The worst part of that comment for me is that it exempts him from any part in this. Our divorce is only happening because *I* went to see an attorney. Not because we've had issues for years. Not because we sat in a counselor's office week after week for over 2 years together without him fully engaging in "our situation", but because *I* went to an attorney. THAT is apparently the REAL problem here.
And I think he really believes it. And I can't believe that I was such a sick and wounded person more than 12 years ago that I thought he could somehow complete me.
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As with anything else, it just takes time. Maybe he will enjoy the single life enough to forgive at some point.
ReplyDeleteIn my divorce it was "my fault" as well. Because since I was the one that thought there was a problem in the marriage, I was the one with the problem. He thought everything was fine. I am grateful every day that I left.